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Hi, my husband and I will be married for two years in august of this year. I am 28 and he is 24, we have a interracial marriage. We met in college in 2002. In march of 2003 I found out I was pregnant. I grew up in a very religous household and went through alot of guilt and extreme unhappiness in july of 2003 my husband proposed to me and we got married in august.

I kept asking my husband if he was sure he wanted to do this and he kept stated he wasn't doing this just because I was pregnant and I gradually started to believe him. My husband is a good man, however he had a bad drinking problem and pot smoking problem, eventually to pot smoking stopped but the drinking didn't. My husband was all i had to lean on, and he wasn't that open with his feelings, but he wouuld costantly tell me he loved me, having a child so soon and both of us not having any serious relationships in the past i feel put a strain on our marriage, we constantly started fighting alot and sometimes we would hit each other.

We lived in a one bedroom apartment and had lots of money and car issues. We tried counseling for 3 days and after that thought we were better. I didn't take being pregnant well, I had alots of self esteem issues when I was younger and having a baby and losing my friends (which i had alot) tore me up inside. My husband I guess ws dealing with been and young father and changing his lifestyle. 5 months after having my son, I got pregnant with my now 3 month old daughter. I was devastated but he was happy because he wanted to have aleast two kids, my husband was still drinkning and we were still arguing, i kept saying i wanted a divorce but he kept telling me he loved me and didn't want to give up on me and didn't believe in divorce and wanted to make things work, he would ALWAYS say that and beg me to try and get some help or stay with him. Well I guess I got my wish because just last week my husband stated he wanted to live seperately, the night before we had sex and he was telling me how much he loved me and wanted to make it work, we have been arguing probably atleast 3 times a month I feel my husband doesn't listen to me and is immature at times and he says he feels I have alot of emotional baggage because of being pregnant and my parents having divorced at a young age ( his parents never divorced but his dad past away in a accident when we were dating)

I have a good relationship with his family and a so so one with my mother and not a good one with my father, who is still involed in my life but i don't feel ever loved me. Anyway, I am shocked, upset and hurt. He told me he still loves me but we can't live together because it "I" will never be okay with being married (I do have a issue with being married, I never wanted too intil I met my husband) he hasn't left, we have a house now and have one car, I work 10 hour shifts he works 8 and we have money issues on top of married insecurities. My husband wants to live downstairs and tells me that he doesn't want a divorce right now but that he wants us to take it little by little and help each other finanically. Then he tells me that he always will love me but that he knows nobody will ever be able to marry me because I can't handle marriage and that I lost a good thing and that he feels we should be able to live together as roommates.


Just last night i told him it's very difficult to be upstairs and him downstairs and still talking but knowing he wants to live seperately in the end, and he got mad at me and stated that i'm getting what I've always wanted and that he tried so hard but I just don't know how to love anybody and that he doesn't want to get involed with anybody else but then he turns around and states that he'll find somebody who loves him but no man will every love and be with me because I have to much baggage and that I only will ruin it, it hurts alot that he tells me that no one will ever love me or be with me, but just last week and almost everyday tells me he loves me . He says he wants piece of mind and keeps harping on the fact that no other man will be able to put up with me except him but that he doesn't like me anymore, but just loves me and that I ruin every relationship because I want to be like my parents.

He tells me that I won't know how to take care of the children, when I've been taking care the whole family since we've been married. My husband is very niave, to the point that his own family states that. He mother wants us to stay together, and I can't talk to my parents or friends about this and anyway my mother doesn't want to talk about it, so I feel so alone and depressed, both me and my husband have a history of depression. I'm just soooo confused and hurt, how can he say he loves me but then turn around and say nobody else will love me? or then blame the marriage failing on me and that he never wanted to get divorce but I made him want to and he's giving me what I want and that it's all my fault, but then state that he wants to take one day at a time and then decide on it.

He even offered to go to counseling with me but then states he knows we can never live together because I'm too difficult, My husband sends me confusing mixed messages, we will have normal converstations and he be touching on me and then saying things that make me think that he doesn't want to separate, like calling me by his romantic nickname he's givin me since we were married but then turn around in the same breath and say that it's my fault his doing this and that no other man with want to be with me...I'm so confused hurt and don't know what to think anymore.
hello geishagirl24. your post is slightly confusing but i suppose that just reflects yoir state of mind at the moment.

you need to decide what you want. i know that sounds selfish and there'll be many who'll say that you should think of the wellbeing of your children before yourself, however, how can your children be ok if their mother is unhappy?

maybe you got married too young, maybe your husbands addiction is at the root of your problems. the way forward is not necissarily trying to find out what went wrong, you need to find a way to deal with this and make a decision.

heartbreak is exrtremely painful especially when you feel the other person is messin you about. i think your husband is sayin those things because his is angry, hurt and disappointed that it hasnt been the fairytale marriage. relationships are difficult and scary; communication is the key to a successful relationship.

my advice to you is to use this time to think and try and work out what going on in your head. if its possible take some time off work, leave the kids with someone and get away for a couple of days. you'll find it extremely difficult to make sense of things while your husband is still around and you are following your normal routine. gettin away for a few days will help you breath and allow you to take a step back and see things more clearly.

i wish you luck. i'm sorry i can't help you more, there isnt a magic wand to make things all better. time, patience and belief in yourself will get you through.





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