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This is a tough letter to write because just putting it down into words now makes it real and takes it off the shelf in the back of my mind. Iíve been married over 6 years now and Iím not sure Iíve ever been in love with my wife. I care deeply for her and feel a responsibility for her emotional and other needs and I just donít want to hurt her. She is my best friend, but I donít have romantic feelings for her. There just isnít chemistry and I donít think there ever really was any.

Why did I marry her? Thatís a long story, but I will try and just summarize it as much as I can. I had a lot of relationship hang ups in my youth due mainly to a bad breakup when I was young and obsessive religious ideas (which I have long discarded). The result of these two issues was a lot of years being alone. So, when I met my wife, I was lonely and she was sweet and we had fun together and maybe I married her because I thought I just didnít want to be alone anymore.

Flash forward to now. We get along very well and still communicate and do pretty much everything together. The problem is, I am not physically attracted to her Ė though she is a beautiful woman. I canít make myself want her and I know this frustrates her. We have been able to somehow deal with this, with an occasional fight here and there about lack of intimacy. But, we are comfortable together otherwise. My problem compounded however, when I met another young lady who I am attracted to. I have not acted on this, nor do I plan to, but have become friends with this woman. This has caused me distress because I see a contrast in my feelings for my wife and I see attributes in this other girl that I wish my wife had.

I donít know how to put this in a kind way so I will just say it. This other girl has a more sophisticated understanding of life, of philosophy, of music, art, things that I am interested in and donít get from my wife. My IQ is quite a bit higher than my wifeís. I have a connection with this new girl that I have just never had with my wife.

My dilemma over this is large. It would devastate my wife if I left her (as I said, we are best friends and I know her pretty well). Moreover, I donít want to leave her. I am comfortable in this relationship. I donít have to pursue something with this other girl to find ďhappinessĒ in my life. I mention her because she provided the contrast that forced me to ask the harder questions about our relationship. But, I donít want to have sex with my wife. This is unfair to her because she wants it and is unfulfilled. Iím really trapped between feelings of moral obligations and catch 22s here. Iím damned to leave her unfulfilled if nothing changes and Iím damned to hurting her and losing out on the close relationship with my best friend if we try to make changes.

I hope someone here can offer perspective on this situation.





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