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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Josh, if you are younger than 24 or 25, and you haven't had more than one girlfriend or two, then go for it...break up and explore...If you are taking strides towards settling into a relationship...a committed relationship...you may want to consider the following:


There will always be someone else that we can imagine ourselves falling in love with...even when we have experienced that feeling...and even if you are engaged, even when you are married. What most people don't realize is that the longer you are in a relationship, ( a meaningful one) the more you move towards becoming like a family (even with no marriage or children involved) The only magic in a relationship is that the walk starts out with two people...and with time, although there are really two people, with years, if you are lucky you will build the kind of trust to a point that---you know each other so well, that each of you could literally represent the other. .that is when you become one...one in body, but also in mind and spirit...it just happens...it sounds magical...but its not...you know...that comfortable feeling that you have about yourself...??? The two of you become one...by becoming comfortable in your trust and knowledge....So when you consider your relationship, and another...it is never a fair comparison... are you comparing it to when you just met...or to the current status of your relationship...because...with time...its like the comfotable feeling you get when you are around family...That is the comfortable feeling you will feel with a person that you have made a lifetime commitment with. People don't value that. If you value your family, then you will value your partner. Words sound magical...Life is magical...but when your living it...it doesn't seem so magical.

For romance and fun, you will have to rely on your memories, and your ability to inspire newly shared experiences. Present and Past...the present always becomes past. Those are the memories you are building, and those are what propel you forward.(When we fall into patterns, we call that dull, ordinary, sometimes comfortable.)You must remember the reasons you first were drawn to your current girlfriend...No matter how exciting a new prospect is now, with time, emotional excitement is lessened, as is the sexual desire is diminished...not gone, just diminshed. You find that the things you loved about that person, are now the things that annoy you...but you will also find things you love, and if you can laugh and smile about it...you're doing good. The irony is when you lose someone, the some of the things you thought you hated...are the things you will miss. Human nature is fickle.

It is the essence of who someone is, that doesn't really change...(behavior and essence not the same thing)...as the more time you spend with someone, the more you realize who that person is.Eventually you will scrutinize her, the same way you scrutinize yourself (and she will scrutinize you).This is when you must practice restraint or diplomacy, with all your might.)

Are you looking for someone you can trust, and share your LIFE's ups and downs, laugh, and cry, and have romantic companionship, trusting your body with the one who is trusting you and yours? Are you looking for warmth, comfort, challenges...are you willing to examine your stregnths, and weaknesses? Are you able to face the truth about yourself? Because a relationship is a talking mirror...when you look into the eyes of another person, and talk to them, those eyes are attached to a mouth, and a brain, like you has the potential to speak some harsh truths about you...but will hopefully still love you and speak kind words too.With time, you will be harshly honest with each other, When you enter that mirror phase, you must be careful to not say something you might regret, and not react in anger. That =ugly.

If you are willing to give and take,..all the things that are part of a relationship...if these things are the things your looking for...then a long term relationship is for you, when you find the right person....but know this....

The right person...starts off...with a dreamy, passionate experiece...but will evolve...into...a family member. Marriage is about starting a family...even if you have no children...even if you never have children.

Dating, is an opportunity to examine the best and worst qualities of a person...with time, you learn whether you can accept these. Dating is the absolute most fun time you will ever have in a relationship...NOTHING compares to it...even though you WILL have other GREAT experiences...it becomes a nostaligic, an unbelievable memory...no matter who you're with...Important questions are simply...can you find someone who is willing to live life, the way you would like to envision your life to be? What patterns in life do you want for yourself? for your future family? for children? does this person have the same value system?

The value of trust....once its broken...cannot be regained...not when it comes to having given your most private self, and made yourself vulneerable sexually AND emotionally. If you are unsure...because you feel that you need to explore...then explore, but you will have to deal with the consequences...it's healthier if you go your seperate ways. If you cheat...you will be hated....and if someone feels shocked by your unfaithfulness...there's no telling how they might react. I recommend giving hints...before breaking up...hints that YOU are unhappy and uncertain about settling into in a relationship...not that there is something wrong with the relationship or that the person has done anything wrong(unless they did). Apologize that you are not as ready for a committment as you had hoped. Anthything more are just tender excuses, explanations that are never handled very well by women. Or tell her you want an open relationship, where she can date, and you can date...and then, let the relationship die.

I don't think you HAVE to confess...unless you are ready to hear that she too at times has considered other men...because its only natural to ask those very questions...and its not the question to be feared...but the answer...as long as you two remain together, you are choosing each other over others....because there is always, always another choice for both of you (whether you are willing to believe that or not, its true, its just a choice)...and sooner or later...sometimes many, many years later...there will be a person who walks into your life or her life that really tests your ethical boundries on this issue...sometimes more than once.

Did you jump into your current relationship with gusto and lots of romance? or was an act of convenience? half hearted,( don't judge it by the current status, think back to the very first 6 months..) Were you just thinking well someone is better than no one? Or were you thinking, wow, I can't wait for the chance to spend more time with her in all kinds of ways??? For a man, one of the most important questions is when you first met her, did you find her attractive? (inside and outside is Equally important.)And the inner part of who she is, is that still attractive??? What ever is not attractive ...can we accept? There will always be things you don't like about someone NO Matter if they are Gorgeous) So when you get used to her looks...how will you feel about who she is on the inside?

It sounds terrible...sleeping around....is like a roller coaster ride...even with its ups and downs, you want to get on it...again...and again because its exciting...that's why its encouraged that in your 20's you get experience...but the problem with that is that some habits are hard to break...particulary sexual ones...And another battle is the female instict...as breeders..they think about being protected, and finding someone who can help protect, and providing stability for self and family someday...so...they instinctively think...relationships....but a relationship is more than just a ride...its not just a roller coaster, but the experience and responsibility and joy of BIULDING a roller coaster, together you build your ups and downs, together you take each other for a ride, and work out the kinks in the roller coaster, then trying it out together, and taking pride in what you are constantly rebuilding...new twists and turns...a person has to ask himself if he needs the excitement of different roller coasters? or is he willing to partner with someone to build the best roller coaster experience in a life time? Will his partner quit? will he quit? does that mean you shouldn't build a relationship? only you can answer that question...

Inspite of all this....be true to who you really are...and enjoy yourself now...and when you find the right person...its okay to live an comfortable life. Hopefully with time, you will motivate each other to enjoy as many little pleasures as you can.

Josh, your writing tells me that you are a sound person, with good judgement. There is no right or wrong here, as long as you are not trying to hurt someone intentionally. You are simply trying to make the best choices for yourself. I am sure that if you listen to yourself, and let time pass, that you will feel more certain...of what is best for you.





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