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Re: Breakup day
Jun 18, 2005
[QUOTE=twozerothree]ahhh, i just need to talk to someone, could use a little cheerin up.

broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half, closest girl i've ever been to, could talk to about anything and really thought there was something there. im 20, shes 19. we're both in college, and you may remember my post about her going to india for a month, and it being hard to deal. She got home a few days ago, and several times she said how she felt that I wasn't the 'one' anymore, and it just made me feel really hurt that she felt that way, etc. Finally I had enough, and said I cant do this anymore. We're very independent people going in different directions, I into business and the stable lifestyle while she wnats to study abroad and live/work abroad for the begining of her life. I just feel really crappy now because having no one is worse at the moment, and even though its been about 12 hours, I feel like I made the wrong decision. I guess I dont nkow how to get past the bad feelings I am having, and just feel so scared of being alone.

any advice/help is greatly appreciated.[/QUOTE]

Hi there,

I know it's hard to think rationally when you're going through such a painful experience, but I agree with Christa that ultimately this was for the best. While people fall deeply in love at your age and younger, such couples rarely end up together. They still have so much growing and changing to do before they're truly mature and ready to settle down, and in most cases, they grow in separate directions. Sometimes love just isn't enough to sustain a lifelong committed relationship, and if you weren't going to end up with her anyway, at least you know that now and don't spend any more time getting even more attached to her before breaking up later on. Also, now you can devote the month she is away to moving on rather than missing her desperately, just to break up soon after she gets back. Since you are moving in different directions and both so young, your relationship didn't have much of a chance to survive in the long term anyway, and at least now you know that it's over and can begin getting on with your life. I don't mean to sound cold, but once a relationship is going downhill, it doesn't help to prolong the decline and put off the inevitable breakup...that just makes it all the more painful for both partners, in my experience.

At 20, you still have a lot of other women and numerous relationships to try out before you'll be sure what you're looking for enough to consider settling down for good. There are so many other girls out there who can make you happy, so please remember that you have a lot to look forward to. I recently broke up with the man I really expected to spend my life with after living together for three years, and initially I couldn't do anything but cry, but I ended up being tougher and stronger than I thought. I'd always wanted to try online dating (but was usually in a committed relationship), so I signed up for a dating site right after the breakup, just to distract me and boost my confidence at first, but soon I actually started to enjoy meeting new guys and learning more about what I need from a partner. Three months later, I've had a great time dating and have recently met a wonderful man who wanted us to date far it's going great, and he has many qualities which I wouldn't have been happy settling without if I'd stayed with my ex. You too will find the will to get through this and get on with your's not necessarily going to be easy, but my advice is to be as active and busy as possible. Fake it until you make it, as a very cool lady says...meaning force yourself to go out even if it's the last thing you want to do. It's so much better for you to go out and interact with people as opposed to sitting around missing your ex and prolonging your misery. I know being sociable is probably not what you want to do right now, but the more you sit around and feel sad, the more you will dwell on the past. So if you have to, force yourself to go out with friends and spend time with family and hopefully it won't take too long before you start actually enjoying yourself again. I found that it also really helped to focus on all the positive things about being single and free from my last relationship--if I did feel like I had to think about my ex, I'd make sure to think about all the stuff I was happy to no longer have to deal with and the bad times, rather than mooning over a romanticized mushy version of our romance. Even though we did have a great relationship and it hurts to lose him, because I forced myself to start dating again soon after the breakup, I'm already feeling completely over my ex and recently met an amazing sweet new guy. Anyway, it's normal to feel like you'll never stop being sad after a breakup, but everyone does manage in time to move on if they work at it. The more effort you put into staying upbeat and focused on the future, and the more you have fun and socialize with other people, the sooner and more thoroughly you will recover from this sad turn of events. I'm sorry you have to go through such a painful experience, but I hope you start feeling better quickly and soon start meeting nice, beautiful college girls who distract you completely from lingering thoughts of your ex ;).

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