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Re: What If...
Jun 8, 2005
Well in my friend's marriage, it was a bust. The "lost" daughter wanted to spend every free moment with her new found father which was understandable, but she became demanding of more and more of his time. She didn't care that she had half siblings and that they needed their father too, and this caused a rift in the family. The girl did not want any part of the family as a whole, she was concentrating on the father alone, and it got to the point where she began driving a wedge between him and his wife (my friend). She was constantly phoning for the father and being quite rude and abrupt with everyone else, and she was constantly touching him in front of the other children (and my friend) which made everyone uneasy. She was told to control herself, that this was not all about HER and HIM, and that there were others' feelings to consider but she didn't care. They ended up sending her a letter that if she couldn't be part of the family as a whole, that she wasn't welcome in their home anymore. She wrote a nasty letter back and then promptly disappeared. It's been a few years now and they haven't heard from her since. Upheaval for nothing.

My own situation is an odd twist of fate because when I was first married I learnt of this child but the mother refused to have a paternity test taken (she never exactly said why but there was much speculation that she did not know who the father was). Anyhow the situation was dropped - my ex did not want to get emotionally attached if he wasn't the father and she didn't want to take it any further. Life went on, we had a child of our own, got separated, divorced, and he just recently passed away at the age of 40. It was his obituary that prompted the mother to contact the family after all these years (18?). She wrote something in his online condolence book asking if the family remembered her and if they would contact her, so one of them did. DNA was retrieved before burial and the test results came in just yesterday - POSITIVE.

I feel bad that this girl missed out on a father her whole life and I feel bad that my ex never knew the truth, and thus missed out himself. He carried alot of guilt around with him for many years and this may have even been part of it. HOWEVER, I don't know what to do. I have to tell my son he has a half older sister and I don't know where to begin to tell him. He's only 10 and has gone through so much in the past 3 years alone - death of a grandmother, death of a grandfather, a move, change in schools, a brand new baby brother, the illness and death of his father, and we are moving again so he will be attending a new school come fall, and now THIS. I'm not looking at this negatively, just that it's so much for him in so little time. This girl (woman?) is very anxious to meet her half brother and I feel bad for not telling him yet and wanting to wait until school is out to say anything. I don't know. I have just never heard of anything good ever coming out of something like this. People I know who have been in similar situations (like adoptees) never found what they were looking for, and everyone has always been left feeling disappointed and angry. I feel bad for the girl but I want to protect my son and the rest of us. I haven't spoken to her or met her yet, but I can assure you that she will not know my son until I know HER first.

I should have gotten a trip to Maury Povitch out of this one....... I'm sure Jerry Springer could have had a day or 2 as well. :)

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