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Relationship Health Message Board


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There is absolutely NO benefit whatsoever to hurting someone's feelings.

It is disingenuous and even cruel and selfish to ALWAYS provide a completely truthful response in a situation wherein someone is going to be hurt by that truth.

Apparently, it seems that this is what women want, based on the posts above -- that, or some gals just WANT to reassure themselves that men are dishonest by nature and cannot be trusted.

WHY on Earth would you want to know if a guy doesn't want a serious relationship with YOU but might with someone else? What good does this do? Isn't it better to just DROP it when you know a guy isn't interested -- do you need to know the bitter details of his lack of interest or attraction to you?

Would you gals ENJOY it, because of the honesty, if the guys were to say: "Hey, Sally, you know... I had fun making out with you, but your breasts just aren't big enough and I am also not fond of all the stuffed animals on your bed, so I'd rather date someone else -- but I surely don't want to date YOU!"

Why not just allow the TRUTH to speak for itself? He isn't into you -- that's THAT. End the inquisition, please.

And frankly, guess what? NO ONE is REQUIRED to tell anyone else WHY they do not want to be involved. NO means NO, doesn't it?

I can't think of many women who would disagree with the statement "no means no."

But I think some gals are searching for an excusable way to enjoy a double-standard.

YES... some men will use a woman to get what they want (sex) and then be done with her if she did not live up to expectations or for WHATEVER reason. Maybe the guy is simply a jerk and does this to most women once he's had his little conquest. Or maybe there is no chemistry on HIS part. Or maybe he thinks the gal is getting a bit too involved too fast and he's scared of that. There could be a million reasons -- do you REALLY and TRULY want to KNOW what they are? Do you WANT the men to hurt your feelings for NO REASON at all?

Why can't you just accept the fact that sometimes it doesn't work out?

And ladies, please -- how many of YOU ALWAYS tell a guy the REAL reason you don't want to be with him? A thread somewhere here not long ago discussed penis size -- and the women were in agreement that there is NO valid reason to insult a man and tell him that his penis is too small for her particular taste.

So if you girls would clam up about THAT (and presumably other relationship-killer issues), why can't a man have his private reasons left private, too?

Insecurity, that's why. And that's just silly: we all KNOW that relationships often come and go and that two people always do NOT hit it off -- that's simply a fact of life. Leave it be -- it's a mysterious and unknown universal force of non-attraction and attraction -- consider it like gravity: it exists, but no one is really sure HOW or WHY it does what it does.

To the poster:

Sure, you are entitled to ask him out again. Why not? Give it a shot. If he doesn't respond or comes up with an obvious excuse or puts you on hold -- dismiss him and be done with it. If he accepts -- great! Give it another shot.

You CAN email this request for a date with him, but... that is frankly not quite proper. It's better to at least call on the phone or ask him face to face. In teenage circles it is highly likely you won't have a problem finding him in PERSON to ask him out.

YES, it is entirely possible that he's humiliated beyond belief by his "difficulty" when you last messed around. In fact, I'd bet almost FOR SURE that this IS his reason for the cold shoulder you are getting.

And while the presence of others in a social setting could have EVERYTHING to do with it -- there could be a million other reasons why this happened, too. I DOUBT it has much to do with you, but the possibility exists that maybe you are just NOT his type and he realized it during your encounter.

By all means -- ask him one more time. If he ignores you or refused -- LEAVE HIM ALONE and FORGET IT.

There will be plenty of men who are into you -- give it time. And NEVER, EVER (please, please STOP) FORCE a man to tell you the WHOLE truth when you KNOW it's going to hurt you. It is unfair to the guys and serves NO benefit to you, either.

If you aren't wanted -- you KNOW it. Learning the details of exactly WHY isn't going to help because what ONE man thinks is NOT what all OTHER men are going to think -- you will not get any information which will allow you to "improve" yourself or make yourself more desirable. You gals are asking for us to put everyone into a lose-lose situation -- for no apparent gain.

Note: we aren't talking about SERIOUSLY lying here, as in partners who lie about everything and anything. We're talking about simply letting someone off the hook for the sake of propriety and social GRACE. There's a HUGE difference.
one from a guy

guys yes we are simple... ask us directly DIRECTLY and your 99% sure to get a proper answer... drag around the topic, hint, etc we're likely to misinterpret it, or just give up

this guy is shy you said... take it from a shy guy, it takes us alot of courage to put it out there, so if we're unsure about how you'll react, we'll bottle up... and if there's a performance concern, we get even more likely to bottle up.

i.e. you say: umm yeah the party was cool and i had fun and maybe we should hang etc.

we go maybe

you say: hey i like you alot, and want to see if you and i can become "we"

we're more likely to risk the final little step, and admit that we too want a relationship.

and one last thing people, if you use 1 way communication and don't get an answer, don't expect sympathy. 1. it's easy to ignore an email or sms... and we can even claim we didn't get it :D

2. we may genuinely be busy

3. it's hard to guage reactions from it... did this person spontaneously say this, or had it been drafted and rewritten, and proofread by 3 anonymous referees.

4. it's easy to fob someone off by 1 way communication.

5. as a shy guy, we can't guage the amount of effort/ truth in there. an email saying "let's date" or words to that effect reads the same if it was truely meant, or sent as agroup email to all your friends.

make a phone call...

1 we can't ignore it if we answer it... and i know my ring tone is annoying
2 you can guage my reaction... if you say something serious and i burst into laughter, it's hard for me to hide that reaction
3. it shows us you do care... as stated above, i could group email 100 people and see if any of them want to date... when you put yourself on the line with a phone call, it makes me think that your the real deal.
4. a girls voice is so much more stimulating than outlook express, or the ***** mail page :D

peace





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