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Hello Everyone,

I don't know if anyone remembers any of my posts, but I was posting about my relationship around the same time that JuliaGirl was, and we had very similar situations, except my boyfriend was far worse on the abuse scale. Basically, he wouldn't commit to me, "wanted his cake and wanted to eat it, too", was selfish and partied all weekend long without me, and I had reason to suspect that he was cheating on me. On top of it, he was extremely critical of me and physically abusive in the way that we would "play fight" and I would always end up getting hurt. We were together for almost 2 and a half years. Around the last time I posted on healthboards about my relationship, we DID break up, but I was still being a "friend" to him, and it turned out to be almost like we were still going out again after a little while. And this was after I "finally ended it" for the millionth time. I guess the only difference in the relationship this time was that I did NOTHING for him (no more laundry, cooking, favors) and that I couldn't look at him without thinking he was a complete liar. I was dealing with my own life and doing well, started college, and tried to ignore my semi-ex that still showed up at my house non-stop. Since that time, I will admit that I very stupidly slept with him twice. Anyway, though, he was in party and bar mode still, and I hated him for it, and told him everyday that our relationship would never, ever work. He recently had to move out of his little rich boy mansion because his "mommy" sold it out from underneath his feet, and tried to move in with my mom and I, to which we absolutely would not ever let that happen. I was nice enough to help him move (or dumb enough) and let him store some of his clothing in my basement. He moved in with his best friends: this pot-smoking, bar-hopping, alcoholic couple that I do not like. The stress of moving made our half of a relationship worse because I resented him more and more for his anger towards me and club-hopping, and he was livid that I wouldn't do anything for him anymore. We barely talked last week, and it felt more "over" than ever, which is what I knew was right, anyway. For me, it's been over for a while, and while he was out doing who-knows-what on the weekends, I was going out as well. I wasn't going to sit home and cry all weekend for someone who never acted like a real boyfriend. I was done a while ago putting up with his crap. So Saturday, his big bar night, rolled around, and I expected not to hear from him for days unless he wanted something, and was quite used to it. I was at the local gas station, and he showed up drunk and angry, and wanted his things from my basement. I was on the phone with our mutual friend Phil. I left with him, and he told me it was over, and that he never wanted to speak to me again. He accused me of cheating on him with our mutual friend, and of club hopping and constantly going out all weekend. The interesting thing is, I went out ONCE, this past weekend, for the FIRST TIME in almost ONE YEAR. He was turning everything around on to me, and was angry b/c I didn't "listen" and "stay home" for once. I argued with him, and shouldn't have, but he just made me sooo mad. I ended up crying and arguing with him until 7am. Somewhere along in that night, I weakened and kissed him before he left, stating with tears rolling down my cheeks that it was a "friendship kiss" because he was right, we ARE over. He agreed, and silently drove off. The next day I was angry and took the rest of what was in my basement of his, and dropped it off where he was staying when I knew he was at work. It was the "last word" for me, because I realized that he probably wanted to break up to have the single life that he was living 100%. He probably met a girl. Everytime he has ever accused me of anything, it was something that HE was doing wrong. Anyway, it's only been a few days, but I know it's over, and actually already went on a date last night for the first time in years. The guy is older than my ex, a musician, a bartender (but NOT a drinker), responsible, mature, hot, Italian (I LOVE Italian men), and wants commitment. He was previously engageed. He is probably the most amazing guy, or not even guy, but person, I've ever met. He is a gentleman on top of it. I REALLY like this guy, and there is tremendous pressure on me to date him from my father and a couple of friends of mine. BUT, my heart is still in the wrong place. It was SOOO recent that my ex and I ended it, and even though he was an abusive jerk, it is impossible to just "forget" someone that you loved so much like that. I know I can't get back with him because I can never stop resenting him and don't trust him whatsoever among other things, and don't plan on it, but I need recovery time. I'm still crying my eyes out over this loser, but do not want to lose my chance with this amazing guy I met. He asked me out again tonight, but declined saying I didn't feel well, which is a lie. I was too busy feeling empty and confused and angry about my break-up. I am soo stressed out. This is way too much to handle right now, and I have no idea how to go about starting off dating and handlingt his the right way. I don't want to lose my chance with this guy, but I have no room in my heart yet to fall in love. Also, I realized many things about myself by ending it with my ex. I think I stayed for many reasons, one being that I LIKED having a guy that couldn't read me and know what I was thinking all the time, because it's too close for comfort dating someone as intelligent as the awesome guy I just met. I think I might have in a way LIKED him being out all weekend, as it gave me more alone time. I think maybe I am the one with a fear of intimacy, and that is possibly why I stayed. I guess I'm just looking for some input on what to do, how to start off a relationship, and how to better heal.
:angel:
~Katalina





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