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i have a new job and i am in training along with many others, and i have S/A - that is social anxiety disorder where i am not only shy around people,but i get anxious my heart starts beatin really fast and its a viscous circle where i dont want to talk to people cos i feel isolated already inside so i want to curl up and keep myself to myself but i WANT to talk to people cos i feel like a curled up ball who is isolated and lonely and it goes round and round and i end up going home upset becuase i feel frustrated with myself.

But anyway, i rung my bf up like i normally do after work, and i tried to keep it to myself and pretend i met loads of people,pretend i had a fantastic time but he knew in my voice i wernt happy,so he asked me what was wrong,i said im fed up but id rather not say, so i just went ''nevermind'' - this obviously (him being a man) made him think it was about him and i have a complaint about him so he, in a pissed off tone went 'right' so i had to then say that it was about me and id rather keep it to myself, but he wanted to know saying its better if i get i off my chest as i'll feel better afterwards,so i began to explain.

I told him all about the thing about feeling isolated and upset at the end (now he knows i have this problem we have spoken about it twice before and one of those times he nearly broke up with me for it) and then he just said i should try talking to people (like i havent tried!) and stop excluding myself anf thats why im like this,he said he feels like we are going round in circles with this and its just a problem thats keeps arising and its like it never gets sorted, he said its depressing and he doesnt like talking about it cos we always end up going silent awkwardly and we end up getting pissed off with each other - what the hell? ill have to say its me wanting support when its just him avoidin the issue sayin its depressing and making me feel worse and i end up feeling like the one with issues and a really unatractive person becase i cant talk to people at first!
i got upset even more than i already was and he was annoyed,i could tell, i told him not to be annoyed and im sorry (funny how i always have to back down to men just cos they turn it round and make me feel like a little girl) he said 'ok' but he isnt annoyed, and im not to think he's fell out with me,he wanted to get off the phone cos he felt like the mood was bad and would speak to me when were fine again.But i didnt want to leave it at it as i felt upset and insecure with him,feeling he was put off me by the whole situation - with my S/A, so i tried talkin about other things, i managed for a little bit but i ended up asking him a question - i just went 'can i ask you something?- can you accecpt that i can be shy sometimes?' then he in an annoyed tone again went 'look iv put up with it for 2 years, of course i accept it, i accept you fully for who you are' then i just said i can be shy sometimes then he sighed 'i knowww' then he added 'we've gone back to this again!,i know you used to be dead dead shy but you get on with my mates now, its just frustrating sometimes' i said i just want himt to accept it though despite it bein frustrating for him and he went 'i do! and its stupid how you feel you cant talk to me about me about anything you know you can' but i just said i feel i cant cos i feel im tryin to explain something and he just bites my head off or doesnt understand - which he doesnt about my social anxiety, he is confident has many friends and lots of hobbies, its obviously hard for him to listen to me talkin all ''depressing' as he says, i know i am not to talk about this again with him cos i end up feeling ugly and worried he'll get fed up and move on, but i feel realy worried right now he IS gonna get fed up and want someone confident and outgoing, cant i be loved? it really isnt fair, why was he acting like this?





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