It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Tigger, I realise that you are hurting and that you and your bf are very young. There is no need for him to call you names. However, I think you need to look very closely at his actions. Whilst I'm not excusing his behaviour, now that you have filled in much more of the story it seems to make sense a bit more. He said at the beginning that he didn't want to keep the child. You say at the birth he was different, but this is because he had no choice in the matter. The baby was coming whether he liked it or not, so he had to make the best of it and try to do the right thing. After all, it is his son. But at his age, he probably feels like you have taken control of his life and he no longer has a say in it. I'm not saying that this is your fault, by any means. I am just trying to help you understand what is motivating your bf to perhaps behave this way. You say you want him to change. You can't change people. They either want to of their own accord, or they don't. It's that simple. Nagging him and arguing about it is only going to make him want to distance himself further and further. In other words you are telling him he has to be something that he is not, and you appear to be angry with the person that he is. That's a huge kick to his ego.

Yes, it took two people for you to fall pregnant. He played his part and should deal with the consequences. But life does not always turn out rosy. He made it clear that he was not ready for it. YOU chose to keep the child (which was well within your rights), but you can't expect him to be happy about it just because you want him to be. He is his own person and knows what he does and does not want. Trying to force him to be a good father (while I can fully understand your intentions) is not going to be productive. It seems to me that the verbal abuse is more about a building resentment for the way his life has become and his lack of control of his own life. He is being bombarded from all corners with responsibilities, and yet at his age I'm sure that he just wants to have a bit of fun. It seems to be frustrating for him. He knows the life that he wants to live, but he can't because he's being told to live another way.

I think that you should perhaps give him some time. He says that he wants to change for himself and be a better dad. Let him learn how to do that without nagging or arguing with him. Let him realise it himself. After all, this is a whole new thing for him too. Don't tell him what he should be doing... let him do what he thinks is right without the pressure and learn from there. It may mean that you will have to take some more responsibilities yourself, which I'm sure you already have enough, but remember that you did know that he wasn't too keen on this situation. Therefore by deciding to keep the baby, you also knew that it may not work out as rosy as you thought and he may not react the way you wanted him to. So although it's not fair, you probably should have been prepared to have to take on extra responsibilities.

In a perfect world, he would be the perfect father and try his best to do all that he could. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. You can't make him be the person that you want him to be. You can't expect him to be happy with the choices you make for him. But then again, if he is struggling with it... there are better ways to handle it. Again, it's about maturity. And he's probably not mature enough to be a dad. That's why I suggest that you give him some time and try not to pressure him. If you do have a problem, bring it up in a way where he thinks it is his own idea, rather than having to be told. Don't attack him, try to work with him to encourage him into maturing and growing up. Reward him when he does (yes it's like having another child I know). Make it fun for him, not an obligation. Give him his space to do "guy" things with his buddies. Open up your lines of communication, and remember that you play an important part in this. How you approach a conversation will be a factor in how he will respond. If you attack, he will get defensive and aggressive. If you are calm, rational and use phrases like "hey wouldn't it be great if we..." rather than "You should be.....". I'm not saying you do this, but it's just an example of how putting something in a different way can have different impacts.

I can see how it's easy to blame him for all this, but remember that usually, nothing is 100% one persons fault. You must also look at your own input and see things from his point of view also. You both probably need to work on your relationship and reconnecting with each other to eliminate as much resentment as possible. Remember, you guys are a team and should be working with each other, not against each other. Encourage each other and support each other. You probably both need to do a little growing up and both realise that the choices you each make will have consequences. And you both need to remember that you both are seperate people with seperate feelings. It's easy to forget that. It's about compromise so both parties can be happy.

Anyway, I hope you do not take offence to my post Tigger, and that perhaps you will find it a little insightful. I am not trying to blame you or hammer you, and it's very easy to say that it's all this guys fault. The point is though, it may not be ALL his fault. Whether it's right or wrong, he feels this way for a reason... and unless you try to understand why he feels this way and attempt to relieve it, his behaviour will probably continue and end up driving you away. Give him some time and try to approach things differently. If it doesn't improve, then at least you know that you gave it your best, but it just wasn't meant to be and then you can walk away with no regrets.

Good luck to you Tigger!





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:15 AM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!