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Relationship Health Message Board

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Sure, go ahead and tell your boyfriend that this guy made everyone feel ill at ease. Let him know that in the future you'd be willing to see his work-buddy again, but ONLY if the guy is NOT drunk.

Clearly, many people are very different when they are drunk and when they are not. You have only seen this guy in one particular light that was not very flattering. He DOES deserve a second chance. To attempt to completely eradicate him from your life and/or your boyfriend's life -- or to make your boyfriend agree to stipulations this early on in the relationship... eh... maybe not a great idea, you know?

Repeated offenses and obnoxious behavior require a firmer stance and a re-evaluation of the situation. In other words -- if the guy behaves the same the NEXT time you meet him -- you have more clout to request to your boyfriend that this guy is no longer invited into your social circles.

Being drunk is not an excuse -- and yet it is. He may be a dude that is drunk OFTEN. In which case -- you may never know what personality traits he will exhibit if you are around him and if he gets drunk again.

Life is full of uncomfortable situations. Avoiding ALL of them at all times is NOT possible.

It would be a good idea for you to start learning how to develop strategies for dealing with the poor behavior of others. You can't run and hide all your life, right?

You should NOT have to be subjected to this type of buffoonery on a regular basis -- but you DO have to be understanding and accepting that not everyone you meet will please all your sensibilities or behave in a way that fits in with your own particular crowd of friends.

Learning new interpersonal skills is a GREAT goal to have. It takes time and quite a bit of thought. The good news is that in life, many uncomfortable situations repeat themselves over and over. Once you have learned how to handle yourself in ONE situation, should it happen again -- you already know what to do!

A happy medium is in order here. Tell your boyfriend that you'd enjoy meeting the guy another time, when he is not drunk. Also make it clear that you do not want to hang out with lots of other folks ALL the time -- you two need private time, too. That means that sometimes YOUR friends are not invited, either! This is more than fair. For all you know, one of YOUR friends bugs HIM!

If you try to mandate to your boyfriend right now that certain associates of his are NOT welcome at all -- he's going to wonder just how controlling you might be in the near future if someone else he knows "offends" you in some way. If he thinks you might start banishing all his friends -- he's not going to stick around for long.

Sometimes in life we meet a whole lot of goofballs. That's life. Best get used to it. Repeated offenses and personalities which are destructive to social settings CAN be eliminated eventually -- but there MUST be a very good reason to do so and ALL other options need to be considered first before taking the very drastic action of drawing up battle lines in the sand.

TOLERANCE is a wonderful thing -- but it has limits, too.

Express your opinions, discuss the situation, be willing to give the guy a second chance -- and THEN see what happens.

If it were ME in your situation, rather than put the entire onus on my partner, I'd feel free to say something MYSELF when faced with obnoxious behavior:

"My friends and I aren't interested in flirting with married men." That pretty much puts a damper on anything he's got planned!

"Gee, we just don't drink all that much here." Now he knows that being drunk isn't attractive to the people he's currently pestering.

"It was nice to meet you, but we really should get going." A classic and CLASSY way to excuse yourself when necessary.

You get the idea. TACT comes in handy -- even when dealing with someone who has none of that themselves!

Good luck.

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