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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I think you're thinking about this because deep down, your gut is telling you that you are far too young to settle down and especially to marry anyone. Besides the major issues you're facing with your fiance's family and the fact that it bothers you that giving you a ring to make your engagement official isn't a priority for your boyfriend, it sounds like you're also starting to second guess whether your current guy is the only one you ever want to be with for the rest of your life. I'm in my early/mid twenties (which if I recall correctly is only a few years older than you?) and honestly, I know that I am nowhere near ready to pledge the rest of my life to just one man. Like you, I've discussed marriage with past boyfriends and legitimately thought at the time that I'd spend my life with them, but with the two guys I was most serious about, their families ultimately were much too annoying, manipulative, and meddling for me to ever be happy spending my life with their sons. Marriage seems so romantic and wonderful from afar, particularly when you're as young as we are, but as it becomes more and more of a looming reality, it can all of a sudden start to seem pretty scary and restrictive. My guess as to why you're thinking about your ex is because you a) have unresolved feelings for him and may wish you'd been together when you were both more mature and the timing was better and b) you're wondering whether you are really ready to marry your fiance, if he is mature (especially when it comes to money) enough for marriage, and if you want to legally become part of his family and assume all the debts they will likely continue to accrue under his name. I can't advise you strongly enough to put off this wedding...if it was truly the right thing to do right now, you would have no doubts whatsoever and certainly no lingering feelings for any of your exes. You can always choose to marry your fiance, but once you go through with it, getting divorced is an extremely aggravating, expensive process that would leave you responsible for thousands and thousands of dollars of debt his parents have illegally piled up under his name. And if you ask me, very few people are actually ready to get married in their early twenties...maybe with old people it's different, but for our generation, early twenties is still really young, when most people are either still in school or living with and/or being supported by their parents.

Also, most early twenty-somethings are not mature or experienced enough when it comes to sex and relationships to be certain that they are selecting the right partner for them to commit to for the rest of their lives. I don't know about your own experiences and feelings when it comes to sex, and I know that many women on these boards, particularly significantly older women, don't think sex is all that important in a marriage and don't seem to have a very strong sex drive, but to me it's an incredibly big deal. It certainly is to a variety of men--are you sure your fiance is ready to settle down? It makes me wonder a bit considering how immature he's been acting lately in picking little fights with you and in insisting that his trips and sports events are more important uses for money than buying you an engagement ring. Maybe he's starting to wonder himself whether he's really ready to spend the rest of his life with one woman and never have sex with anyone else again? It's certainly something you should think over--are you both 100% sure that you will be happy together without ever dating or sleeping with anyone else? For me, I just can't imagine making that commitment now, but again, I know that not all women love and prioritize sex like I do. For as far back as I can remember, I've been dying to experience sex in a variety of ways with a variety of appealing men. I would never want to settle down until I was sure that I had satisfied my desire to experiment, out of fairness to my husband--I think far too many people, particularly women, romanticize only having one partner or having minimal sexual experience prior to marriage, only to find themselves very unsatisfied by their partners and yearning to experience what else is out there. I just don't think you can have a happy marriage without a good sex life, and let's be honest, the less sexual encounters and partners you have had, the less skillful you'll be in bed, and
the less confidence and experience you will have when it comes to knowing (and telling your partner) how to please you. I think marrying as a virgin is a huge mistake and a very silly, detrimental idea to begin with, and that no marriage will have as good a sex life as it could unless both partners have satisfied their sexual curiousity before settling down and learning a great deal about how to please themselves and their partners. I'm not saying that you lack experience; I have no idea whether this is true and it's obviously a private matter which is your, and only your, business. But from what you say about your ex, it sounds like your desire for men other than your partner has not been fully satisfied, which is a recipe for unhappiness and cheating when it comes to marriage. Think about all the people here in unhappy marriages because they are not satisfied sexually and/or are longing for partners other than their spouse...so much of this unhappiness and frustration could be avoided if everyone waited until they were undoubtedly mature and experienced enough before settling down. Again, I know sex isn't everything, and that some people don't place much importance on it, but among young people who grew up in an age where it was OK for women to indulge their strong sexual desires, experiment, and have a variety of partners, it is a very significant part of relationships. I don't think anyone should get married until they can honestly say that they have no desire whatsoever for anyone other than their partner (other than harmless fantasies, of course). If there is anyone else in your life that appeals to you sexually or romantically, I think that's a very clear sign that you're not ready for marriage at this point. Not that you never will be, and not that your fiance isn't the guy for you, just that your instincts are telling you in no uncertain terms that this just isn't the right step for you at this point in time.
Thank you for the responses.

Njoylife, I think you mis-read and havent been following my battle. His mom and step dad maxed out a couple of his credit cards without his knowledge. THEIR only vechial was repo'd, not my boyfriends. My boyfriend pays his own bills on time and doesnt have a problem w/money.

Goody, I do know my ex is a jerk and I shouldnt even have let a thought cross through my mind. I needed to hear just this, that he isnt worth it anyway.

As of now things will be called off. And will not be made official until there is a ring. I want our relationship to last. I've never been so comfortable with anyone before. This is the first guy I have really grown too.

Snails as you were saying about partners and what not. I actually have a low sex drive granted we dont go without im not one to be in a hurry to "get it on". His is much higher then mine, and that has caused small clashes in the past but nothing to cause a big stir, we have gotten around it. We have both had 2 other partners in our lives. Ive never really thought about having sexual relations with anyone else.

I want our relationship back to how it use to be, but all I can see is a huge brick wall right now. I want to get a place with him (i know things were good when he didnt live at home for the past year and i think in my mind if i get him out of there it will be better for the both of us). His mom came to him just the other day, she needed money to pay the electric bill or it would be shut off today (friday), my boyfriend didnt have any money, we just got back from our trip so we did a "check and cash" like thing for her. I know those things are like the devil but she "told" him she'd have it "payed" on time (i think you get two weeks).

It's never ending, I just want to break down and cry more and more lately. We were so happy together, we hardly every faught, things were great. Then he moves home, and his parents care is repo'd, easy solution for them because my guy has one, now he lives at home and they need money to keep the eletric on...no problem he lives here again. :( I just want this to end!





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