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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hey Sophia!
You're getting such wonderful advice from everyone, I don't know what else I can add! Except this. The decision to give him another chance is a big one that you're really going to have to look into your heart to make. There are risks involved either way, and there's a lot to consider. The way he acted like nothing happened was odd and could mean many different things. Don't overburden your already confused mind trying to figure out why he acted that way. You will just make yourself exhausted of the situation and unable to think clearly about the main decision you need to make.
You need to decide just how much faith you have in this guy and just how much you're willing to go through. Everyone has a breaking point where enough is enough. You'll know when you get there. I was unhappy in a relationship for an entire year before I got to my breaking point and it just "felt right" to break up. Does it feel right to you to walk away from this guy? Or can you honestly handle waiting a little longer and giving him another shot?
Spend some time alone with your thoughts and try to determine just where your "breaking point" is. When is enough enough? How long are you going to give him to make up his mind before it's time to grab your remaining pride and hit the road? The choice is up to you. While you don't want to get hurt by giving him another chance, you also don't want to miss out if you back away before you're emotionally "spent". Does that make any sense? I guess I'm trying to say to hang in there as long as you possibly can until you know in your heart that you've had enough and the decision comes a little easier. If nothing else comes of it, you will have strengthened your heart that much more and learned that much more about yourself.
Relationships are not easy at all. In fact, sometimes I wonder why we even bother! Even when we are so completely consumed with happiness, there's always something negative that creeps in, whether it be doubt, jealousy, insecurity, or whatever. The most important thing is to know the chances you are comfortable taking. Just how much are you willing to risk?
[QUOTE=LostMyHeart]Where's the humanity aspect in that approach? After all, we are all only humans?
So what - one strike and you're out?

I know I've messed up, and needed second chances in life. I'd certainly give someone else the same opportunity I would want them to give me.


I was one of these women at one time, but even so, when all is said and done, I don't regret not one single day I gave to this guy.
I also believe, the more demanding I tried to be with him, to more he backed off me. Some people really do need someone who can just be understanding towards them.

If Sophia does not wish to be the understanding one any longer, I can understand that, but I don't think being demanding of this guy is going to help the situation, that is if Sophia wants to remain involved with this guy.[/QUOTE]

You're missing my point, here...no one ever said anything about not giving out second chances. All I said was that NG needs to demonstrate that he's sorry for putting her through this and tell her it's definitely in the past, or else Sophia will be setting herself to get walked all over from now on if she takes him back gratefully with no questions asked. All this understanding, if you remember, has caused Sophia a lot more upheaval and heartbreak than I like to see any of my friends go through, and if NG doesn't make it clear he's not going to put her through anymore pain, I don't think he deserves another chance. How long is she going to be the only one being understanding, while he's getting to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants whenever he wants? Some of you ladies seem so terrified of being demanding as if that is what keeps you alone and prevents you from establishing happy and lasting relationships, when it's actually much more accurate that NOT being demanding enough that keeps you from being happy and in love.

LMH, your experience actually proves exactly what I'm trying to say here...if my memory is correct, you are referring to an ex who put you through so much pain that you still have not recovered from the breakup a year or two later? So if your being demanding pushed a guy who didn't make you feel consistently adored and prized, leaving you with no need to be demanding rather than understanding, then your being more demanding would have saved you at least some of the torment he caused you, right? Do you not regret your time with your ex because you still love him and haven't gotten over him or because he treated you wonderfully and lovingly the entire time you knew him? I highly doubt it's the latter or you'd still be together, but I take it he still left despite all your patience and forgiveness. Therefore at least being demanding would have caused you to devote less time to the relationship, which in turn would have given you more time to move on and perhaps meet a man who treated you with the love and respect you deserve. I don't mean to make incorrect assumptions about your particular situation, but this pattern has repeated itself over and over again with many women here who have been hurt by men who treated them badly and who quite sadly still believe his leaving was their fault for not being more accepting and patient. Maybe men do need someone to be understanding, but if they really loved a woman, they'd treat her well enough that she wouldn't need to be more understanding and less demanding--THAT's my point, not that we should all go around being high-maintenance drama queens. Again, it sounds like being understanding only caused you more pain in the end by prolonging the inevitable heartbreak of being dumped by someone who didn't treat you with devoted love and commitment throughout your relationship...I've seen this with far too many women and I just don't want it to happen with Sophia and NG. I just don't see why some of you think Sophia should continue to be endlessly patient and understanding with NG when that strategy so far has brought her (along with many other heartbroken lonely female posters here and just about every other woman who tried to ignore or excuse a man's disrespectful and inconsiderate treatment of her) nothing but insecurity, doubt, hurt, and confusion. It's not a question of being "humane" to these men--it's a question of when YOU need to put your foot down and insist that they treat YOU with the humane, respectful, and caring treatment we all deserve. When women are doing all the understanding and forgiving in a particular, there is little doubt in my mind that they will inevitably be left behind heartbroken and alone. My way, by contrast, has resulted in nothing but happy relationships with kind, considerate, and adoring men who have never shied away from treating me with devotion and respect. I've never been single for long at all, and every man I liked has wanted to pursue a lasting, loving, and fulfilling relationship with me because I demanded that kind of wonderful treatment. This just hasn't been the case with women who don't demand to be treated well, because they attract the men who aren't able or willing to treat women well. I believe this has been a consistent problem for Sophia, and I'm just a concerned friend trying to ensure she protects herself as best she can against it happening again--there's nothing inhumane about that :rolleyes:.





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