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Kay33, There were a couple questions that you have posed that I feel that I also need to address. The first is, am I angry, and do I feel betrayed, the answer to both of these questions is yes I was. I removed my wedding ring and give it her and told, that I didnít want it back until she could make up her mind, she left the house and went and stayed the night at her daughters. In my fit of rage I called the other mans wife and told her about the affair, I figured that if we were going to play this type of game than all players needed to be involved, at that point I did not want to see my wife again, Ididnít think that I could ever look at her again. I had put my wife so high on a pedestal that I didnít think that she could do anything wrong , I felt as if she was the most perfect person and would never be able to do anything like this, I never entertained the thought that she would cheat on me. Other women and men may cheat and I believed that the possibility of me cheating was greater than the thought of my wife cheating; I did not think it possible.

So yes, I felt betrayed and it hurt me to the core of my soul, I could not have imagined in my wildest dreamed how bad this would hurt. The death of my father never hurt me as bad as this. However, I also know that emotions can take over and impede intelligent thought. I believe that a person has to get control of ones emotions not let them control you. Therefore, I got those under control and set out to find out the reasons behind my wives infidelity, there had to be reasons for it. Had she purely fallen out of love with me (it happens) was it something that I had been doing to push her away. None of those reasons excuses her actions but I felt that I needed to know the reasons behind it.

In case you have not figured out by now, I am an engineer, I have spent my life having people bringing me there problems and than working on finding, a way to fix what is broken, I have a very analytical type mind. For example, I have used a basic formula to try and analysis the situation, what is the quick fix? For me it was getting her to stay, what is the root cause? Once we figure that out then we can move on to the corrective action. That is seeing that both partyís get out of the relationship what they need, either by staying together or going our separate ways.

Thanks again for allowing me to vent, just talking about it with you all has been a great comfort.
Hello Tenagain, Goody an all others following this thread

Sorry it has been so long since I last posted, but I have not had the time to set down and get my thoughts together.

Tenagain, as I reread my last post it does seem like I am justifying Viclyn having an affair. I think that I was feeling a little down that day. Itís a hard pill to swallow when someone tells you they are not physically attracted to you any longer. But what I believe is that the vows of marriage should be taken seriously and they say nothing about weight gain. They say nothing about growing older or did I hear anything at all in the vows that say that it is ok to cheat on your spouse. IMOI there is no justification for an affair. If a person is unhappy in a marriage, first let the spouse know, if the person that is unhappy does not think things can get better, get out. But donít destroy the other person with an affair.
But at the same time I can see how easy it is to fall into that trap. Iím going to divulge information that happened to me ten years ago that Viclyn was never aware of. I was working at this company twelve hours a day seven days a week; there was this woman that I was kind of growing close to we would talk all day and set and talk at lunch and break time, our machines were side by side. Her husband had been in a serious auto accident and was disabled in a nursing home, she had been without a man for about six years and she was ripe for the picking. As time went on I noticed that our conversations were getting more personal and more sexual. I could feel the tension, I looked forward to seeing her at work and when she was gone I missed her. I never had any contact with her out side work, but she would ask me to stop by her house and see how she was remodeling it, or to just come by and have a beer, she told me your wife donít have to know. That must be a standard line for cheaters.
One night I was lying in bed next to Viclyn and just watching her sleep and I had an epiphany, I knew what had to be done Viclyn was the woman that I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with not this other woman. I had seen first hand the pain that affairs and divorces bring thru the eyes of my stepchildren, and there was no way in hell I was going to bring that kind of pain and torment into there lives again, they had all been thru enough. I wanted to give them a stable family and a father they could count on to be there and protect them as much as I could from the hardships of life.
So the next day I went into work and asked to be transferred to the night shift, I had a lot of seniority and could work any shift that I wanted. I was lucky I was able to fight off the temptation but a lot of people allow there emotions to run there life. I knew what I was feeling wasnít love but plain old lust. I went to the nightshift and never looked back.
I am a very emotional person, I cry at sad movies and sad stories on the news, but I do not allow my life to be controlled by them. I put them aside and look at the big picture, which is why I did not just kick Viclyn to the curb. I wanted to understand why she did what she did. I have to understand the reasons behind things before I act.

Things with Viclyn are getting better we are talking more and spending a lot of time together, all of our free time of late has been spent together, she did go on vaction with her daughter and son inlaw but we have been talking on the phone a least three times a day, and before she left she asked for us to put back on our wedding rings. I know that there is still a lot of work to be done before we are back to the type of relationship that we both want but we are both working on it.


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