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Relationship Health Message Board


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Wow, yet another wonderful post full of insightful advice from Goody--I hope it helps you Sophia, and I'm sorry some of the things I said weren't worded that clearly. I didn't meant to suggest that NG would have made the whole ex situation up just to test you--we've seen no reason to think he was that kind of person anyway--but I think his bringing it up was definitely orchestrated to gauge your reaction, and by proxy, you when it comes to your feelings about other women, exes, etc. And I didn't call NG slimy as a person--I don't believe that is the case overall, but I stand by my comment that what he's done to you by bringing his ex into a situation that he had assured you was moving along and developing into something serious is slimy in a big way. I really think it's insulting for him to tell you that because you would never have the done the same thing if your positions were reversed, out of courtesy and concern for him and because you want to reassure him that you really like him (and him exclusively). The fact that he mentioned the ex specifically in the way he did makes me wonder if maybe something more sinister could be going on--I'd say at the very least, he's trying to make you jealous, upset, and/or angry to see how you react to "competition," and hopefully you'll show him that you are way too good to even consider other women competition. After all, it's not a ton of men out there wouldn't love the opportunity to be your boyfriend, date exclusively, and have you all to themselves :). If NG is trying to provoke a reaction from you, which is probably to assuage his own insecurities, I don't think you should give him the satisfaction of lowering yourself to his ex's level in any way.

You are 100% right that a wonderful woman like you deserves a man who is completely devoted to her and would never consider an offer of infidelity from another woman out of love and respect for you. But unfortunately, the only way to obtain this fidelity is if your man voluntarily grants it and follows through on his loyalty to you. The more any women chase men around demanding that they do exactly what we want, the more they run away, but if we use reverse psychology and tell them, fine, go right ahead, then they come running right back to us like scared little boys on the first day of school needing more affection before he can leave our sides. Being independent and not needing him to be happy will make anyone see you as much more desirable and attractive...there really is something to that "if you love something, let it go" saying. I think NG may be using his ex and this extended trip as a test to determine if you have the self-assuredness, self-sufficiency, and self-respect not to put up for one minute with having to compete in any way for a guy. Regardless of whether you still want to be with NG, telling him he MIGHT still have a chance if he calls you once he's made a final decision is the outcome that makes you seem the most confident, dignified, and independent. He'll either come crawling back respecting you more than ever and begging for forgiveness after realizing how rare and amazing a woman he found but didn't recognize at first, or else he'll leave you alone (which he would have done anyway, but at least this way you'll have your dignity intact and have put him in his place).

I hope it's some consolation that you didn't sleep for NG before this happened, though I'm sure it still really hurts and makes you angry. I'm really sorry, Sophia--it never ceases to amaze me how seemingly great people can do mean and insensitive things right out of the blue, so I guess we should all be prepared for the worst in the dating jungle and hope to be pleasantly surprised? All in all, I guess people's dramatic turnarounds and inconsistencies make it so we're better off going slow when it comes to physical intimacy--at least until you really feel like you know and trust your partner. Then again, even that feeling can't always be trusted, so in some ways I wonder why we should ever bother waiting at all? I guess all we can really do is try to be true to ourselves and what makes us happy and comfortable, and once we set such boundaries, then don't be afraid to stick up for them and ourselves if our wishes are disrespected or violated. But in the end, unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any way to care about others and indulge our feelings and instincts but at the same time have a guarantee that we won't make ourselves vulnerable to getting hurt :confused:.

Wow, well guys, sorry to write such a bummer post--it's been hitting me hard lately to see how relationships with great potential can have a dramatic turnaround or even end all in a very short space of time. It's surreal and very nerve-wrecking to get that feeling in the pit of your stomach like, uh oh, this isn't going to work--I've had a little taste of that with Justin two weekends ago, when his obnoxious drunk friend and his own beer buzz made me question whether he was really the guy for me, and then again last weekend when I got angry at him for essentially no reason whatsoever, and he respondeds with some of the same points and questions I'd raised the weekend before. OK, well I think I should post an update on my other thread about how I'm feeling about all this stuff because I don't want to impose any further on your thread, Sophia. I am really feeling bad for you and wish I was in your neck of the woods so we could go out for some drinks, gossip, and guy-watching a la Sex and the City ;)...by the way, please let me be Samantha? I don't have anything in common with the other characters except for being nerdy like Miranda :oso who are you if you have to pick characters, my cyber relatives and buddies, and what have you been up to lately when it comes to guys? Sophia, please hang in there and don't make any impulsive decisions you may regret before you have a chance to weigh a varety of different alternatives that may be better choices. And always remember that you have lots of good friends here wishing you all the best, Sophia, and I personally have no doubt that you will make it through this wiser than ever, with more insight into men than before. Anyway, have a great week everyone!
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Where exactly is this business trip??? And when exactly does he leave and when does he get back???

I don't think that Stacy meant any harm in her use of the word "slimy". ;) Your friends here are just very protective of you and any guy who plays with your feelings and hurts you has to deal with us. :D

I think we're all second guessing oursleves here. I would like to know that you are going to get a good night's sleep tonite and not allow NG to cause you any more distress....I know, easier said than done, but there's really nothing you can do until he "clears is head". Except leave your options open to meeting somebody who will make it easier to make up your mind on what to do about NG. :jester:

BTW...Goody may be heading out to NYC this weekend to celebrate a good friend's 40th birthday. We may stay at the Marriot Marquis after going to a comedy club. Any recommendations???? The plans are not yet finalized....her husband is making the arrangements and I should know more tomorrow. I think we both could use a good laugh.

Hang in there, my friend. As many of your friends have already said....confidence is a must and don't allow NG to make you feel any other way. Hope you get some better sleep tonight. (((HUGS))) ~ Goody[/QUOTE]

Goody, he's leaving on Friday and coming back on July 24th or 25, I believe. The conference ends on the 21st, but he's taking a couple of extra days to just enjoy the beaches there, since it's all paid for by his company.

I so much appreciate that you and other great friends on the board are so wonderfully supportive and trying to lift my spirits up. I think Stacy also made a good point that he just "wants to live in his bubble." The sentence really stood out to me, and I think it is partially because of our different backgrounds that NG might be having his doubts about this. I think his ex grew up in the same kind of privileged neighborhood and belongs to the same social class as NG does. I, on the other hand, come from a poor family and own nothing. My only assett is my education, which I am still completing. NG's friends own boats and houses, and take trips to Martha's Vineyard in their spare time. Do you see the discrepancy? I just don't belong in his perfect "bubble." I would be embarrassed to introduce him to my family, especially my mom who lives in a not so nice area and basically struggles to make ends meet, and is not in the least bit a sophisticated woman. My sister is married to a guy with two pittbulls who's covered in tattoos. You get the picture. I think this is the main problem with me: I often attract men who are "out of my class" because I can speak, act, and dress a certain way, and they probably have the wrong impression about my background. I would actually prefer to meet a guy who, like myself, comes from modest means and everything he accomplished is due to his own efforts and intelligence. I think he would be able to understand and relate to me more. But, so far, I haven't met such a man. Although, my last ex-boyfriend sort of fit that bill. His parents were working-class immigrants who worked very hard for years to offer their kids a decent standard of living and education. My ex-bf was very brilliant and is now a successful lawyer, but I don't feel intimidated by him or his friends. I just really can't see how it would ever work between myself and NG (sigh), so it's probably best if I end it now and save myself the heartache. I do think he's overall a good guy; I just don't belong in his circle.

Goody, as far as comedy clubs, I would recommend Dangerfield's. What kind of food do you like? There are soo many choices in NYC as far as restaurants go. But I think you just have to have Sunday brunch at this place called Alice Tea Cup on 73rd and Columbus (it's decorated in the theme of Alice from Wonderland). They have a huge selection of all kinds of exotic teas and their food is delicious (chicken curry sandwich is yummy!). I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time in the city!





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