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Being ignored...
Apr 19, 2005
I hate to say this because i'm going to sound shallow but I used to get "checked out" quite a lot and i used to get moderate amounts of phone numbers. Now, for some reason, it's stopped and i'm being completely and utterly ignored by the male species. I look the same (heck, even 30 lbs lighter) so I don't know what the problem is. Maybe i'm being paranoid or looking too self conscious and desperate so its turning them off? The only reason i have no self esteem is because guys pay me no attention in the first place. They won't even give me a second glance. I consider myself a pretty attractive person but apparently not. I hate to base my self-worth on what others think but it's hard not to.
I don't think you sound shallow at ALL! I get really worried about that also. Of course I am 31 weeks pregnant, so pretty much noone is checking me out, lol.
Probably what your problem is is that you aren't confident anymore. I used to say, Cindy Crawford isnt' really pretty, she just thinks she is. And honestly, i think that the way you feel about your appearnce, and what you put out there garners alot more attention than the actual appearance.
[QUOTE=jessica129]The only reason i have no self esteem is because guys pay me no attention in the first place.[/QUOTE]
I actually will have to disagree with this.

It's all in the word itself - SELF esteem, meaning it comes from the self.

Of course it's hard not to care about what others think, I do too, but that isn't going to change your self esteem.


Maybe you are just paying more attention to whether or not you are being checked on. Maybe you've had a drop in your self esteem level recently and are simply more aware of the number of guys either checking or not checking you out?
What makes you so sure that you are getting "checked out" less? In my experience, guys aren't always obvious about it, especially as they get older. Maybe you are just getting checked out now by a better class of guy :D To be sure, I would ask, what kind of places were you at when you feel guys paid more attention to you? Are you still in the same places and for as much time, and at the same times and days, as before and are there still just as many guys there now? In other words, have you considered you might you be getting less "exposure" time, if that makes sense?

If after thought, you still feel like there definitely is this change, there could be different possibilities to consider. In my experience it can be pretty hard to say why people pay or don't pay attention to each other. I have noticed when I'm depressed people seem to avoid me, whereas when I am optimistic and outgoing, people are much more eager to have contact. Are you going through a tough time and/or has your mood changed recently? Has your appearance changed in any noticeable way? How old are you? What's the 30-pound weight loss about? Were you more curvy when you felt they checked you out more, or are you underweight now? Just some things to think about...

Last possibility, has your jealous boyfriend threatened to beat the *** out of any guy in town who looks at you :eek: (joke)
Jessica, I know exactly what youíre talking about, because Iím getting totally ignored too. (Well, OK, letís say 99.9 %. But the only guy whoís been looking at me lately wonít even talk to me anyway. :rolleyes: )

And I do get Lisaís point about self-esteem and not needing validation from outside. You can tell yourself youíre beautiful all day long and it probably is the truth Ė but, if youíre a straight woman and men [I]never[/I] acknowledge you, itís hard to believe it after a while.

Itís gotten to the point where I donít even [I]know[/I] whether Iím ugly or beautiful anymore. I look in the mirror and think I look pretty decent; not perfect, but good. And yet men never approach me. So then I start thinking that what I see in the mirror is an illusion and that I must actually be a hideous swamp creature! :eek:

But then I hear that, if youíre "too" beautiful, men will leave you alone also because youíre "intimidating". They assume they donít have a chance in hell, so they donít even bother trying. So Iím completely confused. I hate saying this, but I see women who look a lot worse than I do, and theyíre all married and having kids. For the record, I also see women who look a lot [I]better[/I], and I think ďThis is why I canít get a man: because I donít look like thatĒ. Itís enough to drive you mad. Iím not asking for all men to fall at my feet; I would just like one to tell me Iím pretty. Is that too much to ask? :confused:

P.S. Excellent points to consider, however, Seekalot - very wise! :)
I really think it has a lot to do with how you feel on the INSIDE. I know one time about 10 years or so ago, I started doing affirmations where you write down ten or twenty times every day something good about yourself. Anyway, I started doing the affirmations every day in the morning and all of a sudden, BOOM!

I was walking down the street downtown, and a complete stranger, said, "You're pretty!"

Have a great day and say positive things to yourself. ;)
Thanks everyone. I'm definetly not underweight so I don't think that's the problem. When I was getting attention, i was a lot more happier with myself and I didn't even worry about getting approached. Now it's like it's always on my mind so that must come off as being self conscious. I've also been going through a lot and haven't been exactly [I]happy[/I] so maybe that's why. I just figured they'd still at least look at a cute girl even if she didn't look approachable. I guess it's true though because if an attractive guy looks like a jerk who wants nothing to do with people, I purpously ignore him. ha.
[QUOTE=jessica129]Thanks everyone. I'm definetly not underweight so I don't think that's the problem. When I was getting attention, i was a lot more happier with myself and I didn't even worry about getting approached. Now it's like it's always on my mind so that must come off as being self conscious. I've also been going through a lot and haven't been exactly [I]happy[/I] so maybe that's why. I just figured they'd still at least look at a cute girl even if she didn't look approachable. I guess it's true though because if an attractive guy looks like a jerk who wants nothing to do with people, I purpously ignore him. ha.[/QUOTE]

You said you lost 30 pounds? Without being too graphic, I know when I get heavier, my bustline gets larger and when I lose weight, my bustline gets smaller as well. Could it be you went down a cup size or two, and that's why men don't seem to gawk like they used to?

I don't really buy the "it's all in how you feel on the inside" thing. I remember when my ex first broke up with me, I was so sad and broken hearted I didn't really even want to talk to anyone, yet I still got hit on a lot when I went out. I started feeling better, not sad anymore, but I had put on weight, and then I didn't get hit on anymore. Men didn't seem to care how sad I was as long as I was slim. And they didn't seem to care how good I felt on the inside when I packed on the poundage. It's more than attitude.
greeneyes, you are so right on the money. it is all how you feel on the inside. i know that when i am walking down the street and thinking about something that makes me happy, way more guys will glance in my direction. i think it's extremely fortunate that in life, how you feel about yourself inside is ultimately what matters, because at least that's changeable, as opposed to some exterior characteristics!

maybe jessica has had a mental shift that she's unaware of? or maybe something was in her that always existed and is just manifesting now?
Try not to base your perception of yourself on how others view you. Easier said than done, but any old girl can get a couple of numbers, and any girl can get hit on. It actually makes me uncomfortable. Now that may have to do with the fact that I am a married mother of 2, or the fact that I dont like to be bothered. I must still attract losers because they still hit on me, and they are just rude! :rolleyes:
[QUOTE=hillaryb]Try not to base your perception of yourself on how others view you. Easier said than done, but any old girl can get a couple of numbers, and any girl can get hit on. It actually makes me uncomfortable. Now that may have to do with the fact that I am a married mother of 2, or the fact that I dont like to be bothered. I must still attract losers because they still hit on me, and they are just rude! :rolleyes:[/QUOTE]

This is where it confuses me. If you don't want to be hit on, why do you put out an attitude that attracts guys to make them come hit on you? I don't think you do. That's why I say, there's got to be more to it than just the attitude you put out.
maybe the attitude isn't 'i want to be hit on', it's 'i feel good about myself'. and that's what attracts guys, whether we want them around or not.
Actually, one time I was sitting at lunch by myself and thinking about, to put it mildly, very sensual thoughts. I was fantasizing about them, and I saw tons of men STARING at me!!! It's just happened too many times--that's why I really think the way you feel on the inside shows on the outside.

Yes, more men will be attracted to thin women who are in shape, as opposed to heavier gals. But if one heavier gal feels better about herself than another heavier gal, the one who feels better about herself and thinks she is HOT, will get more looks.
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Actually, one time I was sitting at lunch by myself and thinking about, to put it mildly, very sensual thoughts. I was fantasizing about them, and I saw tons of men STARING at me!!! It's just happened too many times--that's why I really think the way you feel on the inside shows on the outside.

[/QUOTE]

LOL!! My goodness! I wish that would happen to me! I think "sensual thoughts" all the time, but never got attention from it! :wave:
*sigh*
I know exactly how you feel...all the attention from the male species stopped the day I turned 35...

I look at pictures and I think that I look okay...in fact in some ways I think I look better now than I did then...other than being heavier I think my hair and my complexion is better now.

I think we give off "vibes"....like "i'm available" or "flirt with me" type vibes and I think that at some point in our lives we stop giving them off depending on our life situations and attitudes.
[QUOTE=tenagain]I look at pictures and I think that I look okay...in fact in some ways I think I look better now than I did then...other than being heavier I think my hair and my complexion is better now.[/QUOTE]

I feel the same way. I'm much happier about myself than I was a decade ago, and yet I'm still left alone. And it's not even about age - I've [I]always[/I] been ignored by men, even when I was 20. I got "Great legs!" from some creep on the subway when I was 17 and "Nice butt!" from some jerk in the park when I was 18 or 19, but that's it! Not that I [I]want[/I] to be hit on by skeeves - but maybe that's the problem? To avoid the creeps, I avoid ALL men? :confused:

Sorry, Jessica, BTW - I don't mean to take over your thread! I just think this is a very interesting discussion. :cool:
[QUOTE=CrimsonClover]
But then I hear that, if youíre "too" beautiful, men will leave you alone also because youíre "intimidating". They assume they donít have a chance in hell, so they donít even bother trying. So Iím completely confused. I hate saying this, but I see women who look a lot worse than I do, and theyíre all married and having kids.
[/QUOTE]

You know what they say, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife!" :D So maybe there is somethign to your theory!
I have actually heard that alot too in my life. And I know this sounds really really vain, but before I got fat, lol, alot of my guy friends would tell me that the reason I didnt' get asked out more, was because the guys always thought they didnt' have a chance with a girl like me. Of course, that may have also been because of my ego!
I really, honestly, do think it all comes from how you feel about yourself. And I know that self-esteem, in theory, should not be based on what others think about you. But in reality, it's hard to base it on something else. Beccause, how would you know if you were pretty if noone ever told you? Or if you were funny, or interesting or whatever.
I personally enjoy being hit on, I think it is funny. I am married now, and of course wouldnt consider it, but I do still like to flirt! And it makes me feel good about myself when a guy makes some comment about me. And even if it is a scuzzy guy with some kind of gross comment, it still makes me laugh!
Try smiling more. Say hello to other men. Strike up a conversation when your around others.
So you think you look good.The world"s full of beautiful woman. Why should a guy look at you over some other good-looking woman? Give them a reason too.
No woman escapes me.Not that I'm perverted or anything its that I love woman and find beauty in all of you, now that I am a little older and not so young and stupid.Pretty faces nice hair pleasent smiles rounding rumps all good to me.
Heres one that absolutely STUNNED me: I was at the grocery, walking across the parking lot with a 5 year old holding my hand and a baby in my arms and some guy was like "woa, you are HOT!!!". That was so bizarre.

Anyway, I am probably tons more confident than I was when I was a teenager. I never really got hit on until I was about 22 (after i had my first child, no less), so go figure. I remember my mom getting hit on alot even when she was out with my brother and I. I dont know. Maybe it has to do with being happy, though alot of posts on this thread contradict that. All I know is motherhood made me really happy, and I have noticed that when I am out and in a good mood, it happens alot more. The other day at the grocery (this must be the place to meet men!) an older man said to me "everyone is in a bad mood today, but you are smiling. nice to see a pretty girl smiling".

He must have been about 75-80, what a sweetie! :D
That's awesome HillaryB :) and it very true.

If your smiling, walking with confidence, singing and dancing to your own tune
(without looking like a loony person of course) it's amazing how it attracts men and woman... :)

I still get checked out and I love it - it keeps me Young & Happy ;)
I don't lack attention from my boyfriend nor does it have anything to do with him or any insecurities I have in myself. It's human nature to want some positive feedback from the general public or men that we are Alive and looking good. :cool:
I just have to share what happened to me last night at the grocery store!!!

I was in a really good mood and had on this beautiful magenta business suit. The Color was to die for. Anway, this complete stranger (a younger man) came up and said: "I know you hear this all the time, but you are really good looking."

I said: "Thank you so much. You really made my day."

Then I was taking my groceries out to the car, and another older, but attractive man said: "You look beautiful in that suit!"

I was AMAZED. I have worn the same suit before and never gotten those types of comliments before. I truly believe it was partly because I felt so good about myself. :)
You guys are making me feel even worse because it's been soooo long since i got any sort of compliment whatsoever, haha.

I've been told numerous times that i'm unapproachable so I guess that has something to do with this. I'm a serious, quiet person by nature so it's hard to change that. I try to look more approachable but I feel strange and phoney walking around like i'm the happiest person in the world. I generally don't like to attract THAT many people. I think the problem is i'm putting too much effort and analyzing this too much. If i just relaxed and didn't care, i'm sure everything would be fine. But I guess this serves a purpouse because I'm definetly not in any shape to have a relationship right now. If this still happens once i'm "better" on the inside, I don't know if i'll even have the confidence to be in one.
Yes, I think maybe you are too concerned about it and it shows. Just be yourself and relax. Try doing some positive affirmations, like: I, ____________, love myself, therefore, others loves me. I know it sounds silly, but when I read the book on affirmations and actually started doing them, I noticed how people began to treat me differently and were more interested. I started writing the one I mentioned down 15 or 20 times every morning when I got up, and WOW!

Women and men slowly began to come up and just be more friendly with me. It was awsome!! :)
Hey, jessica, SMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE! :D
[QUOTE=hillaryb]Hey, jessica, SMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE! :D[/QUOTE]It really is that simple. People want to be around happy people.
awww, Sorry Jessica did not mean to make you feel worst.
Merely stating that when we least expect it and out in the public w/our smiles on our face, walking with an Happy Attitude about life it does draw attention from others....NOT just MEN but females too.

I'm an outgoing person - I tend to say Hello to woman and complement them if they are wearing something nice that I like, I even have said to the Dunkin Donuts drive thru girl how lovely her Nails look (they were really cool looking)

It's not a matter of being a Fake/Phoney - just smiling "just because"

It could just be a "dry" spell you are going through right now - happens to everyone. You could be in an area where right now everyone is so consumed with their own lives - It may NOT EVEN BE YOU....Spring is Here and before you Know it SO will SUMMER....I hope you stay on board here and let us know how's it going with you - Heck, you may be too busy to log on because you are living it up, loving all the attention and glances you are receiving.

Cheer Up my friend - there is nothing wrong with you, Put on that Smile, tell someone Hello today and ask how they are doing.... :cool:
the magenta suit story reminded me of a similar incident. i have this really loud pair of clogs that are bright blue with a white and yellow flower on the toe. when people see these they either love or hate them, but i wore them out on st. patrick's day evening and got so many compliments it was unbelievable! granted, people might have been a little drunker than usual, but the point is that they are very happy shoes that i never would have bought a year ago when i was unhappy. so i think that while it may seem that surface appearance (clothes, weight, etc.) are what attracts guys, the bottom line is that i couldn't have worn something outrageous without feeling really self-confident, so ultimately, again, it all boils down to what's going on inside.
Obviously you are a very pretty girl to have been getting "checked out" like that in the past so you really don't have anything to worry about. Besides looking pretty, I have learned that you need to feel pretty on the inside that makes a big difference on how people perceive you. Just know that everybody is different and so they check people out in different ways. I might have a shy guy checking you out. With that being said, if you feel like you're not getting enough attention from us men, reverse the traditional way of starting a relationship and go talk to them. You might be surprised how many men are interested in a women who is forward and knows what she wants. I know I LOVE that. :)
[QUOTE=jessica129]You guys are making me feel even worse because it's been soooo long since i got any sort of compliment whatsoever, haha.

I've been told numerous times that i'm unapproachable so I guess that has something to do with this. I'm a serious, quiet person by nature so it's hard to change that. I try to look more approachable but I feel strange and phoney walking around like i'm the happiest person in the world. I generally don't like to attract THAT many people. I think the problem is i'm putting too much effort and analyzing this too much. If i just relaxed and didn't care, i'm sure everything would be fine. But I guess this serves a purpouse because I'm definetly not in any shape to have a relationship right now. If this still happens once i'm "better" on the inside, I don't know if i'll even have the confidence to be in one.[/QUOTE]

Hi Jessica, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so badly. If it helps, I think you're being much too hard on yourself. You're clearly a beautiful woman inside and out and men notice...if you ask me, all that stuff about getting attention when you're feeling happy and confident is only half true. Yes, confidence is attractive, but let's be realistic: looks still count for a whole lot more. A grumpy, frowning supermodel is still going to attract a lot more stares and attention from men than a happy but unattractive, overweight woman. I also think that when you are feeling kind of down and not so great about yourself, you're a lot less likely to notice people paying you positive attention. I've experienced this a lot...when I'm in a bad mood, I don't notice any guys looking at me and am always surprised if someone tells me I look beautiful that day. But when I'm happy, I probably look a bit more appealing, but part of what's happening is that I notice more when men turn to look at me (along with other signals like that). So don't worry, please Jessica...I'm sure you look great and just aren't really noticing positive responses around you. Why not shift your attention again to feeling happier and more optimistic about your life? It will not only make you look more lovely and radiate confidence, but more importantly, it will make you feel better about yourself and your future. :)
Well, if it helps, when I get you are beautiful compliments from strangers on the street (or grocery store) I get freaked out. Like whats wrong with them that they would walk up to a complete stranger and tell her she's beautiful! Or what's wrong with them that they would be interested in me!
I don't even know how to take a compliment! And obviously am bad with strangers.

About getting looked at, I guess I place less value on it. I guess it makes me feel a little better, but it's short lived. I really agree with the being happy theory.
Being looked at is just that. You can look at me all you want, but where's that going to get me.
Like the grumpy supermodel, it just's that. Shes only being looked at. But if one of these guys decides to date her, I'm sure her grumpiness and misery are gonna drive him off pretty fast. (Unless he's grumpy and miserable too) Looking good doesn't sustain a relationship. I think confidence outweighs looks by alot. After all, there's a lot of unattractive people out there who have better dating lives than I do.
I hope im staying on topic here, but I just have to say it: Im insecure about my personality more than anything else. It really stinks sometimes because I feel like I can attract people to me, but I dont have alot of close contacts because Im afraid they will get to know me and think Im a negative person with little to offer. When I was younger, one of my best male friends said to me "when I met you I really wanted to date you, but after getting to know you, im glad we just have a friendship--you have ISSUES!" I knew this of course, and that was 10 years ago, so those "issues" are resolved and Im ten times more emotionally mature, but I still worry that im not "up to par" when I interact with people. As a result, alot of people think Im unfriendly. Im not, but sometimes when I am having a bad day, I just dont interact with anyone. I read once that christopher walkin used to say "people are fascinated with me until they meet me, then they dont like me". I kind of feel like that sometimes.

Anyway, I know that sometimes I am just too hard on myself, which perpetuates all that negativity, and I am happy to report that Im getting alot better about not bashing my own personality! :eek: I have a friend who I admire deeply. She is very overweight, and feels so bad about her appearance, but she is such an amazing person, and I really admire her. She has such a strong sense of herself and her beliefs and backs them up 200 percent. What you see with her is what you get and she is truly a solid, good person. I am still developing a sense of what I stand for and who I am and I dont know if I will ever grow to be half the person she is. She has tons of friends and isnt afraid to get close to anyone. She has nothing to hide. Man, she is amazing, and if anyone cant see it because she is heavy, they dont deserve her.

So yeah, there is this part of me that is like "woo hoo Im almost 30 with 2 kids and I still get hit on alot" but it means very little in the grand scheme of things. Now, if someone gets to know me and says "you know what, you are a really great person" that means sooo much more to me than "omg, you are really hot". I am getting to know myself, which is part of it, and Im starting to see what is good about me on the inside: Im an animal lover and I take wonderful care of my pets and love them very much. I love my kids and am a good mom. Im trying to be a better wife and am making great strides. Im a much better daughter and friend than I was when I was younger." I know this is long so bear with me--Im almost done. The thing is , a long time ago, I wasnt a good friend, I was a horrible daughter, and I did poorly in my relationships with men. The lines between right and wrong in my mind were blurred, and I was selfish. I am not any of those things anymore. I will take that over being good-looking and getting stared at any day of the week!

so yeah, woo hoo getting hit on is fun, but earning someone else's love and respect has nothing to do with how many men cat-call you.
hillaryb, what a terrific post! your clarity of vision is impressive; I think you truly understand what is important in life. thanks for putting it so well.





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