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[COLOR=DarkOrchid] I happend to stumble upon my journal from when my ex broke up with me. I thought there was a lot of useful things in there and as I started reading it, I realized how far I've come since that time in my life. :)

I have responded to many of you that have posted things about your ex contacting you again after a certain period of time, or to some of you that are just simply trying to get over your ex.

I thought that since my notes that I had from my hurtful experience were so helpful to me, that maybe they would be useful to you also! :angel:

One thing that I was told in therapy/counseling is that journaling my thoughts helps tremendously. So, I went out and bought a notebook and I wrote in it at least once a day. Sometimes more. As I sit here and look at the first page in my journal, it was written a little less then a month after my ex broke up with me. I was saying how sad I felt and how much I longed to hear from my ex. I even said in there that I called my ex's cousin and talked to her to see if my ex had said anything to her about me. I was looking for any sort of comfort or hope I could possibly get that he still wanted to be with me.

I notice so many of you that do this in your posts. It is a very normal thing to do.

At the end of that first entry my exact words are "It is Friday night and I wonder if he is going to go out. Will he meet girls and will he sleep with them? It still all saddens me but at the same time angers me greatly."

I just want all of you to know I really did go through what some of you are going through today. I'm here to tell you I got through it and so will you!

That next morning I wanted to call my ex terribly. I kept putting it off and journaling...then went to work out. When I got home I still felt the need to call my ex. So I did something my therapist told me to try before calling. I wrote down exactly what I thought would be said in the conversation. I wrote down what I knew I would say, and then what I thought he would say back to me. After writing that down, I wrote down what I hoped for, and then logically if I really truly thought I'd get what I wanted by calling him. The first time I did this, it didn't keep me from calling him, but strange thing was, he said exactly what I wrote down that he would say, and it didnt' leave me feeling any better. That helped me to go a lot longer with out calling him...soon days turned into weeks and weeks into months.

A few things I learned in therapy:

1. Be patient with myself (yourself)

2. When feeling frustrated/edgy - take 5 very deep breathes

There are 3 different forms of communication:

1. Aggressive- Forcing what you have to say on someon you are talking to.

2. Passive Aggressive: These are indirect expressions to the receiver.

3. Non Assertive: Not clearly communicating my (your thoughts), needs, or feelings.

In all three of these forms of communication the receiver does NOT get the message you are sending.

The healthiest way to communicat is: Assertive Communication: Clearly communicating your needs, thoughts and feelings. This should be everyone's goal when communicating with another person.

4 steps in achieving this is to say

"I_______ (this comes from you)

"I FEEL" __________ (use one word that is an actual feeling-sad, angry, ect.)

Tell the other person what happened (short and to the point)

then state what you want:

"I would like________". (always remember you can ask for something but you might not always get it.

The responsability on your life is your own, no one elses.

There is a such thing called RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION: feeling like you can't be happy or feel good, pretty, beautiful, unless you are with a man. What you need to do is start telling yourself that you are stronger then he is. Also, that the relationship will not go where you want it to. You have the strength to get through this.

Remind yourself of the following:

_____ can never be right for me

You are hanging on to a man that can never give you what you need or deserve in a relationship.


Remember that it is important to always feel the pain, loss, saddness that is connected with your break-up. Just don't let it reconnect you with the source of pain (your ex).

Remember when you think about contacting your ex, or you just feel consumed with thoughts of him/her because you feel that it is giving you hope, it is actually just keeping you stuck in the present, not able to move on.

Remember that there is usually a temporary payoff when you go to contact your ex. Try to figure out what yours is.

Give yourself everything you wanted to get from your ex:

Love
Respect
Happiness
Power
Validation

I sure hope this helps those of you that are struggling, I really know how much I have changed since my break up in 2000. It takes time, and people get through it, just like I did, so will you! :bouncing: [/COLOR]





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