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Relationship Health Message Board


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I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the posters who suggested you may want to hold off on marrying your BF for the time being. I recently went through a breakup with a wonderful man who I adored...we had lived together ever since we met and had a great relationship. The only big problems were external: my chronic pain condition definitely took a toll on our relationship, but the main problem was his family. I absolutely could not stand most of them...I just thought they were hateful, despicable people and terrible, terrible parents/relatives to my ex. I found being around them so stressful and excrutiating that it caused serious problems between me and my ex, and ultimately ended our relationship. What I finally learned the hard way is that family is forever while relationships are temporary and disposable. It would be nice if people had the courage and strength to choose someone who loves them unconditionally over a family who treats them horribly, but few people will ever cut ties to their family in favor of someone they aren't related to. I wanted so badly to believe that since my ex was so loving, wonderful, and kind (completely unlike his relatives), our love would overcome any and all obstacles they placed in our path. But unfortunately, when it came down to having to choose between me and his family, my ex was unable to leave his family, even though they had stunted him and sabotaged him in many ways over the course of his life. And none of this had anything to do with financial issues...I really think your BF is going to have a difficult time ever getting tough with his parents and putting an end to their shameful, despicable behavior.

Do you really want to be legally tied to a man whose parents will likely continue to increase his debt and ruin his credit rating? When you are married, all of his debt becomes yours, and if he ever runs off or defaults on his debt, you are legally required to pay it. If I was you, I would hold off on marriage for awhile yet and see how things go...if this seems to be an isolated rough patch and his parents are able to get back on track without stealing from their children, it might be okay to go ahead with the wedding. But otherwise, as much as you love him, I would strongly caution yourself against getting legally tied to all his family's problems. I know many people tend to worship marriage, often blindly, but in truth, it is absolutely not essential for a loving, permanent partnership. My dad and "stepmom" have been together for a very happy 20+ years and never married, as is the case with several of my friends' parents. Marriage is okay if you are religous and want kids, but it is not everything, and too many people let their desperation for a wedding and a ring cloud their judgment about whether or not they have really found the right person to whom they should join their lives and futures. I hate to say this, but in the end, if it comes down to it, your BF will probably choose his family over you, and if you are unmarried, this will be painful enough. However, if you marry him before all his financial issues with his parents are completely resolved (which seems unlikely considering their long history of such abhorrent behavior), then you will not only be left alone, but you'll also be responsible for all of his and his family's debt. When you are married, you marry into a family--can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life as part of a family of deadbeat, lying, stealing, using, manipulative addicts? I feel so badly for your BF to have parents who would ever consider ruining his future just to satisfy their lazy, greedy urges, but I have a hard time envisioning him ever being able to shake completely free of their influence. I never really believed that family could get in the way of an amazing relationship that was meant to be until it happened to me, and believe me, compared to your BF's family, my ex's were all wonderful saints. I wish you all the best, and am so sorry that your BF happens to be related to such shameless and selfish people. Still, I would be very, very careful and wary about marrying into such a family, because no matter how much you and your BF love each other, blood is almost always thicker than water, and I would hate to see your marriage fail as a result of his family's awful influence.





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