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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi there Hiya,

I'm glad to hear you have such good instincts when it comes to street smarts and are careful to be safe rather than sorry...it's sad that women have to be so suspicious these days, but the alternative is completely unthinkable and unacceptable. Please don't ever worry about barging in on any threads--at least not any threads of mine! I've been wondering how you've been doing lately and happy to hear that you're still hanging in there as best you can, though of course I'd love to one day see an update that says you're feeling better or have met a wonderful new potential Mr. Hiya! :) I just know things will improve for you someday if you can get through one day at a time for now and do your best to stay positive, difficult as that may be much of the time. Remember that you always have lots of friends here who love and care for you very much whenever you need support or just want to vent...I know it's not the same thing as having real life friends you can touch, hear, and see, but it's also nothing to sniff at to have good friends anywhere!

My heart really breaks for you, particularly lately as I've looked over some of your old threads and gotten a better sense of just how tough your situation is to move on from...oh Hiya, I just hope things get better for you before long. I can completely understand why your ex had such a significant and indeliable impact on your life, given that you'd been longing for love for so long and had to wait 30 years for it to come along. Not only did you have little past experience to compare your ex's behavior against in order to see that he wasn't treating you with the consistent loyalty, love, and respect you deserved and react accordingly, but you also put all your eggs in his basket (to borrow one of your metaphors) because you had no prior experience which had taught you to protect yourself and your vulnerability to hurt by holding back a bit. Instead, you gave him all the love and understanding you had to give, which I think was incredibly brave and admirable, though you chose a man who did not deserve your devotion. I hate to see you say that you blew your one chance at happiness or that somehow the way things turned out with your ex was your fault, when the opposite couldn't be more true. Your ex was clearly too insecure, scared, and self-centered to accept the wonderful, unconditional love you have to offer, and so he ran as fast as he could into the arms of a woman who treated and still treats him as poorly as he believes he deserves. Other than the fact that your prior lack of experience with men left you in a very difficult emotional position regarding your ex--you gave him all the love you'd been waiting to share for so long, yet didn't have the perspective gained by experience that would have made you cut him loose before he hurt you as much as he did and would have given you the confidence to know you'll someday have all the necessary opportunities for you to find true, lasting love. But Hiya, you do have another chance, though I think that anyone who knows you and your story would firmly disagree with you that your inexperience or anything you did was the reason your relationship with your ex ended--he is the stupid one, he is the one who is at fault, and he is probably the one who is kicking himself every day for leaving a woman who truly loved him for one who orders him around and treats him as her human punching bag. The other incredibly painful and difficult to overcome aspect of your situation is that when you opened and entrusted your heart to your ex, you made yourself so vulnerable that you could never recover your previous innocence and optimism once he squandered your love and trust. It makes me so sad and angry to see that a man who was never even close to worthy of you has impacted your life to such an extent that he truly has changed who you are. It's hard not to notice how prominently he still factors in your thoughts, as many of your posts, no matter how they start off, end up discussing your ex...obviously that makes sense as this is a relationship board where we all share our insight gleaned from past loves, but I have a feeling that your preoccupation with your ex extends into your real life as well. I thought the email you shared from your FFWB was very interesting and revealing in that it showed that you truly do have friends (and I'm sure family as well) who care deeply for you and only want what's best for you, but that the hurt you've suffered because of your ex has permeated you so deeply that it's made it near impossible for them to imbue you with any optimism or happiness. From what you've shared about the time you've spent with FFWB, it seems that nearly every time, you've had a discussion about your ex or in some other way demonstrated that his memory still looms over your life and fills you with sadness and gloominess about your future. Again, this is an almost paradoxical predicament that is understandably difficult to surmount: while he gave you a taste of how wonderful a loving relationship can be and how greatly it can enrich your life, he also cruelly ripped that treasured feeling away from you and has therefore made you spend a number of years since then missing that feeling more deeply and profoundly than you could have imagined before you met your ex. Now you feel as though nothing but love can restore hope and happiness to your life, but the hurt your ex inflicted upon you by taking away the most important thing you can imagine permeates everything you do and say, which clearly influences the way potential lovers perceive you (most likely as deeply hurt and careful to avoid future vulnerability, not as someone who radiates the kind of optimism and happiness people look for when they decide who to date and who to fall for). I can certainly understand why you feel that the one thing that would make you happy, a loving marriage, is so difficult to attain because your strong desire and need for it to make you happy means the lack of it has seriously compromised your current happiness and therefore your appeal to potential partners. I wish there was something we could say or do to help other than continuing to assure you how much we care and want the best for you, and encouraging you never to give up on the love you want so much, which could be right around the corner...remember that while optimism, contentment, and confidence are most appealing to the opposite sex, a large number of people have nonetheless met the loves of their lives while sad and depressed. As your friends have assured you in the past, please be sure to remember that no one saw it coming or had anything more than faith and hope that it would happen just prior to meeting their life partners...there is simply no reason, with all the wonderful qualities and intense, passionate love that you have to offer, that there isn't a man waiting around the corner for you who will thank his lucky stars each and every day that your ex made such a colossal mistake by letting you go. Keep the faith and please keep us posted on how you're doing, OK, Hiya? I'll be wishing you well and sending you my happiest, most optimistic thoughts in the meantime :).





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