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Hi everyone,

Since you have all been incredibly helpful in the past, I was hoping you might be able to advise me on a couple of issues related to online dating. As most of you know, I decided soon after my breakup about 2 months ago that I wanted to move on ASAP and look to the future rather than spending any more time being sad over the past. Online dating had always really appealed to be, as I'm quite choosy about guys and very particular about what qualities I like and don't like. For instance, I'm just not attracted to short guys, guys with red hair, guys who aren't intelligent or able to write and speak coherently, and guys who aren't open-minded and independent thinkers. I tried to be as clear as possible about what I want in my profile, but I still get deluged with emails from barely literate, religious, and conservative men--eww!! I can't date a man I don't respect intellectually, and if someone subscribes to the nonsense they're fed by the current religious and political leadership in this country, then I have absolutely no interest in wasting my time on that guy (as opposed to someone more thoughful and enlightened). Intelligence is far and away the most important quality I look for, and so far this priority has led me to a serious of very happy, serious, and educational relationships. I think my ideas about what guys I'm looking for and which are compatible with me are pretty accurate, as I've never had any shortage of great guys to choose from or any disappointing relationships. So I don't see any need to be more tolerant in which guys I'll consider...in fact, the main thing I need help with is how to screen messages I receive through the online dating site and deciding which guys are worth pursuing. I get about 12-15 messages a day, but about a third of those are from guys who clearly haven't read my profile, because they don't match what I want whatsoever.

So here are my questions--I'd be really grateful if anyone had any insights or suggestions to provide--thanks in advance! :)

1) How do I go about determining which guys who contact me are worth responding to and possibly meeting in person? Personally, I think you can only learn so much about someone and can't really determine whether or not there is any spark/chemistry/attraction until you meet in person, so I like to get together for dinner after talking for a few weeks. However, I'm pretty busy and not all that big on keeping in touch with a lot of people, so I have to be choosy off the bat when it comes to the guys I decide to contact. I'm not that great about being on top of returning emails and phone calls, so realistically I can only keep up with 5-10 guys at a time without unintentionally flaking out on some. Even though most of them seem like promising possibilities, I just can't manage to talk to all of them, so I am desperate for some tips and advice about how I can tell which guys are and aren't worth my time. Does anyone have any insight about how you can tell whether a guy is genuinely interested in dating, or whether I might get along with a particular guy, just going on his emails alone?

2) I'm wondering if I've made a mistake in posting a certain picture on my profile, which might account for the large volume of emails I receive, especially from idiots who clearly didn't bother to read through my profile. There's nothing indecent about it, but I did include one full-body picture of myself in a clingy red dress...it wouldn't be a big deal on most people, but because of my body type, the picture is pretty revealing. (I'm small and petite everywhere but in my chest, hips, and butt, which are all very clearly highlighted in this particular photo.) Would I have better luck getting emails from only guys who are legitimately interested in me as a person, rather than just a sexy woman, if I only included pictures that didn't reveal much of my figure?

3) I hope it's OK that I post my online dating profile here...I was hoping you guys might be able to provide some feedback (constructive criticism would be very welcome if you think there is something I could improve on) about what kinds of guys I should look for among the variety of people who respond. I want a guy who is confident, brilliant, successful and driven, handsome, tall and fit, fun, relaxed, easy-going, likes reading and TV, worldy, sophisticated, non-judgmental, non-predudiced, sexist, or traditional and exclusive in his thinking in any way, athiest or agnostic, and who doesn't smoke cigarettes but isn't uptight about drinking and recreational drugs. So far most of the guys who write me seem to fit this criteria, so how can I go about weeding out the ones who are best-suited for me? Here is my profile...I would really, really appreciate any help, as I'm feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed here, though I'm certainly happy that I've gotten such a positive, effusive response so far from guys on my online dating site :).
Thanks guys! Your feedback was really great and helpful. I guess you are probably right that I should take down that particular sentence, but on the other hand, I'm not humble whatsoever and I don't want to come across that way. If a guy is turned off by a woman who thinks highly of herself, they aren't going to like me...so do you still think I should remove it? By the way, I am an INTJ (I know, that's kind of random, but I just took that test recently and was shocked at how well it described me). Sorry, anyway, I am not arrogant, just very confident in my abilities...I am the very best at the things I'm good at, and I know what I don't know and what I suck at. For instance, all the guys I've known say I'm the smartest person they know along, with the best cook, the sexiest woman, the most charming and unique, etc. But I am not at all creative and not particularly interested in the arts, not very sensitive to nor interested in other people, and not particularly interested in thinking and talking about emotions, as I'm guided by logic rather than feelings. A lot of guys have said they found that part of my profile attractive so I don't know...

I'm sorry if I gave the impression I was attracting creeps and other guys I don't like. Most of the guys are of course professional and extremely well-educated, as they're not religious Republicans. The guys I've met are all very successful, intelligent, attractive, etc. So I'm very happy with all the guys I dated so far, and most of them have been interested in dating again. I'm not at all complaining about the quality of guys I'm attracting or that they only want flings...that's not at all the case so far anyway. Thanks so much Goody--your assessment and reassurance was just what I needed, and thanks so much for looking out for me. I do get to sleep enough because I sleep in until the afternoons, so please don't worry, though sometimes the medications I must take make it difficult to sleep, as does my pain some nights.

Greeneyes, the dress is not revealing, it comes up to my neck and down to my knees, but it's clingy, so it looks how it would look if Jennifer Lopez wore a tight almost sheer sequined dress...I go back and forth on whether I should take the picture down, but I do seem to be getting contacted by exactly the type of guys I like. I think I'd get less emails for sure without the picture and probably less from the really cute guys, so I don't know. I don't mind the guys who aren't really brilliant and successful if they are football players or hockey players...yum. So far, I'm impressed with all the cute young guys online--it seems like most college students are doing it now, so it's definitely normal, cool people who do the site I'm on (Nini you should try it!!)

Pcantona, thanks, and I think you're right. Maybe I should take down that quote and the picture and then have less guys to deal with. As it is, I am having trouble keeping up with them all because I'm just not that into emailing and I really don't like talking on the phone. I just need to be more tough when screening them out...I do try to go with guys who look attractive, who sound smart and successful, and whose profiles I like, but it's hard to tell much for sure until you meet, so I would like to meet quite a few of these guys. I just hope they don't expect me to start dating them exclusively...I've weeded out some of the ones who seem like they'd get possessive and clingy, because I am not at all interested in a relationship for some time yet. But still, do you think I'd be better off getting rid of the "not looking for anything serious"? Thanks again everyone and have a great weekend!
[QUOTE=Snails]Thanks guys! Your feedback was really great and helpful. I guess you are probably right that I should take down that particular sentence, but on the other hand, I'm not humble whatsoever and I don't want to come across that way. If a guy is turned off by a woman who thinks highly of herself, they aren't going to like me...so do you still think I should remove it? By the way, I am an INTJ (I know, that's kind of random, but I just took that test recently and was shocked at how well it described me). Sorry, anyway, I am not arrogant, just very confident in my abilities...I am the very best at the things I'm good at, and I know what I don't know and what I suck at. For instance, all the guys I've known say I'm the smartest person they know along, with the best cook, the sexiest woman, the most charming and unique, etc. But I am not at all creative and not particularly interested in the arts, not very sensitive to nor interested in other people, and not particularly interested in thinking and talking about emotions, as I'm guided by logic rather than feelings. A lot of guys have said they found that part of my profile attractive so I don't know...

I'm sorry if I gave the impression I was attracting creeps and other guys I don't like. Most of the guys are of course professional and extremely well-educated, as they're not religious Republicans. The guys I've met are all very successful, intelligent, attractive, etc. So I'm very happy with all the guys I dated so far, and most of them have been interested in dating again. I'm not at all complaining about the quality of guys I'm attracting or that they only want flings...that's not at all the case so far anyway. Thanks so much Goody--your assessment and reassurance was just what I needed, and thanks so much for looking out for me. I do get to sleep enough because I sleep in until the afternoons, so please don't worry, though sometimes the medications I must take make it difficult to sleep, as does my pain some nights.

Greeneyes, the dress is not revealing, it comes up to my neck and down to my knees, but it's clingy, so it looks how it would look if Jennifer Lopez wore a tight almost sheer sequined dress...I go back and forth on whether I should take the picture down, but I do seem to be getting contacted by exactly the type of guys I like. I think I'd get less emails for sure without the picture and probably less from the really cute guys, so I don't know. I don't mind the guys who aren't really brilliant and successful if they are football players or hockey players...yum. So far, I'm impressed with all the cute young guys online--it seems like most college students are doing it now, so it's definitely normal, cool people who do the site I'm on (Nini you should try it!!)

Pcantona, thanks, and I think you're right. Maybe I should take down that quote and the picture and then have less guys to deal with. As it is, I am having trouble keeping up with them all because I'm just not that into emailing and I really don't like talking on the phone. I just need to be more tough when screening them out...I do try to go with guys who look attractive, who sound smart and successful, and whose profiles I like, but it's hard to tell much for sure until you meet, so I would like to meet quite a few of these guys. I just hope they don't expect me to start dating them exclusively...I've weeded out some of the ones who seem like they'd get possessive and clingy, because I am not at all interested in a relationship for some time yet. But still, do you think I'd be better off getting rid of the "not looking for anything serious"? Thanks again everyone and have a great weekend![/QUOTE]

I think it's great that you are so self-confident. That's probably why you have no trouble attracting successful men. It's funny that you mentioned that test; I took it too and couldn't believe how much it was like me. I believe it's called the Kiersey something test and a lot of employers use it to do hiring. Anyway, I think there are four different personality types and I am the one that is INFP, I think, or the "the healer". Actually, only 3 percent of the population have this personality type, so I'm very rare! At least I have that going for me--I'M VERY RARE! :D
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]I think it's great that you are so self-confident. That's probably why you have no trouble attracting successful men. It's funny that you mentioned that test; I took it too and couldn't believe how much it was like me. I believe it's called the Kiersey something test and a lot of employers use it to do hiring. Anyway, I think there are four different personality types and I am the one that is INFP, I think, or the "the healer". Actually, only 3 percent of the population have this personality type, so I'm very rare! At least I have that going for me--I'M VERY RARE! :D[/QUOTE]

Thanks Greeneyes, for your advice and kind words and also for sharing your experience with that personality test. I will look you up...so far I only know my mom's and my results, and both were right on, so it's an impressive test in my book! I'm glad I'm not the only one out there who found the test surprisingly accurate in describing my unusual and as I recall, also fairly uncommon, personality type (let's hear it for eligible ladies with rare personalities!!). Since I took it, I've been looking into the different possible types more--I think there are actually sixteen distinct combinations, and the test is sometimes called the Kiersey and other times called the Myers-Briggs personality test. There are actually some dating sites I came across that match people up based on those personality types, along with the usual online dating criteria and information. I could definitely get a lot more insight into the prospects that interest me if I knew their type...sounds exciting, I'm going to definitely look into that more! Do you these sites might be a good idea for us, Greeneyes, since we both found our results very accurate?

I ordered a book I saw recommended online about the personality types called PLease Understand Me II, and another book that discusses the best careers for the sixteen different types. I am looking forward to determining if the books oontain any good insight about how I can improve upon some of my weak points and find a relationship and career that are well-suited for my personality. I wonder if your career is one of those suggested for people with your personality type? My mom certainly ended up with an ideal career, and I think I'd be well suited to being a lawyer, professor, or scientist (also the kinds of guys I tend to date), just as my brief online test results suggested. Anyway, there is a lot of info out there about this and other similar personality tests, and since I have always been interested in things like this, I'd absolutely love to hear if anyone else has taken such a test and if so, how accurate and relevant they found various information circulating about their results.

Now that I've come across a revealing test like this, I think I'll read up on which types are the best and worst matches for my type (does anyone know anything about this when it comes to INTJs?). It would be a great screening tool if that held true and I could ask potential dates to take it...I'd be really excited because I've never felt my horoscope was accurate, but now I found something that is! I bet I could get a lot better sense of which guys I would like best if I knew the results of those tests, and then I could whittle down the number of guys I try to keep communicating with at any one time. I really liked that advice about only dating a few guys at one time, so I could be better about responding to messages promptly. But by nature, I also like to have lots of male prospects available and don't like to rule out any good prospects without any reason.

So for the time being, I'll try to gradually cut down the guys I'm keeping in touch with and weed out ones I don't like until I feel confident that I like a potential date enough to meet. It's tough too because you can't always tell by pictures...usually they've been accurate, but a few guys I've met have looked either better or worse, or just different, than their pictures, so I hate to make any judgments based on looks until I meet someone in person. Oh, by the way, I took down the quote you guys suggested I remove, and I agree that my profile is better off without it. I'm still debating on the picture...I don't know if the occasional sleazy responses are inevitable or not, and if I'd be better off showing off my figure or only using headshots. Well, fortunately there is always time for tinkering, and so far things are continuing to go well.
I have another date with a guy I saw and really liked last weekend, and three other dates lined up before next weekend with guys I've been talking to that I'm especially excited to meet. So far I've really enjoyed almost every date, and the few so-so ones were still fun overall. And after being in relationships and splitting expenses for so long, I don't see myself getting tired anytime soon of being taken out and treated to everything!

Lol, I hate to say it, but I definitely like that part of traditional gender stereotypes, along with not having the responsibility for taking the lead in dating. It seems guys have it rough...a lot of the guys I encounter say they've had trouble meeting more than a few girls they were interested in contacting, and many seem under the impression that online dating is definitely a buyer's market for women. What do you guys think? I've seen it go both ways in various situations, so I'm not really sure, but I sure am glad I decided to sign up for online dating ASAP after Patrick decided to take a break. It was the best distraction ever from getting past the breakup, and I don't really know what I would do to meet guys other than the typical bar scene if not for online dating. Seems like it's now starting to really catch on among all sorts of people, so I guess me and my fellow fun, single girl buddies here found ourselves free and unencumbered at just the right time! :) :) You guys are fabulous, and I hope you are having great weekends and breaking hearts all across the country!! :wave:





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