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Thank you for your replies,

I have to say I am relived and embarassed.

I have asked and asked for a divorce. And I thought I had explained things to him very carefully. Just moments ago he told me that I was a freak and a ***** for wanting to break up our family just so i could get laid.

I don't know if I gave that impression or not BUT that is not the case. I know, more than anyone, that I will not ever be involved in any great romance. It isn't that I have poor self esteem but that I am a realist. A leopard can't change its spots. BUT, I am a wonderful friend. I have a great sense of humor and one of those great personalities you hear so much about. Not the stuff men want to take to bed. I am one of those types for whom love making is very emotional, I have learned that I won't ever be able to expose myself like that again. The very thought of it makes me break out in hives. Literally!

That doesn't mean I don't have a plan. Here is my dream. Get divorced and settle my son into our new life - and then become a foster mom. Motherhood is a delight for me and something, if I do say so myself, I am very good at. I'm not afraid of single motherhood - I basically do it now. My husband works graveyard - he sleeps when my son and I are home during the evening - we just have to be a little quiet. Finacially - I make a lot more than him. He doesn't put his money in with mine but he will give me some anytime I ask.

Now, one more confession - one that may make you think a lot less of me. Last January I had an affair - sort of. I started seeing a man, he is a single parent and was having a lot of issues with his son. He was sweet and sad. Anyway. I ended up having oral sex with him, and one time went to bed with him once. Again, my very strange mind kicked in. I thought it was awesome! He didn't. A week later we were going to get together but he told me that he had to go out of town. He asked me to watch his son and the child of his friend. There had been bad storms in part of our state and he worked for a power company. It was not unusual for him to have to work out of town. I said yes, not really knowing how I would explain it to my husband. As it turns out, I didn't have to. His "friend" was gorgeous - they had plans to go to a resort. He said he new he could count on me to return a favor. He had slept with me as a favor !!!!!!! And in return I watched their kids. My husband's only comment was how I was a good friend. Lessoned learned. And yes, I did check to make sure I hadn't woken up in the twilight zone! It had taken every bit of courage I had to go to bed with him. I did laugh at myself --- how pathetic that after everything I still didn't have the self control to just say NO! I even bought this guy a box of condoms because he had told me that he hated to buy them because he was embarrased. I think I said something once that made him wonder if I was ok with everything and I just laughed it off. I have to admit - it was kind of funny. I was using him to feel sexy and desirable and he was using me for a babysitter. But as I said, I did learn my lesson and believe now that I have the control required to avoid those types of situations in the future. I believe there are just those people that are not meant to have physical or intimate relationships. I am one of those people.

I made a list of my better qualities and have made a pledge to myself to stick with what I do best. When I feel the need for intamacy I do something for someone else. Bake a cake for the fire department, sew a dress for a little girl at the children's shelter, things like that. Things that are not selfish.

Which brings me back to the thought I am trying to avoid. My husband's response. I truly don't think I am being slutty. I don't want to leave him because he doesn't have a response to me. He isn't the only one. I'm cool with that, I accept that. My fear is now that as I push forward he will bring up some of the things I have done. I actually get sick to my stomach at the thought of my friends knowing how pathetic I am sexually. I am not super close to any of them but I think that is because I live in fear that they will find out my secrets.

Again this got long, thank you again.

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