It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Hi Piranna,

Wow, you have gotten some very wise advice here recently...Blueeyes and Goody definitely know what they're talking about, and I think the best advice always comes from people who have been through the same thing. I understand what you're saying about the problems with his family being worse because he's living there, and I hope you are able to put physical distance between him and his parents ASAP. That should help, but unfortunately, family always plays a role in each other's lives; it's unavoidable. I think Goody hit upon a really important point: your fiance can't choose his family or change how they are, but he can decide whether or not he is going to make them his main priority forever, or if he will start acting in the best interests of his new family with you once you get married. I know it's not smart to expect things to magically change or improve after marriage...I mean that you really need to find out where he stands if and when it comes down to having to choose between you and his family. I realize you aren't going to make him do that in the sense of cutting off all contact with them, but there are going to be issues and conflicts that arise in which he will have to decide who is his main priority.

Unfortunately, many men never learn to cut the cord, especially from their moms, and the other women in their life are always their second (at best) priority after family and mom. That is what killed my last relationship...I just absolutely hated the way many of my ex's family members were clearly resentful of our happiness and insulated little life that didn't include anyone else. They were evil and manipulative in putting their own interests before my ex's and being willing to sabotage his chance at happiness and independence in order to maintain complete control over everything he does. But despite their frequent manipulative efforts to cause problems between us, my ex refused to ever take my side; at best he would remain neutral. It became clear, much as I hated to see it, that no woman would ever come between him and his family, and since his family firmly opposes anyone who would take him out of their home and present competition for total control over his life, I really doubt he's going to have much success when it comes to relationships. It was so weird how my family was so enthusiastic and supportive of our relationship--maybe because I've had other long-term relationships--but my ex's family was lukewarm toward me at best. He had never had a serious girlfriend who they met, and it was obvious from the start that they viewed me as a threat and as competition because he lived with me and was closer to me than them, and they just were unwilling to allow someone else to come first in his life. They eventually succeeded in tearing us apart because my ex was unwilling to take a stand in favor of our relationship.

So in my view, Piranna, a lot depends on whether or not your fiance is willing to put you first and firmly resolve to not allow his family drama to infringe upon your relationship with him. Some men with difficult families are strong and loving enough to do this, like Tom :), but many others feel like they need to be primarily loyal to their family, above all else. It troubles me a little that during your discussion about his mom's health, he told you that she would always come first. That is not a good sign when the mother is as selfish, conniving, and toxic as his mom is, but hopefully that wasn't meant as an indication of where his loyalties ultimately lie. I do know that you will have a very difficult time maintaining a relationship with your fiance if he isn't willing to take a stand and make it clear to his family that you are his first priority, and so I hope you can get an idea of how he feels about putting your relationship ahead of all his other relationships. If he can't or won't do that, I'd be seriously concerned that his family will eventually destroy your respect for him and end your relationship. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but it is important to know where you stand before you make any decisions about marriage. I know how hard it is to love someone and have external influences causing such a strain on your relationship, but it is possible to survive these obstacles if you are both committed to making your relationship work no matter what. I really hope your fiance is this way, and that everything works out great for you two, but I also think you'd be smart to be cautious about being legally tied to any lazy, selfish criminals who bleed other people dry without a second thought.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:55 AM.

© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!