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Relationship Health Message Board


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Well the cash loan thing was again done in my boyfriends name. And is parents are suppose to pay it off next friday. We shall see.

It's great that you and your husband were able to get past this, im not even married to my guy yet and all I can think is what if his parents stiff us w/this debt. In my heart I dont think my boyfriend couldnt take them to court because they are family and he knows they are already suffering.

I guess they will be paying off their student loans till they are like 70? Which means they didnt pay the darn things for a few years after they quit school for one, and two they must not be garnishing much out of the both of they're wages other wise this shouldnt take 30+ years to pay off! That is the biggest thing with my boyfriend he knows if he ever goes to college he wants to know what he's going to do because he doesnt want to end up like his parents now. His brother said the same thing (he will be moving to live with his dad in a month or so here) he says "All I know is I dont want to live like this when I get older'' How sad is it to watch their family take such a toll on my boyfriend and his brother, not to mention they have a younger sister who isnt even 14 yet who has yet to go through some of this.
I think Goody gave you great advice, though I agree that whether or not a relationship can survive such difficult family issues depends on whether a) your BF is willing to take a firm stand against any more of his parents' begging, borrowing, and stealing from him and refuse to allow any of these behaviors to continue, and b) he has to be firmly committed to you as his main priority and closest ally in life--this means putting the best interests of you and him above those of him family and doing whatever is necessary, including moving out of his parents' house, to protect your marriage from their destructive and stressful influence. Is he willing to put his foot down and refuse to loan them anymore money, move out, let his family know that you are his family now and his new nuclear family must be his main concern? If he will stand beside you and take a stand, I think you guys have a good chance of making it through this together, but if he is unwilling to be firm about cutting his parents off and ensuring that they not only pay the debt they've accrued illegally in his name, but from here on out never steal or manipulate him into getting them more money. I feel so badly for you both that outside influences are causing such an understandably painful strain on your relationship, and family influences are some of the most powerful and the most frustrating, because they are so difficult to escape without guilt. I wish you guys all the best of luck and especially hope that your boyfriend is able to get out from under their manipulative influence and avoid any future mooching...however, only he can make that decision and only he can find the strength, hopefully with your support, to cut his family off and be aggressive and persistent about not repaying their debts for them. What is his attitude about all this? Do you think he is willing to put your marriage before his parents' interests and firmly refuse to let them take further advantage of him financially? Is he committed to making his parents repay the money they owe him by whatever means necessary, or would he rather have thousands of dollars of someone else's debt hanging over you as you start a new life together? Finally, what steps, if any, has he taken to ensure that his parents will not open more accounts or borrow more money in his name, considering that his parents have had no qualms about stealing from him in the past? These are just a few ideas I think you should think about before making any decisions about your future with your fiance...if I was you, I'd suggest working up a list of things you want to discuss and try to resolve while deciding how to proceed. It's best to be on the same page about important issues like money and family before you take a major step like marriage. I wish you all the best!
thank you again snails. I have already been thinking of what I need to mention to him if I see him tonight. The fact about marriage is the top of the list and if he wants it to happen this is how it's going to have to be. I've already told myself I cannot marry him unless this is being paid of promply, I dont want us to get married and have his mom and step dad look as us and say ....they can pay it they are doing much better then we are....

I dont want to make him "choose'' I'd like to see him come flat out and tell me its done no more money to them I swear. Now they owe the check and cash thing (not them my boyfriend really) for the electric. You know? Whats next? What bill/s cant they pay for next??? I've told him I just dont understand how any family member can do this to their child, i still dont see it actually. Neither does my boyfriend.

Here's my list so far, 1.Money situation, needs to end they shouldnt be dependent on him. 2. This debt needs to start moving otherwise I wont get married for some time. 3. (unsure of this idea let me know what you think) Making his parents sign something saying that they WILL pay the whole debt off, this way if they stop then we can take them to court? 4. family usage of his vehical, if we move out, this ends, they have no respect for it anyway and rarely put gas it! 5. The most recent check and cash that he made should be the last for them!

I feel like there should be a lot more on this list? Am I missing something because im sure I am!
[QUOTE=Piranna65] The fact about marriage is the top of the list and if he wants it to happen this is how it's going to have to be. I've already told myself I cannot marry him unless this is being paid of promply, I dont want us to get married and have his mom and step dad look as us and say ....they can pay it they are doing much better then we are....[/QUOTE] I think this is a very wise decision, Piranna. But from what you describe I don't think that the debts that you are speaking about will be paid off promptly. I'm a little confused....they took out a credit card in your BF's name. Are they paying it off??? Or are you & your BF intending on doing so....who needs to pay the debt off promptly, his parents??? Because if this is so I don't see anything prompt about it :eek: These people have been in debt forever, what makes you think that they are going to do anything promptly now???

Also...you need to be so careful that you don't come across as controlling and as a dictator. You need to be understanding in the sense that this is his family flaws & all but make it clear that you need to come first and that you cannot take on his family's financial difficulty. The two of you already have your own.

[QUOTE=Pirannna65]I dont want to make him "choose'' I'd like to see him come flat out and tell me its done no more money to them I swear. Now they owe the check and cash thing (not them my boyfriend really) for the electric. You know? Whats next? What bill/s cant they pay for next??? I've told him I just dont understand how any family member can do this to their child, i still dont see it actually. Neither does my boyfriend.[/QUOTE] They will do it until he says NO and sticks to it no matter what. So long as they see that he can be broken down with guilt they will continue doing so. You must convince him that people that love one another will not treat each other this way using them and taking advantage of them. They need to know where the boundaries are and that is that you are not a bank.....they need to go to work and do whatever it takes to make the money they need in order to pay their bills just like everyone else does.

[QUOTE=Pirannna65]Here's my list so far, 1.Money situation, needs to end they shouldnt be dependent on him. 2. This debt needs to start moving otherwise I wont get married for some time. 3. (unsure of this idea let me know what you think) Making his parents sign something saying that they WILL pay the whole debt off, this way if they stop then we can take them to court? 4. family usage of his vehical, if we move out, this ends, they have no respect for it anyway and rarely put gas it! 5. The most recent check and cash that he made should be the last for them! [/QUOTE] You need to make it clear & simple.....you will not give them anymore money no matter what!!! The hard part is standing united and not allowing the guilt to pull you down like a ball & chain aroung your neck :eek: They shouldn't use his vehicle at all...he makes the payments and maintains it and pays for the insurance. Let them walk or get a cab or bike it to where they need to go. A ride once in a while somewhere on the way to where he is going is okay but he shouldn't become their personal chauffer :nono:

Signing a note might be good in the sense of keeping track of their payments and making it more real in the sense of seeing it on paper. Each time they pay an installment a signature from you should serve as a receipt and documentation and be sure to note the balance. Should they miss any payments it won't become an issue of your word against theirs. So I think this would be a good idea.

I can't tell you how important it is that you see in action that your BF doesn't cave in whenever his family needs money or take from him/you in anyway before you consider marrying him. I know that this may be difficult but your BF needs to know that this must be done before you will consider a future with him or set a date. That should be a definite on your list.

Please keep us posted as to how things go.....Goody :wave:





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