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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=LittleRose1982]His e-mail is actually very sincere. Like I said, he's not a bad guy Sophia. He's just confused. At least he's being honest with you, and it does sound like he's exhibiting some maturity through all this. At the same time, however, he is still looking to hang onto your attention. He just "understands" if you don't want to. He's putting the ball in your court, and I still think you should hold your head high and tell him that while you appreciate his openness and honesty, you simply won't hang around while he makes up his mind. Tell him you're glad you got to know him, and you had a great time with him, but that he's not exactly what you're looking for right now because it seems he still has an attachment to his ex.

He probably loves that he has a "choice" right now. Take that choice away from him! If you FORCE him to choose her (so to speak), as a result do you really think he'll want her all that much??[/QUOTE]

Once again, I totally agree...I'm sure he does love having several different options and is hoping very much that neither of you will demand that he make a choice. That's all well and good for him, but what about what you want? I can't imagine it makes you feel good about yourself that he doesn't seem to be able to decide for sure that he'd rather be with you than with an ex, or even that he wants to date anyone exclusively at this point. I think Hiya makes a good point and I agree that he's not a bad guy or anything, and if you weren't emotionally attached to him, I might suggest that you take a wait and see approach. However, I'm not at all comfortable suggesting that considering that it gives him another chance to hurt you without providing you with any guarantee of commitment. I just think it's really demeaning for him to expect you to wait around hoping that he'll decide that his ex is actually, not just possibly, irrelevant to him. If I was you, I'd be thinking, well gee thanks for the opportunity to be on your back burner and hope you pick me in the end even though when we started dating, you wanted to see me exclusively. I guess that was only until another option came up...but still, how can he not see what an idiot he is being for not throwing himself at your feet begging for your forgiveness and a chance to make it up to you? I just don't get how he could not be sure that you're the woman for him given all you have to offer...how is there even a question in his mind whether he'd rather go back to an ex who didn't treat him that well before?

I really have a hard time seeing him as the right guy for you now that he's put you through this ordeal and is still unwilling or unable to apologize, admit he was a fool, and grovel for another chance with you. I am just so sorry that this has happened to you, Sophia, and can't stress enough that you deserve SO much better--there honestly are some great men out there who would thank god for the chance to date you and be sickened by the thought of allowing an ex to threaten that opportunity. Anyway, in my opinion, he doesn't deserve a response...let him sweat and wonder nervously what you're thinking the whole time he's gone. He had no qualms about putting you through that turmoil and stress, and while I usually don't advocate playing games, I think NG needs a taste of his own medicine very badly. I might react differently if his email had contained an apology and a promise to exclude all other women from his dating life, but as it is, I don't think he's done nearly enough to make this up to you and doesn't deserve any kindness or consideration from you (at the very least) until he makes up his mind for good. You are not the kind of woman who has to settle for waiting around hoping that a man picks her over another woman who popped into the picture after he promised to see you exclusively--you are not the kind of woman who has to settle period! And certainly not the kind of woman who should ever have to put up with ANY competition with another woman for your man. Any man worthy of you will appreciate you for the amazing woman and great catch that you are--he'll be so crazy about you that the idea of trading you in for an ex is repugnant to him, not something he needs weeks to ponder while keeping you hanging on his decision. NG needs to know in no uncertain terms that the way he's treating you is completely unacceptable to any woman, but especially to a wonderful woman like you with tons of guys who would jump at the chance to date her.

But he doesn't even deserve the courtesy of you spelling that out, now that I think about it--he should come to that realization on his own if he is to have another shot with you, and the only way that's going to happen is if he has time to miss you and wonder if he's blown it for good. He definitely doesn't deserve any kindness or reassurance from you. Don't forget how distant he was being when you were being nice and understanding, how you had to wait around just to get an explanation why he was avoiding you, then after he told you about the ex thing, he still didn't make any effort to see you, apologize, and reassure you, and how finally you had to dump him to get even this ambivalent, wishy-washy response. While I agree with Hiya that I'm not quite sure what I'd do in your position, I do know I wouldn't let him off the hook until he had for sure learned his lesson and knew he's never have another chance if he EVER let me down again. GRR...I was such a big fan of NG before, but now he's really turned me off by putting you through all this. I wish I was there in person to knock some sense through his thick skull!

LR--I don't think you're doomed, not at all--I'm thrilled that you finally found a great guy that you love with all your heart :). I definitely think you're making the right decision not to go along tonight--girlfriends should never, ever, ever tag along when guys are getting together without any other women present. This makes the guy look like a whipped little wimp and his GF seem controlling, clingy and needy for not letting him out of her sight for even one night--I'm certainly not agreeing with this, but trust me, I think just about every guy would feel this way even if he was too polite to common. I strongly urge you to let your guy have his nights out with friends alone so that he can save face with his friends and avoid ridicule, plus, I'm sure you'll have a much better time with your friends than with a group of guys awkwardly trying to keep their conversation female-friendly all the while resenting your BF for not having the spine to tell you it's guys only that night. It's also so much better for your relationship if you both maintain separate social lives on occasion, and make sure to keep up your friendships outside the relationship. One of the biggest mistakes I made with Patrick wasn't so much moving in together right away and getting serious very quickly, but getting totally absorbed in each other to the point where we neglected or ignored just about everything else in our lives. Looking back, this is very unhealthy--a relationship should be between two independent partners with their own lives, friends, hobbies, and interests, not an all-consuming bond between two people who have fused together into one entity. Anyway, for what it's worth, LR, I think you have a great thing going with Nick, but the best way to sustain your love over time and build a healthy foundation for a long-term relationship is to make sure you maintain some space and time for just yourself. Give yourselves some time to miss each other and to do things apart to keep your relationship fresh, have new things to talk about when you're together, and appreciate your time together much more than you would if you were inseparable. I hope this helps a bit...your relationship reminds me SO much of what I had with Patrick that I wanted to share my perspective in the hopes of helping you avoid the same mistakes I made. It's so tempting to glue yourself to a new BF when you meet someone you fall hard for, but I do think you run a pretty high risk of burning out by spending every single minute together. According to my experiences and observations, couples have a much better chance of staying together when they maintain their own lives outside the relationship and do not give into their urge to do nothing but hang out together. Though it's hard to imagine at first, that does eventually get old, and it can be a rude awakening (especially for men, I think, who can freak out and bolt at this point) when a few years down the road, you realize you have no life whatsoever outside of your partner. I don't think you should be worried, but definitely go with your instincts to spend some time alone and not get too intertwined with Nick too soon. I think you guys have wonderful potential and wish you all the luck in the world!





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