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Re: Did i cheat?
May 11, 2005
[QUOTE=sarahbear21]yes i was but i was sleeping in the spare bed room. i really hate my self for this and i can never forgive my self i know i need to regain trust but its hard i feel like he is taking all my privicy away like i cant to anything with out being watched over, i feel like i live with my dad again i have never had to answer to any one before and now i do and i hate it but am willing to stick with it for the love that i feel for him, i hate the song by missy higgins the special two it makes me so worried and guilty my bf played it over and over when all this was going on[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately you will have to put up with his checking on your every move. Deep down he probably knows there is more to the story and is feeling very insecure right now. Bottom line: He doesn't trust you and quite frankly he has a reason not to.
I just hope he can eventually get over it and learn to trust you again. Some people never get over things like this.
I will probably get bashed for what I am about to say, but I am a firm believer in the fact that if someone cheats, they better be prepared to live with the secret for the rest of their life. I don't believe in telling the other person because all that does it clear the cheater's mind and puts the burden and hurt on the other person. This is one reason why I have never cheated. I wouldn't be able to live with my guilty conscience.
Are you a cheater? Well I guess that's up to you to decide. Your guilt would suggest you knew what you were doing was wrong, even though you were sleeping in separate rooms. I think if you were truly broke up and were not broke up because of this other guy, you wouldn't have still been living with your boyfriend. In addition, if you were truly not together, what does it matter that anyone else found out about what you did?
Re: Did i cheat?
May 11, 2005
The very first thing you may want to do is make sure that you are healthy. You recently were intimate with a man from work that you don't very well. It's easy to catch something "silently". So, the first thing would be to make an appointment with your MD and have a routine gynecological check-up. In this day, sadly, you can't be too careful. You might also think about getting an HIV test because you don't want to be at risk, or put your boyfriend at risk.

Secondly, you slept with someone else. Depending on how you look at it, is could be considered cheating. I mean, you were apart only two weeks, and were immediately intimate with someone else. That's fast.

Admittedly, some people do need a guilty wake up call to realize stronger feelings for another person. Sometimes making a BIG mistake is the only way for some people to make grander realizations. I don't think it's the way to go, meaning, to make decisions based on the results of sleeping with someone you're not sure about, but it does happen. It doesn't make you a horrible person, but to some people, that could label you as a cheater, or worse.

The bottom line is what's done is done. I don't condone your actions, because I think they were foolish and dangerous. You are already dealing with enough guilt, so that's enough on that subject.

It's pretty "normal" for anyone feeling jealous to question the motives and actions during a break - especially if those two people end up getting back together. Your boyfriend is acting like an insecure and jealous person, with some right.

HOWEVER, he does not have the right to snoop through your things or drill you like he owns you. Understandably, he's worried and upset and jealous about all the "what ifs". Your lying to him about your actions has only made things more uncomfortable for you because of the worry you have that he might find out the truth.

The thing is, the truth is what really happened. It's up to you whether you want to tell it or not, but to continue to make up additional lies about the time is only making you feel worse and digging in the fact deeper that you did something you are ashamed and guilty of.

The other thing here is your boyfriend's drinking. A separate issue, but a very important one. You have to decide if you want to spend your relationship time with a man who is a drinker. You've already made some references that suggest his drinking is not just a simply drink-with-dinner habit. You will have a tedious relationship with any person who has a drinking problem, and the problems in your relationship you have now will intensify, in part, due to the troubles that arise from your boyfriend's drinking issue. Maybe in some way, your boyfriend's drinking is making you unhappy and on some level, seeking comfort and companionship elsewhere. It's NOT an excuse to sleep with someone else, but if you lack the companionship you are desiring with your boyfriend, you may continue to seek it out elsewhere at another time.

Bottom line, your recent rendevous is now water under the bridge. I would make it a point to tell your boyfriend that you love him, and that in order for you to maintain and continue your relationship, he needs to stop throwing that event in your face - you can tell him that you already feel bad enough and you don't need him to remind you of your break-up, which is still a painful memory for you. With that, he needs to stop snooping, and if he feels he cannot control himself, you will need to end this relationship again. However, if the truth does surface - you need to be honest and let him know how things really happened.

If you are afraid of losing a relationship due to a "secret" or a worry, then really, what kind of a relationship is it to begin with? Love is sadly, not always unconditional, and with good reason - however, in order to feel loved completely, you want to know that he does love you completely, secrets, bad behaviors, and all.

Take care.

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