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Relationship Health Message Board


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I could definitely be wrong here, but my instincts are saying that you should stick firmly to your original decision to cut off all contact. I know this isn't what you want to do, but it was really your only choice considering this guy's unwillingness to be in a relationship with you. Your feelings are obviously very strong, and I highly doubt you will be happy with anything less than a loving, committed relationship with him. However, he's made it clear over and over that he isn't interested in anything more than a friendly, physical type relationship with you. I hate to be blunt, but that's nonsense, in my view. Lots of guys will say they aren't ready for a committed or serious relationship to certain girls when what they really mean is they don't want to get serious with that particular girl. Many times those same guys will change their tune incredibly fast as soon as they meet a girl who blows them away and who they consider as a possible permanent partner.

Anyway, this guy has had many chances to show you that he cares enough to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve from someone you love. If he wanted to be involved with you in anything more serious than a friends with benefits situation, he would have said so when you told him how you felt and why you couldn't continue seeing him casually. But instead, he seemed to at least tacitly agree that you guys wanted different things and were better off apart if you couldn't be happy with the scraps he was willing to give you. He probably would have left it at that and moved on to find another girl to mess around with (though I'm sure he would have been happy to come running if you called and offered some no-strings attached sex) if you hadn't called him several times after you made your decision to end things with him. When you make a decision like that where your rational thoughts override your emotions, it's incredibly difficult to be firm and not waver in your choice. It's understandable why you caved in and called him, but be sure to assess his motives objectively, rather than filtered through your emotions and what you hope is there. He probably thought, hey great, she called, that means she's not going to cut me off after all! So of course he was nice and friendly, because he was hoping that you'd allow him to continue sleeping with you without demanding any commitment. You didn't give him any reason to think that you were going to stick to your decision to end things, so he has no reason to act any differently than before. He also has no motivation to want to get more serious with you now that you've demonstrated to him that your desire for him overrides your desire for a committed, loyal boyfriend.

While I have really enjoyed some purely physical relationships in the past and had no trouble avoiding any emotional attachment, I haven't met very many women who have the same attitude and approach toward sex. You are clearly unhappy, when it really comes down to it, to be having sex with a man who demonstrates no love or commitment for you in return. You need to put yourself first here and do what is best for your well-being and self-esteem. Continuing to let this guy come and go from your life (and your bed) as he pleases will only make you feel more and more weak and miserable for settling for less than you want and deserve from a partner. So many people waste some of the best years of their lives involved in relationships which don't satisfy them, because they hope that somehow, if they just try hard enough or wait long enough, things will magically change and they will finally attain the kind of relationship they've wanted all along. But in reality, those people refuse to see the clear signs that these dreams will never come true, and even ignore statements their partner makes confirming this fact, because they prefer to focus on any indications that bolster their hopes.

Please don't live on hope alone for one more minute...this guy has told you over and over that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. There's really nothing confusing or difficult to interpret here...he has been 100% honest and clear with you about his intentions and desires. If he was going to change his mind, he would have let you know already, particularly when you told him you wouldn't be able to continue seeing him without a commitment. If he was going to develop feelings for you or want to start a relationship, that was the time to tell you, but instead, he let you walk away and agreed that he wouldn't be able to provide what you wanted from a lover. He would have respected your wishes to move on and find someone who was willing to give you what you wanted from a relationship, but then you called him and renewed his hopes that you would be once again amenable to a purely physical relationship with him.

I hate to be so blunt, but he has made his feelings totally clear, and the longer you continue to hope that he will somehow completely change in this regard, the longer you will be stuck feeling unfulfilled and disappointed in a one-sided relationship with someone who has told you repeatedly he doesn't want to commit to you. Why put yourself through such a painful ordeal, when you have the option to cut all ties with him now and move on? If you'll never be happy being with him unless he wants to be your boyfriend, then you'll never be happy with him, and staying with him any longer will only prevent you from getting on with your life and possibly meeting the man who will give you all the love and commitment you ever dreamed of, plus more. You can't change other people, and we'd all be a lot happier and more fulfilled if we stopped trying to do so...the only thing you can control is how you react to his choices, and I think your original reaction (to cut things off) was definitely best for you in the long run. Please have the confidence and self-respect not to settle for anything less than what you want...caving into your emotions and going back again and again to a man who is firmly opposed to giving you what you want will take a terrible toll on you in the long run and could hinder your chances to find lasting love in more ways than one.





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