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Oh boy, another dreadfully long post for all that care to read it. *sigh* I need to vent - and maybe get some help understanding what the heck is going on.

I love "K" with all my heart. I'm 22, he's 29 (turned 29 today)...and our lives are so far from stable it's scary. Last night he broke my heart. We started dating about 10 months ago...and we live together. We just moved into a new apartment last weekend and it's gorgeous. K doesn't have a stable job (he moved over here hoping to do something in his field, but he has no degree and the competition is very very high) needless to say he's not very happy right now. And I understand and am very patient - and I'm supportive and give him hope that things won't always be like this. He wants to go to college and get a degree, and I'm 100% behind him on this. I feel so bad for him - he has health problems (diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure/cholesterol, seizures, something along the lines of IBS...) and I try to make him eat healthier but it's hard because it's not only time consuming, but it can also get quite pricey. He gets so stressed out about his health, mainly, but recently he quit his band on bad terms and to make a long story short he's creating scenarios where he happens to run into the singer and they end up fighting. So he's stressed out to the max, and I think he's going to give himself a heartattack if he doesn't calm down. :( So he's constantly depressed and in a bad mood - and it frustrates me. It's been like this for 2 months now - ugh, it's seriously killing me because there's nothing I can do about it. He's very snappy towards me a lot of times and so I try to get out of his way. But he always ends up apologizing in the end - or the next morning.

But last weekend I sat him down because he was being such a jerk to me and I said (while we were moving into our new place :() that I need to know what's going on. Basically it was scary and we were really close to breaking up.

What makes us unstable (according to him) is that

1. He wants a girlfriend who is moral and has a christian background (and I was raised in an atheist household - but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or Jesus!)
2. We don't have common interests (which isn't true at all!!) :( We met because I was looking for a drummer for my band and he responded...We both love movies and we both love video games...we both love playing magic cards...ugh...
3. We don't have the same sense of humor
4. We're on different levels and we don't understand each other a lot of times
5. My past: I used to drink and party before I met him...he doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs (which I love about him!) He thinks about my past, which I'm not proud of - but it's a phase that a lot of people go through...When he thinks about my past he thinks about all the guys that I've slept with...and he's asked me about them, and I'm not going to lie to him and tell him otherwise. :(

Well, those are the main things. He's been so stressed out the last few days - shaking at work, anxiety attacks...he's got so much on his plate - $35,000 in medical stable job...

But last night we were talking and he told me he thinks that he can't go out or do his own thing anymore because we live together (and that's normal because he wants to spend his time with me). And I told him I WANTED him to go out and do his own thing (because I want to go out and do my own thing, too!) and he says that's not true, that I would be upset. Of course I wouldn't. I need some "me" time, too...But then the conversation progressed and I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said, "I THINK SO". This after all the months of saying "forever"... He then said it's maybe because of all the things that are going on in his life, that he's too stressed out right now to feel very deeply for me...and he's just really confused. :(

Crying...I'm so hurt. He doesn't know whether he's in love with me anymore - he doesn't know if "I'M THE ONE" needless to say that makes everything even more unstable. Before he said these things I was still certain that we can work through this...but now I'm not so sure. I mean - I've tried so hard, but I just can't seem to be "that one". So no pressure I told him (tears running down my face) and that I hoped he would be honest with me if he didn't think there was hope for us anymore. He told me of course there's hope, babe - don't give up...let's keep trying...I don't want to lose you. :( So then we went to bed and we were facing each other and he said, "everything's going to be ok"....and he said he was so sorry... and I said, it's ok - your life will get so much better. One day you're going to drive up to your new 2 story house with a big yard...and you're going to walk up to the porch...and he interrupted me and said, "are you there?"...and I said....and you walk up the porch and I open the screen door with a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies...and then we go travel that weekend down to california... And then he said, "good"...and then we fell asleep...

This morning he held me in his arms and he said that he was sorry...and it's his birthday today...and it was as if nothing had happened last night and he said I love you while kissing me good bye in such a sincere way...

And then he called me on his morning break and was really happy, and I said we should drive to Van Couver (it's about 2 hours away) and he was so excited...and that we would have a romantic weekend for just the two of us...and then he called me just now and told me he didn't know if it would be such a good idea (because his jeep has a lot of miles on it and we don't have much money).... :( so I was sad and he noticed and he asked me what's wrong and I told him that I was thinking about last night...and he said that he's sorry and that those issues will either go away or come back - and he's afraid that because I'm 22 I don't know what I want to do with my life... :(

So anyway - I just am so exausted and love him with all my heart, but I don't know what else to do. Did I mention there's also a small lack of trust in our relationship, too? He's lied to me about little things here and there and they've caused me to act differently than I normally would (I think). Nothing too major...but some things that won't go unnoticed. :(

Anywho - just needed to vent because I have a feeling it's going to be a long weekend. It's his birthday today and I'm taking him out to Olive Garden and I got him some really cool presents...and I'm excited to spend the weekend with him, but I also don't want to smother him (and I've told him this before, which is why I want some space, too)...and he always reasures me that I never smother him...but he's that kind of guy that won't always tell you what's bothering him because he's afraid he'll hurt your feelings. Not just me, but to a lot of people he knows... :(

Happy friday everyone...

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