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[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Heartland, I know you will disagree with me on this one, but I think if you open up too fast with a man, especially about your problems and some of your deeper feelings, it scares a lot of men off. They just don't want to play psychologist. They want to have a good time. I agree that you should just be yourself, but I just don't think there's anything wrong with holding back a bit until you know the man better and his feelings toward you. All men are not like you, and if they think that a relationship is moving too fast, it scares them. What could have been a potentially great relationship ended too soon, because the man got scared and bailed.

Stacy's success is because she is herself, but she doesn't center her life around the man she is dating. She enjoys her life as a single person and this is very attractive to any man. Most men, in my opinion, are very turned off by women who seem "needy" and are constantly calling them for reassurance about the man's feelings or constantly emailing them wanting to know when they will see each other again. I think when Sophia sent a friendly, not mushy, email it did not sound desperate enough to turn the NG off. In her case, all turned out well. But, for a lot of other women, when they start to phone men a lot BEFORE they know the man well and his intentions and start emailing them on a daily basis, it just puts too much pressure on the man and he starts to feel trapped.

I'm glad it worked out for Sophia, but I would not have done the same thing. I would have waited for him to contact me first. But that's just my style and so, far it has worked, in my case at least, in attacting men that are truly interested in something long term with me. I think there is a healthy balance between doing the rules on a watered down basis and showing some interest at the same time.

Also, like Sophia said, all women have different personalities and most of them are not as confident as Stacy, at least I know I am not. Although I consider myself optimistic, I do have times when I feel the "blues" and can't put my best self forward. I have insecurities, as most human beings do.

I guess it's best to do whatever feels the most natural for YOU. From reading these boards, it seems like it's different for everyone. So, when I hold back a bit in the beginning of relationship, I am not playing games, I am playing it safe. This is what feels the most natural to me.[/QUOTE]


I generally agree with this, though I think you are selling yourself a bit short here, GE. If a guy is scared of a relationship moving too fast when both people are just doing what they want, and what feels natural, then he's a jerk or not at all ready to be in a healthy, open relationship. Also, I see no reason why a woman like you would be insecure...if I were you, I wouldn't accept that as natural and inevitable. You have so much to be happy about and proud of when it comes to who you are and what you have to offer that you should never settle for a guy who gets freaked out that things are moving too fast. I've never had a boyfriend act or feel that way--they've all been happy to get serious really quickly, and generally ended up treating me nicely and respectfully throughout our relationships. You deserve better than a guy who is "scared" to get committed...there is absolutely no such thing as a "fear of commitment" as long as the guy is single and really likes you. Still, I do think you're right to hold back a little. It's fine to do that if it makes you feel comfortable to remain casual until you know how he feels. Personally, I can't help telling and showing a guy I like how attracted to him I feel, but I also feel most natural holding back a bit until the guy makes it clear that he's very interested in being with me. Anyway, it seems like your approach works well for you. The only thing I would suggest is trying to overcome your insecurities...you could just praise yourself on your good qualities, or you could praise yourself in front of people who like you. For some reason, men seem to find it incredibly sexy when women find themselves desirable and beautiful. The two other ways I know that are guaranteed to make men more interested in women is to become an amazing cook, and to be really great in bed; in fact, you can make a man love you, or at least remember you, forever if you're good enough in bed. It is the only thing I've noticed that inspires them to write love letters, lol, I have thick file folders filled with such notes from exes which I treat as private but prized possessions.

Sophia, I don't agree that I have the ability not to get attached to people. I get just as attached, maybe more attached than most people do to the people I like and care for, but for some reason I've never gotten attached to people who don't treat me really well and are consistent in their loyalty and friendship with me. I never really understood this until I took the Myers-Briggs test and read about my personality type, INTJ. I don't think it's about being open because I don't get attached (also, I don't always sleep with guys so quickly, but I'm not repressed when it comes to expressing my desires), but instead that guys respond really well to women who are confident and secure with themselves. It's almost like they sense that confident, independent women don't need them and therefore they try really hard to win them over and for some reason seem to find them more appealing. I'd say overall, when guys compliment me, it's usually about my attitude as opposed to any specific thing about my looks. From what I gather, the most attractive qualities are to be honest, opinionated, strong-minded, direct, and assertive...the good guys out there are drawn to really smart women who aren't afraid to stand up for themselves and form arguments when necessary. It doesn't hurt to feel really sexy in your skin and project a confidence in yourself...basically to think and even say that you know you're a wonderful catch that most guys would love to be with, and the guy will believe it is true. Confidence really seems to be contagious in that way. So anyway, I really don't think it's about being open per se as much as it's about being confident and having high self-esteem.

Also, Sophia, I don't see a reason why you should tell NG about having a broken engagement...after all, hasn't just about everyone had a serious, married-type (or actual marriage) in their past by the time they are adults? It would be one thing if you had divorced, but an engagement really isn't a big deal by the time you're an independent adult. I wouldn't lie about it or anything if he asks, but I wouldn't make a point of mentioning it, either. Well overall, I definitely agree with you guys that it's not good to open up about private subjects and especially emotional baggage...that said, it's usually a good thing to open up about your feelings and desire for him whenever it feels right. That encourages guys to open up and be clear with you about how much they like you...it's just so much better when both people are on the same page about how each other feels from the beginning, at least in my opinion. ButI agree that it's not good to call or email him first--if you let him do most of the pursuing early on, you can tell if he's really interested in making an effort with you or not. It sounds like NG is, which is great news...I hope things keep going well :). Sophia, I hope you feel good about him making it clear that he really likes you--are you going to see him again soon?

And by the way, you guys were right about J.--I spent last night and today staying at his lovely house. He was so sweet and gracious about me being there, made us a nice dinner, and generally did everything he could to make me happy and comfortable there...he even said I could leave stuff there and left me a key :). Oh and whichever one of you (Goody :wave: I think?) said that when the time was right, we could hide our profiles together was amazingly prescient. We were joking around, showing each other the weirdos we'd met on our dating site, and he said, let's hide our profiles--it will be like the 21st century way of becoming exclusive. I know, he's a nerd, but he's a hot nerd, and I'm a nerd myself, so I like it...anyway, I was teasing him then about asking to go steady and wear a school jacket and ring like in the old days but we did hide our profiles. That's fine with me-I'm glad not to have to worry about how to handle that stuff for the time being, and I don't really want to have to talk to or date other guys now. I like the way things are with J, as I have all along, so I've decided just to see how things go and not worry about it. Thanks for all your nice and supportive comments :).





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