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Re: Call from an Ex
Apr 10, 2005
Thanks Nini! Though my birthday is actually tomorrow :) I had a great time last night with my friends. He, my ex-boyfriend, called about the time I got to the restaurant just to wish me a happy b-day again.

Then he called again twice this morning. So, finally, I agreed to see him tonight. It's such a beautiful day outside and he said we should take a walk and get something to eat, so I said 'yes.' He's going to pick me up in a couple of hours.

At first I kinda felt good about it, but now I feel horrible :( Problem is, the female friend I have thinks I am being a complete idiot to even talk to this guy. She said he's done this to me already after we broke up (i.e. broke up and then appeared, but then disappeared again because he still wasn't ready), and he's going to do exactly the same thing again this time. She said I am being pathetic and that "all my friends think I'm a loser girl who's NEVER going to get married." I said "that's not true, I'm sure not everyone thinks that about me," and she told me "yes, they are being polite, but in fact everyone thinks you'll never ever get married because you keep going out with loser guys." :( :( I had NO idea everybody had such low opinion of me.

So basically, now I feel down and kind of depressed. Maybe she's right. Maybe this guy only is back cause he wants to get laid or something. She said the ONLY way she would ever go out with him again is if he was showing up with an engagement ring. Otherwise, I am a stupid idiot and am only going to get hurt but it will be my own damn fault because I LET these guys hurt me. But, for god's sake, I cannot ask the guy over the phone what his intentions are and if he's bringing a damn ring anytime soon, right??! Am I the only person who thinks that would be kind of insane?? Am I that far detached from reality?? Of course I don't want another disappointment, but I haven't gone out with my ex in over a year--I spoke to him occasionally on the phone though. Do you think I should just cancel for tonight? I am so confused about everything. :confused:
Re: Call from an Ex
Apr 10, 2005
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Thanks Nini! Though my birthday is actually tomorrow :) I had a great time last night with my friends. He, my ex-boyfriend, called about the time I got to the restaurant just to wish me a happy b-day again.

Then he called again twice this morning. So, finally, I agreed to see him tonight. It's such a beautiful day outside and he said we should take a walk and get something to eat, so I said 'yes.' He's going to pick me up in a couple of hours.

At first I kinda felt good about it, but now I feel horrible :( Thing is, the female friend I have things I am being an idiot to even talk to this guy. She said he's done this to me already after we broke up (i.e. broke up and then appeared, but then disappeared again because he still wasn't ready), and he's going to do exactly the same thing again this time. She said I am being pathetic and that "all my friends think I'm a loser girl who's NEVER going to get married." [/QUOTE]

Sophia ~ is this the "toxic" friend we all heard about??? Please tell Goody that you are not listening to her :eek:

While I too have my concerns about his motives here, I think that it won't necessarily be the end of the world if you were to see him tonite for a while. Just be cool about the whole thing and don't expect much of it...perhaps it will be just the thing you need in order to have the closure that you seem to need...after all, he still does cause a reaction in you. So, just take it easy and see what happens...& you better come back here later & tell us all about it ;) ....Goody
Re: Call from an Ex
Apr 10, 2005
Yes, Goody, that's the same "toxic" friend and her poison is working again. She was Sooo sweet at my b-day party last night, but today it's back to her old self. Never fails to give me her gloomy predictions. Like the one that I'm probably still going to be sitting at the table single at my 40th b-day, surrounded with all my happilly married friends. IF I continue to date guys like my ex and the ex before him, that is. I don't want to listen to her, but the really annoying part is that she has ALWAYS been right, so far. She told me about each boyfriend that it won't go anywhere, and it didn't. I almost hate her for always being right. I want her to be WRONG, for ONCE! I want to wipe that self righteous expression off of her face. I wish I could prove her wrong finally and I wish this guy would tell me he's crazy about me, can't live without me and wants to be with me forever. But, as my "friend" managed to point out, if he were that crazy about me, he would have found a way to make it to my b-day party last night. So perhaps a part of me feels that, unfortunately, she's right AGAIN. As much as I absolutely hate it.

Yeah, I guess I will just go for a walk and dinner with my ex tonight and try to keep it casual. I don't think I'm ready to ask him any monumental questions or have an outrageously serious conversation. I think I'm going to try and behave more like his friend. Is that a good approach--what do you guys think?

Oh, and what if he tries to kiss me at the end of the evening? What would be the correct thing to do?
Re: Call from an Ex
Apr 12, 2005
Hi Sophia,
Your thread really sparked my interest and I could not resist posting. I dated my high school and college sweetheart for about 6 years. We went to college in different states so we had a long distance relationship for many years. We both dated other people while we were in college. He broke up with me after I left for college because he thought we should see other people. (At least he was honest and did not do it behind my back.) My heart was broken, but I was not going to stand around waiting for him and dated other people. Within a few months of the breakup, he came running back to me and told me he had made a mistake and there was no one that compared to me so we continued to date long distance.
We were each other's first love. While we were in college, I broke up with him several times because I felt that he was putting other things before me, but now when I look back I wonder if it was just due to his age and immaturity. I was always mature for my age and wanted a serious relationship.) Although I knew he really loved me, he was still in college and liked hanging out with the guys etc. After graduating from college, I moved to Manhattan and we continued to date long distance. He would fly in to see me during school holiday's.
Our final break up was December of 1981 when I thought he was once again not putting me first. That was our final breakup. Several years later, I received a call from one of his fraternity brothers, totally out of the blue. (In our previous breakups, he often had one of his friends call me first, to "test the waters" and see if I would be receptive to talking to him.) I was at this point, living in a totally different town with a new phone number so he had to do quite a bit of investigation to find me. My heart started racing and I got so nervous about the possibility of getting back together with him and getting hurt again that I rushed him off the phone. I told his friend that I was very happy and dating someone.

The point of all of this is that I have NEVER stopped wondering "WHAT IF." I have been married for almost 19 years to somone else, but have had alot of hurt and hardship in my marriage. I often think about my first love and wonder if it was just immaturity and if I had given him time to mature, maybe things would have worked out. (His dad used to refer to me as his future daughter-in-law) I got along great with his family and think of them occasionally as well. I think we have both been keeping track of each other through a class web site. (After I posted some information on the web site, he did too. Neither one of us has contacted the other, but I just have this really strong feeling that we both have thought about it.)

I don't know if things will work out with your ex-boyfriend, but I really think you whould give it a chance if you really loved him. Otherwise, you may always wonder "what if " I think this is the only way you will ever know for sure. Just be very careful. Only time will tell if he is ready for a serious committed relationship. Do not sleep with him, or you will get caught up only in your feelings for him and it will make it impossible to realistically evaluate the relationship.

Good Luck Sophia. I wish you the best. :angel:
Re: Call from an Ex
Apr 16, 2005
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Mmmmmm....I know how tempting that can be, Sophia, but I'm not really sure that's the best course of action. It's too easy to settle into that comfort zone, and before you even realize it, the sweatpants are glued to the butt that no longer fits into your hot jeans, and then you wind up like ME!! :eek: :eek: Not good!

If you really really dont' want to focus on dating, spend Saturday nights with girlfriends or family. Try to go out and do something fun! I wish I had 33 back again! I'd do a lot of things differently. I'm not sure if there was anything I could have done to have kept from losing my best friend, but I would have tried harder to pull myself out of my funk and join the living and get out there and live. I know you know we're all pulling for you here, Sophia. I totally understand the need to just cocoon under the blankets with popcorn, hot cocoa and a good video, but the longer you stay off the saddle, the harder it is to get back in it.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but there's no better alternative. My girlfriends are either married or have boyfriends and I am hardly ever invited when they go out as ALL COUPLES. Not sure I would want to either. All couples and just me, pathetic Sophia who can't find a decent man. Also, as ridiculous as it sounds, I think my female friends are somewhat protective about their men because I am the only single woman in the group. Of course, the thought of getting anywhere near their guys would NEVER EVER cross my mind, but from the comments they made about other women in the past, I know they are afraid of any decent looking unattached women being in the remote vicinity of their husbands/boyfriends. One of my friends even had her husband fire his new secretary, only becasue she's cute and young. There you go. I am at an age where I've lost most of my friends to marriage or coupledom and they would rather spend time with their SO or other couples. Oh yeah, and my mother works on the weekends so there's no "family" either. My sister and her husband have their own lives.

Thankfully, I hate popcorn and cocoa, though I am addicted to tea, so my weekend video sessions are not going to result in any unwanted bulges. I am actually going out tonight to a friend's birthday but I am not really excited about it. I don't really feel like it, to be honest. My ex was calling every day so far but he didn't call yesterday or today. He must be too busy with his son. I shouldn't have gone out with him at all. It only reminded me that I used to have a boyfriend who used to call me every day.
Re: Call from an Ex
Apr 16, 2005
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Yeah, but there's no better alternative. My girlfriends are either married or have boyfriends and I am hardly ever invited when they go out as ALL COUPLES. Not sure I would want to either. All couples and just me, pathetic Sophia who can't find a decent man. Also, as ridiculous as it sounds, I think my female friends are somewhat protective about their men because I am the only single woman in the group. Of course, the thought of getting anywhere near their guys would NEVER EVER cross my mind, but from the comments they made about other women in the past, I know they are afraid of any decent looking unattached women being in the remote vicinity of their husbands/boyfriends. One of my friends even had her husband fire his new secretary, only becasue she's cute and young. There you go. I am at an age where I've lost most of my friends to marriage or coupledom and they would rather spend time with their SO or other couples. Oh yeah, and my mother works on the weekends so there's no "family" either. My sister and her husband have their own lives.

Thankfully, I hate popcorn and cocoa, though I am addicted to tea, so my weekend video sessions are not going to result in any unwanted bulges. I am actually going out tonight to a friend's birthday but I am not really excited about it. I don't really feel like it, to be honest. My ex was calling every day so far but he didn't call yesterday or today. He must be too busy with his son. I shouldn't have gone out with him at all. It only reminded me that I used to have a boyfriend who used to call me every day.[/QUOTE]

Oh Sophia (((HUGS))). Even though I have faith and every confidence that you will sail through this just fine very soon, I know it stinks right now. But I'm glad that you're smarter and stronger than I am and don't indulge in the Ben & Jerry's and keep Pizza Hut in business!!

I don't know why so many women find it hard to be truly supportive to other women. I'm sorry some of your friends choose to see you as a threat to their relationship rather than just a nice young lady. Don't any of your friends' husbands or boyfriends have any single male friends/co-workers/work-out buddies you might find interesting?

Even though you don't feel like it, try to have a good time at the party tonight. Hey, it's a night out of the house, right? I know. I had the chance to go out and see country band Emerson Drive with some work people but I chose to stay in and watch tv instead. But I guess that's why I'm nagging you to get out there. I just want you to be happy. You deserve it, sweetie!
Re: Call from an Ex
Apr 24, 2005
[QUOTE=BLUE EYED LADY]Hi Sophia,
I just wanted to let you know that not only are you intelligent, articulate, kind and compassionate, I think you have a great sense of humor. I was reading through one of the other long posts (the one from the woman that only sees her boyfriend 3 hours a week, is cheap, works every day, etc, etc and she was wondering if she should marry him, and your replies are so funny at times that I laughed out loud at work. You deserve someone wonderful. Who ever gets you is going to be SO LUCKY!!!!!
I think you have so much to offer that it just makes it a little more difficult to find someone that is a good match. Don't give up.
The other thing I wanted to tell you is that don't necessarily discount someone because they talk alot.( Unless of course they sound like an idiot!!) My husband talks far more than I do, but he has one of the most kindest hearts. He is also very romantic. Sure, sometimes he drives me a little nutty with all his banter, but he loves me to pieces and thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread!! I'm just saying, give someone a chance if you are attracted to them. I think that a guy that does not talk very much, may not be able to give of themselves emotionally.
When I fell in love both times in my life, I thought about breaking up with them after a few weeks. Within a few more months, I was deeply in love with both of them. Of course, if there are traits that you don't like, that is one thing. Sometimes it takes awhile for both people to open up to each other and be themselves. I do think there has to be an initial physical attraction. If you are not physically attracted to them, from my experience that does not change. There has to be that spark!!
Hey, speaking of spark, it sounds like you may be going out with the European guy after all. Make sure you bring a box of tissues!! Is he over his cold?
Good Luck!!! :)[/QUOTE]

Thank you for having faith in me BlueEyes! Well, things have turned completely upside down since yesterday. I went out with the European and some of his friends to a party, at which he pretty much ignored me and flirted with other girls. Bottom line is, I found out (in secret) from the European guy's friend that he has a serious girlfriend in Europe and will be moving back there permanently in just a few months. So that's that with him. Not only is he a player but a cheater too (insert triple puke sound here). On the other hand, his friend, whom I had met before, seems to like me very much and wants to go out with me next week. He's not as handsome as the first guy, but seems a lot nicer and genuine, and he was the one keeping me company for most of the party. So that's the new development. We'll see what happens.





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