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Re: ??
Jun 6, 2005
[QUOTE=nothisprincess]okay i might regret asking this question

but i have been seperated from my husband for 4 months now(it feels like 4 years) and i am starting to feel like i would like to try to have another relationship. so far there hasn't been anybody i would seriously consider. two days ago, a coworker mentioned a son of another coworker who mentioned that he has had bad luck(thats how she expressed it) with these girls he dates. he is 2 years my senior, and she claims he is good looking(but she isnt in my age bracket so i dont know what she considers good looking(yikes) also i dont know that i like the mother all that much(she one ups me at work all the time) i HAVE learned a lesson from the past, about bad in-laws and meddling mothers, not that mine are perfect, and i don't want to rush into anything, but, the other night they kept asking me to come with them to have drinks and i'm assuming he was going to be there and i chickened out and didnt go. i didnt know about how comfortable i was with the whole thing.

is there something wrong with me thinking so soon about having at best a friendship with another man, or even liking another man at this point. i only ask this question because it has been such a short time since me and my husband seperated and i don't know if i am ready to handle any emotional intimacy with somebody else(even though i would like to), or if i even could stomach it, like ever again. i will admit i am missing the comfort of a relationship(there was comfort in the begginning) and i had never experienced one before, but i learned i like them(relationships) i am not ugly or weird. i am just a christian that wanted to marry one man and never loose him.

it's unlike me, but i even joined a dating site a while back. i guess i did this to get him off my mind. it still really hurts me. i just dont want to spend too much of my life crying. i would rather laugh and be young[/QUOTE]

First, I would stop and give yourself the significant credit that you deserve for forging ahead despite the painful, traumatic relationship and breakup you recently survived. You are clearly a strong, resiliant fighter, and I have no doubt that you will find love again that enriches your life in a way you may have never even imagined possible. Congratulations on being so tough and finding the resolve to put the past behind you and focus on enjoying what your future has to offer. I think you have already achieved the most difficult and challenging step in moving on by resolving that you want to be happy and enjoy life, not let the past hold you back any further. At this point, the hardest part is over, and now I would suggest focusing on eliminating any lingering feelings of guilt. While your religious values prize preserving marriage, your husband's actions nullifed any loyalty to him once you officially split up. He did not treat you with the care and love you deserved as his cherished wife, and so you do not owe him any further consideration when it comes to your love life. He is part of your past--please don't let his memory negatively influence your future now that you have come so far. You are a single, independent woman with the right to date anyone you please and there is absolutely nothing bad or wrong with you wanting to connect with a man again. If you feel that you aren't ready to date, that's one thing, but please don't let guilt or any other negative emotions hold you back. And if you aren't ready for another serious relationship just yet, why not date casual and hold off on getting too involved for the time being? Being single and independent is fun and empowering, something to be enjoyed, not wished away in search of one relationship right after another.

I can completely understand the loneliness and longing to have the comfort and stability of a relationship again, but I think you'd be doing yourself a disservice by rushing into another relationship or approaching dating with the sole aim of finding a boyfriend. You will probably need more time on your own before you really feel that you are sufficiently ready to try again, and to get involved with a new relationship before you are free of emotional attachment to your ex isn't fair or healthy for you or the new man. My advice would be to proceed cautiously and slowly with dating, but without letting guilt or loneliness get in the way of having fun, coming to terms with the breakup, and re-establishing your identity and self-image as an independent single woman. You will know when you feel free of the past enough where you're ready for a new relationship, but in my view, dating in the meantime is not only not wrong, but can be very beneficial in keeping you busy, having fun, enjoying socializing again, and rediscovering your desirability and confidence as an individual.

I hope it goes well and wish you the best of luck...feel free to share your experiences, concerns, or questions with your fellow single, female online daters on whatever online dating thread is going at the moment :). And as for the son of a coworker, I would advise you to steer clear, especially when you're fresh out of such an exhausting and draining relationship. If you can avoid a man whose mother will only cause problems right off the bat, you'll save yourself a potentially significant amount of time you could have wasted pursuing someone whose family will in all likelihood ultimately sabotage your relationship. Also, it's usually best to avoid getting involved with anyone you work with (along with people who are close to your coworkers), especially when you are just starting dating again. I'd pass up this guy, as there are millions of other eligible men out there who don't come with his built-in problems and obstacles. Good luck and take care...and most of all, have fun!

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