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Ah, the joys of in-laws! My MIL isn't as bad as yours, but her mother, we call her evil grandma is the exact same way! MIL is pretty bad though, DH and I have been livign here for 5 years and she has been to see us (only about 40 minutes away) about 5 times.
She doesnt' do anything for us, excpet not pay her bills and send them to us, in DHs name so that we have to pay them. And give us crap for Xmas. They don't include either of us in anything. Not just me, although more me than him. Occasionally they will ask him to stuff but not me. Evil Grandma however always leaves me out of everything!!!! She even called me fat at my bridal shower, tried to get me to sign a pre-nup (which was so stupid, cause I was the one with money!) she didnt' even speak to me at my baby shower, just basically teh same kind of stuff you are talkign about. And now SIL is getting married, adn even though I am havign their first grandchild in June, they are so wrapped up in this wedding they can't even be bothered with the baby. SIL is mad because DH can't be at all her stuff because of the baby, wedding is three weeks after baby is due, well she picked the date after she knew about the baby. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are NOT alone.
i am not sure there is anything you can do about it. I don't really mind not be included cause my in-laws are so freaking stupid! But it does hurt me that they exclude DH and so obviously favor SIL, my parents are super great to us, and my grandma is the only real grandparent he has ever had. Which makes me sad for him.
So, tell her to her face that she will never speak to your children again like that, tell DH to do the same. As for him participating in this, he shouldn't be, but like my DH he probably just doesn't want to rock the boat. And as for them not including you in anything, just be glad you don't have to deal with their idiocy! I know it hurts your feelings, but serioulsy, unless you can get DH to stand up to them, and unless she is still being mean to your children, it will be alot easier to just ignore the whole thing. I mean, I look at it like this, if my husband was telling me how much he disliked my Mom, no matter how awful she actally was, I would get defensive, however I would stand up to my Mom, but my DH isn't a very agressive guy, so I can see why they dont' really say anything.
And, quit being nice to them, dont' give her anymore money, don't give her tickets to anything, don't go to her house. That is what I have done, for a long time I refused to go anywhere evil grandma was. I finally started going and just ignoring her, adn when she would make smart mouth comments to me, I would jstu make them right back. Which normally, I would never speak to an elder that way, but in my opinion she does not deserve my respect. Nor does your MIL deserve yours. But it's alittle stickier there because in this case noone even MIL likes evil grandma, I am just hte only one with guts enough to stand up to her.
However your husband does like his Mom, so if you say mean things to her it's going ot hurt him. So, basically what I am saying, I hope it made sense, is just ignore her.
I am sorry that she is so awful to you though. Maybe you can bring it up to DH gradually. But if she is mean to the kids again, then go after her with everythign you've got! I already told my DH if MIL wouldnt respect the way we chose to raise our kids or was mean to them, that he better get out of my way!
good luck!

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