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Relationship Health Message Board


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Please don't sell your house no matter what you do...the baby's father has not demonstrated anywhere near the stable commitment necessary for you to be able to depend on him financially. I don't mean to be critical, but I think jcrazy still has a lot to prove. First of all, he seems to understand perfectly clearly that objectively, there is nothing at all going on between you and your ex. Since you rarely see him and only talk to him occasionally, he needs to get over that and stop making it a big deal or an obstacle to you guys getting more serious. In my opinion, most guys that make a big deal over a girl's ex are either really jealous and controlling (these guys tend to become abusive eventually) or are looking for an excuse to avoid a concrete commitment to heir girlfriends. In this situation, it sounds like the latter option is probably the case, though I wouldn't rule out the first possibility if he is unable to get his jealousy and paranoia regarding your ex under control. I don't really think it's acceptable for a guy to keep going back and forth and be unable to make up his mind whether he wants to be with you or not, especially when there is a child involved, though I understand that having a child definitely complicates matters quite a bit, particularly when he wasn't ready to have a baby. For the child's sake, I hope that no matter what, you two are able to remain friendly or at least civil to each other so that she is able to benefit from close relationships with both of her parents whether or not they are together romantically. Jcrazy, I do understand where you are coming from in not being ready for a child, but I really think it's time for you to make up your mind about where you stand in this relationship. If not for your GF's sake, then for your baby: it's just not fair to either of them to have someone so important to their lives being unable to make up his mind and consistently be involved with them. Popping in and out of their lives isn't mature or responsible, and both your GF and daughter deserve better treatment in the form of a commitment from you one way or another. If you were my husband, I would want you to either be with me 100% (no changing your mind/running away then coming back pleading for another chance) or agree on a custody arrangment regarding your daughter.

For the record, while everyone thinks divorce/unmarried parents are a bad thing for kids, some of the happiest long-term (20+ years) relationships I know are between unmarried people, regardless of whether they share kids, each have their own kids, or don't have any kids. For what it's worth, my parents divorced when I was about one, and I am very thankful that they made this choice and I didn't have to witness the constant fighting, tension, and uncertainty that characterized their relationships. People always talk about staying together for the kids, but I think that as much as my parents loved each other, after 5 years of marriage and having me, they realized that they would never be able to get along and live harmoniously under the same roof and therefore decided to divorce for my sake. My dad always lived closeby and saw me twice a week as their custody agreement stated...there is absolutely nothing wrong with a child having unmarried parents as long as both parents are actively involved and caring about the child's life. Despite what "family values" zealots claim, it's better for a child to have parents who are happy and fulfilled in their lives who live separately than parents who stay together "for the kids" and are both miserable and constantly tense and angry. I don't think your decision as far as staying together should be based on your daughter, though her presence should certainly motivate you both to make sure you make the right decision. If you are only going to break up and make up as usual, repeatedly, that kind of continual arguing, instability, and uncertainty, will have a negative influence on both of you, along with your daughter. If on the other hand, you really love each other and are prepared to give your relationship a real chance to thrive, then I support you 100% and wish you all the best of luck. It's really up to you, but now that you have a very special, innocent, and helpless person, I hope you make sure that the choices you make are ultimately in her best interest, whatever they turn out to be :).





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