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Workplace romance, and how it affects the relationship you have with your pre-existing S.O. This is the insight I seek from you.

[B]Background:[/B]

I'm in my first relationship with a truly amazing woman.

She is beautiful, she is intelligent, she is honest, she is loyal, she is opinionated, she is innocent, she is funny, she is a natural at making the right decisions ALL THE TIME... she is, quite simply, the most amazing person I've ever met.

Because she is so amazing, she's never had a one-night stand. She's always been involved in a serious relationship, never a fling. I've never been involved in a relationship lasting more than 2 months, but I've had a few flings. Which brings this story to us, at the immediate moment. We've been fortunate to be with one-other for more than a year now. Awesome.

The first few dates, I was always thinking "I can't wait for our 1-month anniversary." After that, I couldn't wait for the 2-month anny. After that, the 3-month anny. After that, the 6-month anny. After that, the 9-month anny. After that, the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

We got there and enjoyed every minute along the way. Don't get me wrong, we've had our spats in the process (due mostly to my rough edges and immaturity, even though I'm older than her), but all-in-all, I've been pretty sure that this girl is the right match for me. Never thought I'd find someone like her. Never knew she existed with that amazing blend of characteristics.


HOWEVER....


I'm insecure.

I see the way people look at my girlfriend when they converse. It's not a sexual thing, it's a "connection" thing. She connects with people in a way I've never seen. She flat-out "sees" who people are, and when someone "sees" you for who you are, you look at them in a slightly different light. People are intrigued by her, just as I was, she has an infectious personality even though she's not all that outgoing... the more people get to know her, the more they're magnetically drawn to her...


Anyway...

She has a new job. And she interacts with her colleagues... and there's a lot of them, more than half of which are male. Knowing how men operate, I'm sure the majority of them are attracted to her, a concept of which she's practically blind to. She's been asked out to lunch a number of times, and she asks me if I'm okay with that... afterall, "it's just lunch." I appreciate her honesty and how she takes into consideration the way I feel. At the same time, I'm not going to put a leash around her neck, and I'll just have to trust her judgement and see how everything plays out, I guess...

So far so good. She shares all her office stories with me. I can tell through her stories that she talks to some people more than others, that some people talk to her more personally than others, that some people are fueled by certain types of motives more than others...

So I started researching the internet about the role that the workplace plays in relationships.

I read that 34% of married women HAVE HAD SEX with men outside of their marriages. Of that 34%, two thirds of those women meet their "secondary mates" at WORK.

Knowing how something like 60% of marriages fail, knowing how my parents divorced, how one cheated on the other, well... those statistics are cause for concern.

The more I read, the more I become disenchanted with the idea of marriage. I read all these case-studies where couples are head-over-heels in love with one-another, and then they get married, and then they're happy, and then... well, then one person breaks their vows and cheats on the other. And this happens in the MAJORITY (60%!!!) of MARRIAGES!!! How in the hell is that possible?


Every couple looks at that 60% divorce rate, and they say to each other, "Baby, that'll never be us." Well the MAJORITY of those people are wrong! 60% of them wind up miserable and depressed and confused and demoralized and defeated and destroyed and all these horrible god-awful things... nobody gets married expecting to get divorced.

And while 34% of married women have SEX with other men, almost ALL of them entertain "thoughts, ideas and fantasies" of being with other men. If they experience a "lull" in their relationship where they feel their husband isn't fulfilling all their emotional needs, they'll turn to the workplace where dozens upon dozens of men are eager to "stroke their minds and emotions with stimulating thoughts..."

Say what?!?!!?

If I knew my girlfriend EVER had "thoughts, ideas and fantasies" of other men, I'm not sure I'd be capable of coming to terms with those reactive emotions.


Knowing how 34% of MARRIED WOMEN CHEAT ON THEIR HUSBANDS BY HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN, and how the MAJORITY of marriages end in divorce, and how the VAST MAJORITY OF MARRIED WOMEN ENTERTAIN INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS AND THOUGHTS WITH OTHER MEN...

THEN PLEASE TELL ME THIS....



WHY


DO


WE


EVEN


BOTHER


TRYING


TO


FIND


LOVE?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
[QUOTE=ADDsubtract]I'm insecure.

I see the way people look at my girlfriend when they converse. It's not a sexual thing, it's a "connection" thing. She connects with people in a way I've never seen. She flat-out "sees" who people are, and when someone "sees" you for who you are, you look at them in a slightly different light. People are intrigued by her, just as I was, she has an infectious personality even though she's not all that outgoing... the more people get to know her, the more they're magnetically drawn to her...


Anyway...

She has a new job. And she interacts with her colleagues... and there's a lot of them, more than half of which are male. Knowing how men operate, I'm sure the majority of them are attracted to her, a concept of which she's practically blind to. She's been asked out to lunch a number of times, and she asks me if I'm okay with that... afterall, "it's just lunch." I appreciate her honesty and how she takes into consideration the way I feel. At the same time, I'm not going to put a leash around her neck, and I'll just have to trust her judgement and see how everything plays out, I guess...

And while 34% of married women have SEX with other men, almost ALL of them entertain "thoughts, ideas and fantasies" of being with other men. If they experience a "lull" in their relationship where they feel their husband isn't fulfilling all their emotional needs, they'll turn to the workplace where dozens upon dozens of men are eager to "stroke their minds and emotions with stimulating thoughts..."

Say what?!?!!?

If I knew my girlfriend EVER had "thoughts, ideas and fantasies" of other men, I'm not sure I'd be capable of coming to terms with those reactive emotions.


Knowing how 34% of MARRIED WOMEN CHEAT ON THEIR HUSBANDS BY HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN, and how the MAJORITY of marriages end in divorce, and how the VAST MAJORITY OF MARRIED WOMEN ENTERTAIN INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS AND THOUGHTS WITH OTHER MEN...

THEN PLEASE TELL ME THIS....



WHY


DO


WE


EVEN


BOTHER


TRYING


TO


FIND


LOVE?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????[/QUOTE]

Scruffy is 100% right, as usual. You're torturing yourself by doing all this research and looking at these meaningless statistics--yes, statistics are essentially meaningless, because they can be manipulated to support whatever claim the researchers want to prove. I'm sorry to say, but trust me that 100% of women have fantasies, thoughts, and ideas about other men, no matter how happy they are with their partners, just as all men at least occasionally have thoughts of other women. It worries me that you find this sort of thing so disturbing and depressing, and that you have allowed your insecurities to play such a major role in how you perceive--and most likely, also in how you act--in your relationship. If your GF is half as perceptive as you say, she has probably picked up on your insecurity and fear of her finding another guy at work. I've been in that situation before, where a boyfriend becomes more and more worried and mistrustful as I meet new guys, either at work or as friends, etc., and it's about the biggest turnoff their is. The sad thing is, while I was devoted and committed to these guys before they became preoccupied and borderline obsessed with other guys going after me and the possibility that I was into them, their insecurities drove me away and in some cases, drove me right into the arms of one of the men they considered such a serious threat.

I really think you need to find a way to cope with and come to terms with your insecurities and fears before they totally ruin your relationship...your girlfriend is already pulling away, and if she's avoided sex with you for several months, you must turn your attitude around fast if you want to salvage what you have with her. The fact is, any woman you date is going to be around other men on numerous occasions, and you are going to need to be secure and confident enough in your connection to her that this fact doesn't cause you such concern and uncertainty. Every woman out there is attracted to, drawn to, and interested in other men, no matter how much she loves the one she's with--that's just part of life, and you can't change this anymore than you can change the fact that half of the people your GF encounters are males who would more than likely sleep with her if they had the chance. The only way you can stop this is to love her, trust her, and act confident in your connection to her. Letting doubts and insecurities get in the way of being happy and secure will only backfire--if you trusted her to be loyal to you, chances are she'd have no reason to pull away from you, whereas now she is clearly feeling alienated and less than completely thrilled with your relationship. Love is scary, risky, and often ends painfully, but it's one of the most wonderful and fulfilling things in life, and most people think the risk is well worth the reward, even if love doesn't always last forever. The best way to ensure loyalty and fidelity is paradoxically to extend as much freedom and trust to your partner as possible--they have to voluntarily want to be with you and you alone, and treating them with suspicion and mistrust will only drive them toward someone else, even if they wouldn't have been tempted to cheat otherwise. I'd suggest you see a therapist and try to come to terms with your insecurity and trust issues so that they don't cause any future problems or create unnecessary distance in your current and future relationships.





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