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Relationship Health Message Board


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I'm not really sure where to start, because there are so many little things involved.

My wife and I have been married now for a little over 3 years. We still love each other very much, but it seems like things have sort of gotten "stagnant" (for lack of a better word).

I know part of the problem is, each of us not really wanting to compromise much at all, among other things. And that we are sort of stuck (for financial reasons at the moment) living in the same house with my parents, although we do have a few rooms to ourselves.

It seems that all, or most of the passion has more or less fallen by the wayside. Not that it is completely gone,
just that it does seem to have slipped away some, and we can never agree on when or what we need to do about it.

The thing about it is, the many "little things" involved, as I have said.
She has been diagnosed with some personality disorders and is in treatment for it.
(depression and obsessive, compulsive personality, I believe is the diagnosis)
I know, and understand that this is some of the issue as well, at least at the moment.

Also, we are in the process of trying to get her permanent residency conditions removed.
(We met on the internet, and she is originally from Denmark)

We are financially, ....umm... not at a good place at the moment. Not extremely bad, just not real good.
We would like to put on an addition to the present house, so that we have more of our own space, and privacy,
but this is just not going to happen soon enough, due to many other reasons.

She also has had a lot of problems (personal conflicts I guess you might say) within her family lately, that have also added to her depression, and to our list of little problems.

With all this stated above, and the little things between us, it is really making it hard for us to actually build on, or even maintain our relationship properly.

She will sit at the computer for hours on end, talking to other people with similar problems, in a chat room, which I think is somewhat of a good idea, but then again, that also has had "some" impact as well, on our relationship,
as she more or less sits in her own little world, while I sit 5 feet away, almost as if I weren't even there sometimes.

And she almost always goes to bed 2-4 hours after I do, so that puts a big "damper" on any kind of physical relationship,
such as sex, or for that matter, even just snuggling for a little bit and talking before we go to sleep.

I have to admit also that, I too, sit at my computer, for hours working on things, somewhat oblivious to her existence as well.
We do talk back and forth somewhat while at out computers, but obviously, it is not nearly enough. And this has gone on far too long.

The first 3 months we were together, there were no problem at all with any of this.
I went to stay with her in Denmark for those 3 months while we got all the paperwork taken care of, and got all of her affairs there sewn up for her to move here.
While there, we had a great relationship. The physical, and emotional contact was there. We would sit on the couch watching TV while
holding each other. We would cook together almost every night. I would get up with her in the mornings at 5 am just to be with
her for those few minutes before she had to leave for work for the day. We had a fairly active sex life. Most of the time
the sex was before bed, but not always. It was more spontaneous, and a lot of times, she was even the one to initiate it.
And often we would have an encounter 2, maybe 3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. It wasn't really an issue.

This all changed almost immediately, once we got here and settled in. Not drastically, but very noticeably, and continually
declining. To the point where now, we have had sex approximately 4 times this year, and usually it seemed as though it was just
a matter of her appeasing me, not that she necessarily wanted to. And usually not until after 2 am, when she comes to bed after
I have already been on bed for a while.
When I bring up the issue of sex, there always seems to be some sort of "excuse", even after that particular "excuse" is put to rest,

another arises. It's gotten to the point to where I basically just "suffer" silently, until she decides we should make love,
or she thinks I'm going to explode or something, and I'm almost afraid to even bring it up anymore, for fear of rejection,
and what other excuse may come up, or that it will just upset her.

I know there are many more things involved in a relationship than just the sex, and I can deal with that, and I want to work on all
the other things to help her, and us to get through all of this. But the thing is, the sex, physical contact, and intimacy is a very
important part of it to me also. And this is where a lot of things stem from, in my opinion, or at least on my side of it I guess.

Even the "little" things have kind of slowly disappeared. You know, the silly little couples things that everyone has.
Such as, "I'm the lucky one", "No, I'm the lucky one". "You are beautiful", "You're more beautiful", "I Love You", "I Love You More".
The little "sneak a kiss on the way by at work" (we also work together when we are scheduled that way) All the little subtle things
that I guess I took for granted, I seriously miss. She doesn't even really seem to want me to touch her much anymore, nor does she make
much of an attempt at touching me, or any of the little daily validations that were until recently, very common to us.
Most of this has just recently slowed/stopped, and this is what finally hit me that things are a bit worse than I had actually thought.
I didn't realize how much all of those little things meant to me, and our relationship, and how secure and loved they made me feel,
until it all stopped.

And now, this has created a new problem (at least for me anyway). I never had to worry about feeling jealous, or insecure about our
relationship until now. When we first met, she was very flirtatious, talked to LOTS of different people, spent hours in chats
and such, and even did so after we were married. That is part of what attracted me to her in the first place. Since I have always
been sort of shy to approach women, and very insecure about myself, her personality, openness, flirting, and such, although
sometimes made me a little uncomfortable, it was very exhilarating and a welcome change in my life, making me feel more confident
and a bit better about myself. And none of this even bothered me because of those little "securities", confirmations and daily
validations between us.

But now that these little things have all but stopped for the most part, I am once again feeling very insecure about us, and myself.
I find myself feeling very suspicious about little things that I know are stupid to even let bother me. Like her staying up till
all hours of the night chatting with people. And her wanting to take a small vacation alone, just to gather her thoughts, and find
out exactly what her expectations are and such.

I do think that it might be a good idea for her to take this little trip, to have some time to herself, and I want her to. Especially
if there is a chance that it may help her, and our relationship out. But I just can't seem to "not" worry about there being some
other underlying reason for it, or that it may make her drift further away from me, or any other possible outcome that is not
directly related to a resolution for her and "us". Also, I am very VERY uncomfortable with her actually taking this trip too.
Especially since one of the people she chats with is another guy. Not that I don't trust her, but I just can't get past my own
insecurities about the situation at the moment, and everything else I am feeling.
With all this other stuff going on, I just don't feel good about it at all.
I am afraid to even mention my uneasiness about it to her again. I know I will be completely paranoid the whole time she is gone.

I can understand when she says, she feels trapped, or caged because of the lack of complete privacy. I can also understand,
to some extent, the depression having somewhat of an affect on how she reacts to me, and us in general. I can even understand her
anxieties and worries about our upcoming interview with the Immigration procedures. But I am just not sure what to do, or how I
should react to all of this in order to maintain or rebuild our relationship to what we had before she moved here, or at least back
to a similar state that we can work with.
We have discussed it many times, so we are both aware, to some extent, what the other feels they are lacking, but once we discuss it,
that's usually about all the further it ever goes. It doesn't really ever seem like we attempt to do much afterwards to resolve all
of the issues we have just discussed. We are both equally guilty of this too.

We seem to shut each other out when it comes to these little needs, almost as if we are exacting revenge on one another, so to speak.
Like, "If you don't give me what I want/need, I won't give you what you want/need either". So it seems like we are in a vicious circle
the takes us nowhere, and produces even less constructive results.

We don't really fight about anything, and almost always get along very good, even when we have our little "disagreements".
But it seems like we have kind of shut each other out for so long, that we have grown accustomed to things being this way, and now that
we both have finally realized what we are actually doing to each other, (more so me realizing what I have been doing for quite sometime)
and our relationship, we don't even really know what to do to change it.

I want us to happily grow old together, and I'm pretty sure she does also. We just need to figure out how to get past all of these
little things, and move on to enjoying our life together.





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