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Okay, I really feel the need to vent, because I really haven't been able to. Sometimes I'm okay and then the next minute I start to thinking and I sink back into my quiet depression. Here's my story and I would love any input, because I MAY just be over reacting...if i am i hope I can get over this hurt somehow. Friday night, my SOON 2 BE mother in law, sister in law and nephew came into town. My fiance was invited to go out to applebees after a very stressful week at work. My fiance and I had already been having a rough week. See this is where I get really angry because I don't want to say all of this was my fault and this is was drove him to do what he did...because I think it's nothing wrong, but I keep thinking..."why the heck didn't i go"...well Anyway, back to applebees; my fiance asked if I would like to go and I told him no. I didn't want to leave my MIL and SIL with the responsibility of taking care of our 8 week old son. They came into town to relax and let loose and it wasn't fair and hospitable of me to put that burden on them. I however, encouraged my fiance to go out with 3 of his work friends (2 guys, 1 gal and their 5 mo. old son). I thought I could trust him again. He had gone out before and trust was NEVER an issue. He came home early right after a few beers...I thought this time was going to be the same. Well, 8 rolls around...and I tried calling him to see if he was okay and if he needed me to go pick him up cuz i didn't feel comfortable about him driving while intoxicated. I tried for an hour to get ahold of him and nothing. Finally I got ahold of him and he said that he had only had 2 beers and was drinking some water so he could make sure he was okay to drive. He was already gettin ready to come home. So i thought "cool." eventually he still wasn't home by 10...or 11...and finally at 11:45pm after his mom and sister had made numerous attempts to get ahold of him he called and I couldn't help but yell at him. We had a baptizmal class to attend that following morning and I felt a lil disgusted that here I was caring for our son while he was out having a "Jolly" good time even though I encouraged him. I felt as though he could have had the compassion to think "it's a lil late, I should call and let them know what's up and if she needs me to come home and help with the baby." Taking care of a baby 24/7 can get a little stressful and depressing at times. His sister and I made a trip to applebees EARLIER to make sure everything was okay around 10. I hadn't had a call from him and knew he had been drinking so I wanted to make sure he wasn't pulled off to the side getting arrested, or injured. Needless to say we didn't find his car at Applebees nor at a local bar/club behind applebees and we returned home. Well he finally got home and everyone went to bed while we stayed in the room and talked. I was very upset at him and he apologized and went on to tell me about some disturbing news concerning his job. I won't bore you with the details. He also told me that he was in fact at that club/bar because he ended up drinking way to much after we had talked on the phone and he wanted to wind down before driving home. He was also concerned about his friend since he was plastered off the wall. His friend had already made plans to be there at the club/bar after applebees. Well eventually I got into bed and we started cuddling and I happened to say "I LOVE YOU." Now lemme get into this other part. I've been struggling with Post Pardum Depression for a while. I'm not some psycho, but I have my moments of feeling blue over my changing body and not being pregnant any longer. The spotlight is no longer mine and belongs to my son. I have lost all my baby weight if not more since giving birth 8 weeks ago and I hate to tute my own horn, but I still look very attractive. Am able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes and such. Well I know I still look nice, but the problem is...I NEED TO HEAR IT FROM MY FIANCE! I need the EXTRA reassurance and since our son had been born, after waiting the 6 weeks, I was hot and heavy for him...he however wasn't having any of that. I had no sexual activity of any sort since the first week of Jan. due to pre-term labor issues. Well, since June 7...we've had sex maybe 3 times. And all those times it was "hurry up get it over with sex." Mostly we were tired, but *horny*...and our son was getting a little bit on the fussy side. Before and during pregnancy (when it was allowed) we were all over eachother and sex was amazing, now it had stopped along with all the compliments. I came on the boards complaining about how I felt neglected and at the advice of some well intentioned people I did try to talk to him, but felt it easier to actually get through to him through a letter (e-mail). talking to him was hard being has though he always seemed to be distracted by his Cubs and I thought he'd pay better attention to a letter. Well he got it, read it, apologized, recognized what he was doing wrong and we made love that night. It was great. I came on here excited and sharing my news. Well back to friday night. After climbing into our bed and saying "I LOVE YOU." He sighed and said "I have to tell you something." I asked "what" and he told me "I know after I tell you this you're gonna hate me and wanna hit me. But I could lie to you, but i'm not going to because I love you. Just know that I've never cheated on you and never would." So here I am getting a tad bit scared. Finally he tells me. "i wasn't at the *club/bar* tonight. I went to a STRIP CLUB." I...well. I pulled my whole body away from him. I litterally felt my heart sink and began to hurt. I sat on the edge of the bed crying and feeling as though he had cheated on me. I got my pillow and blanket and attempted to sleep on the floor but needed to know more. I asked him WHY and he said because he was drunk, stupid and curious. It was an idiotic mistake on his part. I asked him if he had a lap dance and he didn't lie to me and said YES. I litterally felt disgusted. Here is some woman dancing naked on my fiance. Some woman shaking her goodies while he sat there and watched. The naked woman dancing for him should have been me...the woman he plans to marry...the woman he got down on one knee for and said he would never hurt. I got sick and ran to the bathroom and threw up. My self-consiousness came back and I felt ugly. I looked at my body in such disgust even though he kept telling me he found me attractive. I couldn't believe him. I went through horrible sheer pain to give him a son.

We've talked about it yes. I prayed and prayed and i've forgiven him. I HAVE to forgive him, but I haven't forgotten. I choose not to throw it in his face at every waking moment and cause even more problems between us. I know he is genuinlly sorry for what he did as he promised he'd never do it again and PART of me believes him. But i'm hurting inside. I'm so disgusted and feel as though he had an affair. He wasn't with another woman, he didn't cheat on me, he didn't kiss another woman or engage in any sexual acts and it's eating me up inside. We've been lovey dovey with eachother since the insident and i've managed to stop myself from crying. Somehow I managed to find out the more I smothered myself with my fiance the better it was to forget what happned in a way (i know that sounds weird)...but then I have a little moment to myself to where for a split second I remember what he did and I become angry. Like now, the night i had my son he told me he had a whole new level of *loyalty* towards me. Kind of in a joking way he said I owned him for life. He was amazed at what I did and the pain involved.

I want to lunge at him and scream, hit, punch, call him names..i'm so confused. I'm thinking the best thing for me to do is go to my pastor and tell him of my feelings. See what advice he has to offer me. Maybe then I can really move past this. I just wanted to know if I was over reacting? Was it my fault that he went to the strip club? All because I asked him to give me a compliment every now and then? A 10 sec. minute phone call during the day to let me know he's thinking of me. Why don't men (not all men...just some)think about the simplest of things that can make a woman feel so entirely special??

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