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Hi,
I am completely confused about how I feel at the moment.
I am in a relationship for some years now and had the view that it was quite a healthy place for me, as in independent place with no codependence of any sort. Always thought that it would be always be OK one way or the other.
Have been with my partner for some years now and I should say its fairly complicated as in I amd going thru a divorce and its a pretty adversarial/scary experience to say the least. I also heve 2 children from my marriage. So there are pressures on my relationship regarding these issue. Thats all fairly 'normal' so far.
Recently my partners cousin died tragically off his motorbike. A truly beautiful guy, who I really liked and cared for. My partner was/is extremely close to her cousins and it has hit her hard. I want to be supportive and have tried as much as I can. I also have to look after my children , and they are always my priority. The funeral was like hundreds of miles away and I went to it and brought a number of my partners friends along also.
My partner was very tarumatised from the death and was very distant from me during this time. I could see where she was coming from and she despite her grief was tryimng desperately to support her brother and other cousins. To the point were she did not speak to me for 2 days. I considered this and said to myself that it was the grief and stuff....but I did feel isolated as every other eprsons partner was 'allowed' to give support to their wifes ,husbands girlfiriends etc etc. Any way I put this all down to exceptional circumstances.
The guy who was killed lived in a house with a number of other lads 1 of whom he looked after like a younger brother. This younger lad is a little vulnerable most of the time and at the funeral he felt it really bad. My girlfriend spent a lot of time with him as a result anD again this is all ok with me. Its just normal and I dont like to think I would be in any way threatened by it. I dont believe ours would be a healthy relationship if it was any other way.Some time went by and my partner spent most of her spare time in the home of her aunt giving a s much support as she could. So weekend after weekend went past without me seeing her. This gave me time to look after my own stuff and I had an opportunity to spend more more time with my daughter who is currently doing her leaving certificate examinations, a very important time for her. Then a month went past and a special mass was to occur in the home of the deceased. I was not asked as I had my own kids stuff that weeken. What i dident understand was the fact my partner used fake tan on herself before attending the mass. Now this is not tsoemthing that bothered me, rather it was just out of context.
The guys in the deceased house were traveling from the south to the north (where the deceased comes from and family live) for the mass. The more I thought about it the more it simply did not fit....and also the more I did not like where my mind was going with this. I resolved to put it out of my mind and forget about it. I tried to continue to support my girlfriend and we got very close and she also said she really appreciated my support and care. The thing is I was gettin closer than I had ever got before and I was uncomfortable with this. I dont like to be so close and undermine the independence we have achieved in our relationship. I know it sounds contradictory but its just the best way for us...to be truly friends we need to be independent and from this friendship comes our genuine affectionate love for each other. This is also a learning experience for me having come from a marriage of 16 years which was so extreme , it was dangerous.
Next there was special mass in the south where the guys who shared with the deceased live. My partner went along and I was not going to go. But heres the thing. I was not asked to go. I did not think this unusual except when i asked why I was not included I got so much crap about not having been at the monthly commeration in the north etc etc. Now this confused me. I support my partner. I have a family of my own and with it responsibility. I dont have any responsibility to any other afmily....any support i give I give freely and along the lines of what i consider appropriate to the my relationship with the preson(s) concerned. I am not a cold person rather quite affectionate and people seek me out for honesty and maturity. I did not like that I was being so excluded from it all. Then anotehr strange thinh occurred. My partnet got her bikin line done before traveling to the south. Again I would not notice this except it was out of context! Like wearing a bikini to a christening or communion celebration. It just did not fit and I was again confused. Slowly over a couple of days my gut instinct told me something was not right. It just did not fit. My partner who I respect as much as I care for her was behaving somewhat strangely. I pondered asking what was going on but thought this would not be approiate given her grief (Only 6weeks atfter hetr cousins death). I felt confused and also hurt. My relationship was in trouble I felt and did niot know what to do so i did nothing.
Well, I disengaged as In i feel 'too much sacrifice sours the soul'. I stopped getting close to her and remained aloof. Whole weekends would go by without contact while she would be away with her family, cousins and aunts.
At this stage I am considering just gettin away from the whole thing.
Its bringing up a lot of bad and unhealthy feelings for me and I am stressed out by the thought of my partner not 'caring' for our relationship and still expecting me to acceot that she is away so often with the guys that the deceased lived with. It ahs come to a head now and I really think I need out...which would be terrible. I know my partner may need me .....but I also must look after my own emotional and mental well being to be able to parent my children and get thru the day without cracking up.
I dont trust myself to discuss openly and honestly with my partner the concerns I have. I have tried asking about the bikini line thing ans she asked 'what type of person have I become'? I resent my feelings being rubbished like that. I resent being made to feel like a codependent moonstruck teenager. I have been given no answers to any of my concerns. I have been let down very badly I feel and I also think I have overestimated my partner. I believe that my indepent attitude to this relationship has in some way allowed me to be 'compartmentalised' in some way. I have been put back intio my box now and will be taken out again when she needs support. Fake tans and bikini line just dont mix with grief and I canniot get this simple fact out of my mind. I do not have any power or influence over people. I can only hope that people will engage openly and honestly with me.
If that is not to be the case I have choices of my own. I do not have to accept behaviour that I dont like or is underming my self respect,dignity and esteem.Of my biggest fears , being manipulated is the biggest.
Because I cannot resolve this with her I dont believe it can be resolved at all. Its not somethibng I am prepared to take on indefinetely. I may be wrong and making a big thing out of nothing...but I dont get any help on it from my partner with it. I know she is grieving as she loved her cousin deeply and I also do not want to be the cause of further emotional turmoil for her, but I also have my own needs (not wants). I dont think I can live like this with her anymore.





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