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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Depends on how the guy thinks. ;)

Rose, I think all of the posters have given you very good information. Each bases it mostly on their own personal experiences. Since most people date the same type of person over and over until they find the right one, their “experience” is generally limited to type of people they date. I’m very traditional and I can only speak for my point of view. I realize that increasing numbers of young people think more like Snails than me. I suggest that you decide where your guy “falls on the scale” before deciding what to do.

I think all of us want a faithful partner. How can we gauge if someone is likely to be faithful? I doubt if there is an accurate way to judge this so we must resort to rules of thumb. The traditional way is to assume that if your partner can wait a “long period” before having sex with someone they love, then the partner has the will power (or won’t power ;)) to be faithful. Obviously, this method is far from foolproof.

I hope Snails will post how she judges whether her guy will be faithful. In absence of that knowledge, I will mention a method some people use… that if the sex is terrific, the partner will have no reason to be unfaithful. I’d assume this approach is about as effective a predictor as the traditional way.

Rose, the bottom line is that each person has their own way of guessing if a partner will be faithful. Assuming that your new guy is the same type of guy as you usually date (but hopefully a much better match than his predecessors :)), he will probably judge you much like your other guys have. That knowledge should help you to select the advice here that best matches your situation.[/QUOTE]

Hi Rose, thanks for your response to my post. I am really happy and excited for you that everything is going so well, though of course it's always smart to be cautious. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders and think through things carefully...you also know yourself and what you're looking for well, which will definitely serve you well when it comes to romance. I think things sound like they're moving along quite well, and it's not always a bad thing to move fast. I might be saying this because I recently met a guy who is everything I want (similar to your requirements, except I want a guy who likes to party, drink, and isn't close-minded about experimenting with sex, drugs, etc.), but I do think it's true. With my last BF--Patrick, for those of you who remember--we were instantly drawn to each other, and definitely wanted to spend every free moment together. Except for the fact that his crazy, jealous roommate was dating my crazy, jealous roommate and they had crushes on Patrick and I that prompted them to forbid us to date, I would have absolutely loved to sleep with him the very first night I met him. As it was, I managed to wait about two weeks, by which time we were already living together (which we continued doing until we broke up). It definitely wasn't moving too fast--we stayed together for three wonderful years and maintained a very intense, close love throughout that time that only ended when external factors like his family became too much to bear. Anyway, if a guy really likes you, there is no such thing as moving too fast when it comes to sex or anything else. Think about it: if a guy meets a girl he's crazy about, they both want to have sex, and the sex is great, why in the world would he not want to keep seeing her? The only thing I can think of is that he's sexist and has a double standard about women, and in that case, you're better off anyway without a guy who doesn't think women are to be respected as his equals in every way. I would never, ever, waste one minute with a guy who holds me to a different standard than that to which he holds himself and other men.

Heartland, you bring up some excellent points and questions, and as always, I am interested in and have learned a lot from your point of view, especially where we differ as you've mentioned before :). I think the answer to your question depends on two things: the type of guys a woman chooses and her attitude towards sex and relationships. Even though I have cheated several times in the past, I am 99.99% sure I have never had a boyfriend cheat on me. I think this is largely because I am not attracted to guys who would cheat on anyone; I can smell a player a mile away and couldn't be less interested in any guy remotely sleazy in that way. It's not that I don't go for highly sexual men, I just prefer those who are a bit shy and even nerdy, like me, who always treat women well in and out of bed. I've been very fortunate to always be attracted to men who treat me very respectfully and don't lie or hurt me, which is the first (and a very crucial) step in avoiding ending up with a cheater. So before getting too involved, I make sure a guy hasn't cheated in the past and am careful to avoid any guys who are more than mildly interested in porn or strip clubs. I think the most important thing is to stay far away from men who EVER look at other women while in your presence...I doubt there are any cheaters out there who don't ogle women, and we ladies could avoid a lot of heartache if we'd refuse to accept this behavior even once. The truth is, some guys are going to cheat no matter how much they love their women, no matter how sexy and wonderful she is, and no matter how hard she tries to keep him 100% satisfied. If you can screen these guys out at the start, you can drastically improve your chances of being with a man who will remain faithful and committed to you.

The other main way to prevent cheating is, as Heartland wisely said, to give him sex so amazing that he'd never go elsewhere because he knows he wouldn't be nearly as satisfied with another woman. Accordingly, when I'm in a relationship, I make sure to ALWAYS feel sexy within myself (and therefore project sexiness), give him something stimulating to look at whether fully dressed or not, and engage in foreplay and flirting whenever possible in order to keep him constantly aroused and longing for me. I also try to keep sex as exciting, fresh, and varied as I can, for both of our benefits. I think being very open and uninhibited about sex also helps, because I know my lovers have appreciated being able to talk to me, usually with great success, about trying anything that enters their mind. Naturally, this also significantly reduces any inclinations they may have to cheat. So while guys can usually tell right off the bat that I'm a very sexual person and I tend to prove them right quickly, I've never had one guy lose interest because I slept with him too soon. Like I said, any guy who would do that isn't worth having, because wonderful, loving, and faithful men will view women with respect, as their equals, and not be threatened by a woman who loves sex and has no hangups about doing whatever wants whenever it feels right. A man who will treat you like a queen will be scared off by or lose interest or respect for a woman who embraces her sexuality and has no regrets or inhibitions about acting on her urges. So I really don't think there's any such thing as making a mistake by sleeping with a guy too soon...either he'll respect and care for you enough to want to continue being with you, or he's a sexist jerk who won't treat you as his equal anyway, and you're much better off without him. So please don't worry that you made a mistake, because if he's the right guy for you, it's impossible to turn him off or drive him away by being true to yourself and following your heart (or following instincts that stem from another key area :D).

I know not everyone will agree with me on this, and that plenty of people look down on women who don't try to subdue their sexual desires, but this approach has always worked wonderfully for me. Not only have I had lots of great relationships and never been treated poorly by a boyfriend, but I've never had a problem finding interested guys as soon as I become single. It sounds like you have a similar kind of charisma, Rose, and that this guy has fallen for you hard. I'm so happy that you found someone you like so much who reciprocates your feelings, and I really hope everything works out. As long as you are true to yourself, trust your instincts, and follow your heart without worrying what other people think or do, you really can't go wrong with love, and everything will work out exactly like it is meant to. :) Good luck and take care!!





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