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Please help guys!
Jun 9, 2005
Hi everyone,

I had another really nice date with J tonight, but I'm worried now that I might have made a mess of things. I'm not very interested or very good about talking about my feelings, so when we got into a conversation about our past dating experiences and online dating, I don't think I handled it well at all. Now I feel really weird and don't know exactly what to think...he didn't seem to think anything was wrong, but I still feel like I screwed up. First of all, I was probably a bit too open in talking about the number of past relationships I have had and how quickly I've jumped from one relationship to the next (sometimes with overlap, and going by the sheer number of guys I've dated, the amount of sexual experience I've had is probably intimidating to all but the most confident and experienced men). If J feels threatened by that, then I don't want to be with him anyway, but still, I feel like I said too much and didn't do a very good job of explaining myself clearly. Usually I would just tell myself, ok, well at least you were honest, and if he doesn't like you anymore because of who you are, then you're much better off without him.

But I didn't stop there...I then told him I noticed his profile was up and asked if he was seeing (or looking to meet) any other women online through the site we met on. He said no and explained that he was no longer a paying member; in fact, he had only signed up for a free trial in order to meet me one day when he was searching for matches on his friend's account. Then I felt like I had been nosy and inappropriate by checking out his profile and asking him about it...that's just not me at all. Usually I am so far from being at all jealous or clingy that I err on the side of sometimes being too independent, but I felt like it came across that I was pressing him for some kind of commitment. He did say he wasn't interested in any other girls and was blown away by me, which made me feel better, but I still felt like I ended up coming across as fishing for reassurance. Worse, then J. asked me if I was still talking to and/or dating anyone online, and I stumbled and babbled and didn't really come up with a coherent, firm answer. I said that while I was still chatting with some guys I had met, I wasn't nearly as interested in dating a lot of different guys as I had been before I started seeing him. But when he asked how many guys I'd dated since we started seeing each other two weeks ago, I was honest and said two, which he didn't seem all that happy to hear. It doesn't sound as bad now that I type it all out, but at the time I felt really awkward and stupid--it just wasn't the kind of conversation I wanted to have nor the type of subject I am comfortable and skilled at discussing. That put me in a shy, moody state of mind, and I think J. thought it was because I didn't get the kind of answers I wanted from him or something. I tried to explain that I was just frustrated that I wasn't able to express myself clearly and say what I wanted to say, but I didn't do such a great job getting that point across either. He kept trying to cheer me up which only made me feel like an even bigger, stupider jerk, but finally I ended that conversation by saying I don't want to be nosy or tell him what to do, and that we should both do whatever we want.

Other than that conversation, the rest of the date went really well: he took me to an art museum, then we cooked dinner together and watched a movie. As usual, we had a great time, great conversation, and there was lots of great chemistry and affection between us. As it got to be time for him to leave, he asked me if I wanted to hang out tomorrow, then like an idiot I said that I had already kind of committed myself to another date, but that I wasn't all that enthusiastic about going and was considering cancelling. He told me to let him know one way or another tomorrow, and that we could hang out Saturday if I wanted to join him and his friends who were in from out of town. By this time I wanted to kick myself--I felt like I had pretty much ruined the evening and possibly also his opinion of me, and that I hadn't been able to express anything I wanted to say. Instead, everything just seemed to come out totally wrong and I ended up feeling really stupid. Finally, at the end of the night, I finally had the sense to tell him I would much rather see him tomorrow than some stranger (which I had been trying, but failing, to express all along), and he was really happy to hear that. He smiled huge, said, "finally, that's the answer I've been hoping for!", and gave me a long, amazing kiss out by my car. So that obviously cheered me up a little, but I'm still not sure how much damage I did rambling on and saying things I didn't mean to say. I really like him SO much, and I'd be angry at myself if I did anything to screw that up.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I should handle this from now on? Since I already kept blabbering on much longer than I should, which didn't help matters any tonight, I'm kind of thinking that I should just drop the subject and not say anything more. I seem to only dig myself a deeper and deeper grave when I try to dig my way out of such situations...but on the other hand, I want J. to know that I really like him, and that all the other guys I've met or talked to online pale in comparison to him. I'm not quite ready to give up completely on dating other guys, though J. has consistently demonstrated his interest in dating me seriously. I'm just really confused about how we left things, how everything I said came across to J, and what I should do tomorrow and from now on. Should I just let this topic go until (hopefully) we get closer and decide to make it official that we are dating each other exclusively? I'm afraid it seemed like I was trying to make him jealous, trying to pry into his private life, and/or trying to fish for compliments or a more concrete committment from him, NONE of which is remotely true. Sorry for rambling yet again, guys, I just am feeling really confused and needed to vent...I really hope I'm blowing this out of proportion and J. thinks it's no big deal. He certainly was cool and sweet to me, as always, and didn't indicate that he was bothered or turned off by what I said, but I still feel like I was acting really strange and confusing. Please help me if you have any advice or suggestions at all...thanks!





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