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Relationship Health Message Board


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Thanks for your advice.

>> FRIENDS = THE END

Friends is bad news I know, and to assume that meant definitely no chance of a relationship, that would make deciding what to do easier. But I have reason to think something could happen, as life may not always go according to the formula, we're both in relationships which makes friendship somewhat of a necessity (though we could have chosen to end our relationships to be together), a few weeks into her relationship she "had a talk" with her boyfriend because she was interested in me (in which he apparently won her heart over), and she also said in an email that she would like for there to be something for us - alluding to a relationship of some kind. And not long ago she pressed her leg into mine (I couldn't respond because of my already being in a relationship). I think she does care about me. Although right now, with her not making an effort to contact me, and telling me she's happy with her bf and even wants to build on the relationship, it does make me wonder how much I mean to her. So I'm getting both good and bad signals, enough bad ones not to be optimistic, but enough good ones to think that friendship might not be the end.

>> I have to ask though, why do you have someone if all you can think about is someone else?

My gf is adoring of me, what I have with her is very nice, and I'd like to give it more of a chance. That's why I don't let go of it. But this other girl I do admittedly have a burning desire for, and it does make me wonder about the love I have for my gf and whether she is 'good enough' or right for me, but if I can deal with the object of that desire, the other girl, I think things love-wise with my gf will be ok.

>> you're not being honest with her

It would seem only natural to go after someone who you think you want to be with more, and we're not married, so I don't think I have to spill the beans about it. I suppose it would be better to tell her about it because I don't like to do something behind her back as it were, but with where things are with the other girl at the moment, I think it's safer and reasonable not to say anything about it at this point. I still love my gf, so I'm not using her.

>> I would suggest staying as far away from this girl as you can...no friends...no contact...no nothing.

I might do that, and explain why to her, or say nothing about it. It would make life simpler. But it's hard to cut off from someone who you have dreamt about, especially when there are some positive signals, and she wants friendship. Does it really need to be that painful? or that absolute? Maybe there is some middle ground that could be found where I can make the most of the relationship I'm in, and still have her in my life somehow, in case...

>> The reason is simple...you don't want to be her friend!

I wish i could say that and believe it. But I like to be with her and in the past we've had some wonderful moments together, at least from my viewpoint. If friendship is all there can be, maybe that is better than nothing, if I can manage to think of her as just a friend, can bear the thought of her being with someone else, and I can keep the relationship i'm in intact. Maybe she's right that we do need people in our lives to 'care' about. Only to only care about her at a distance for me is somewhat painful.

>> Cut this off immediately and pay more attention to YOUR girl.

But with the feelings I still have for her and the experiences we've had it seems wrong to cut her out of my life, though I acknowledge that that she has chosen to be with someone else. If only there were some other solution that would work. But admittedly as long as I desire her, and she's with someone else, it doesn't seem anything would work because I can only be unhappy in that situation whether I'm with my gf or not. Maybe time is the solution - go our separate ways and agree to make contact at some unspecified time in the future, but that would create hope, and that mightn't be helpful. I fear you may be right.

Josh





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