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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=Music4All]Why - to manipulate you to satisfy her interests. Your logic is flawed. Consider how many men call up their "girlfriend" in order to keep the door open to sex. Doesn't mean they care about them or want a future with them. It means hey have a use for them.

It is an important lesson in life to learn and accept that how people [b]behave[/b] is representative of what they really feel - not what they say. Her calling you is keeping you on the rope if she gets lonely some day. Not because she has some genuine and committed feelings. I know, it can be a hard lesson, but please don't go further down the path of lower self confidence by allowing her to be the keeper of your emotions.

Observe her behaviors. Consider if they represent the behaviors of a person that genuinely and sincerely is interested in someone.[/QUOTE]



Music is right on the money. She is using you for possible future use. I know you don't want the relationship to end and you keep trying to "grasp at straws" to convince yourself she is still in this.
I had a similar situation a few yrs back. The guy I had dated for 6 yrs did the same thing to me. Said he needed to be alone, but then would call me to "check up on me". All he was doing was keeping that door open in case nothing else panned out for him.
Don't make yourself available to her anymore.
I agree with Evy 100%--everyone is trying to help you see what's really going on here, but clearly you aren't ready to accept that reality quite yet. But all you're doing by keeping your hopes up and choosing to see only what you want is prolonging your misery. Right now this girl is completely controlling your life...you're only happy when she shows some interest in you, no matter how casual and no matter how much her actions contradict what she says. Words are cheap...people have been telling others what they want to hear in order to string them along and get what they want from that person, whether that be sex, money, somewhere to live, or an ex who is willing to take them back if they ever need a soft place to land. It's her actions and behavior the majority of time that tell the real story about what she wants from you, not what she says or the infrequent times she displays interest in you lately. Every single response noted that this girl is being very selfish and insensitive to your feelings--she's clearly moved on and doesn't want to be tied down or have any of the responsibilities of being in a committed relationship with you, but she still wants you to hold out hope that she'll come back in case she changes her mind and needs something from you again in the future. You've made it pretty clear through continuing to accept her rude, dismissive treatment that you will put up with anything to keep your hopes of reconciling with her alive. She has all the power in the relationship--it really sounds like you're miserable without her, like the only thing that can make you happy is when she gives you a glimmer of hope. But her calling and saying I love you does not mean what you want it to mean, just as the posters here told you the first time you posed that question. Now she's called again and your hopes are back up, but nothing has really changed from an objective observer's perspective. Please try to take a step back and look at how she's really acting, rather than only seeing what you want to see (that she still wants to be with you) because you can't stand the thought of losing her. Yes, it's going to be very painful to move on and live without her, but it's a lot better than having her string you along indefinitely and keep you in this state of unhappiness and uncertainty.

No one is trying to make you feel bad by telling you that she's using you and that she won't stop torturing you by keeping your hopes on until you refuse to accept anymore of that behavior. We're just trying to make sure you don't have to learn the same lessons what many people here have learned the hard way...the longer you hang on to hope that despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, she still cares and wants to be with you, the more painful and extended the healing period you'll eventually have to face will be. The posters here are sharing their wisdom and life experience in order to try to help you get through this painful ordeal as easily as possible. But until you're ready to face the reality of what this girl is doing, there's not much that anyone can say to get through to you. For your sake, though, I hope you are soon able to realize that there's not going to be any happy ending or reconciliation here...she's making it really obvious that she's moved on, except she doesn't have enough guts or consideration for your feelings to tell you that flat out and let you begin to move on. INstead, she's only concerned about her own wants and needs and is more than willing to let you dangle, hoping against hope that her occasional calls are a sign that she wants you back, just so she can keep you around as a backup in case she doesn't find another guy more to her liking. You deserve a lot better--people who are this selfish and unconcerned about other people's feelings don't change, and this situation is going to get more and more painful for you until you find the strength to put your foot down and tell her to leave you alone once and for all. Good luck...I know it seems impossible, but you will get over this once you start to move on with the support of your family and friends in real life along with your online friends here :).





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