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[QUOTE=SophiaM]You know LittleRose, these are PRECISELY the thoughts I was having today. I couldn't really sleep that well last night (ok, I got 2 hours, that's something), so my brain might not be functioning at its optimal level, but I just can't help but feel SO disappointed that he even has to think about this. I wish he would tell her to get lost without having to go away to clear his head. It's not like they broke up a month ago--it was more than half a year ago, so I would think he should be able to decide quicker than this. The fact he pulled away to such an extent that he did and is now needing to think about this shows me that he is at least considering the possibility of going back with her. I don't care how much logical sense it makes to me, I still don't like it one bit.

Believe it or not, I WAS actually thinking about telling him tonight that I cannot date him at this time, when he's obviously still emotionally attached to his ex. I'm torn between waiting till he comes back and just telling him now that I'm not interested in dating anyone who's not emotionally ready for it. I mean, let's say he comes back and says he's choosing me, am I supposed to jump up and down for joy and wag my tail like a puppy who just got his favorite biscuit? I really, really resent having to compete with some ex girlfriend over a guy. See, this is what I'm most afraid of is that even if he comes back and wants to be with me, I will not be as enthusiastic about him anymore simply because I just don't feel like he's crazy about me. Nobody who's absolutely smitten with me would need to think about getting back with an ex who supposedly wasn't treating him so well. I just can't be happy about this situation either way:([/QUOTE]

Hi there Sophia,

I'm so outraged and upset for you that NG would pull something like this just when you were opening up to him and starting to feel attached. I can't imagine how he let things get to this point rather than being honest with both you and his ex all along, and I'm bordering on no longer being much of a fan of his :nono:. I wish I could have posted sooner in response to some very kind comments like Goody's last night, but today was very busy and my internet access has been flaky. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to write sooner--how are you doing, Sophia? Please remember that we are all here for you whenever you want to vent, ask questions, etc.--it's okay to wallow now and try to come to some sense of resolution regarding NG. Have you come to any conclusions about how you want to respond to him from now on, or if you're going to wait until after his trip or talk to him before he leaves? For what it's worth, I agree with Little Rose's advice and some of the other posters who agreed with you that you deserve better treatment--no woman should ever have to lower her dignity by competing for a man's interest! In fact, I don't think there is much that is a bigger turnoff to men than seeing women size each other up jealously, hearing them compare themselves to other women and beg for reassurance (do you think she's pretty? prettier than ME?), or otherwise feeling even the tiniest bit threatened by other women, who she doesn't even consider competition. Truly confident women with high self-esteem believe deep down that they are an excellent catch and that many men would love to have them, and this is one important component of inner beauty and confidence that everyone finds attractive and appealing.

My point here is that first of all, you deserve a guy who would never pull a mean and immature stunt like this regarding an ex (or any other woman, for that matter). Come on, he's been broken up with her for twice as long as I've been split from Patrick, and so I really don't think the whole rebound thing is any excuse. Either he never took the time and bothered to use his energy to move on, or he never cared about her all that much but now that she knows he has you, he's all of a sudden interested in her for the simple reason that she seems to be throwing herself at him. He’d have to be really blind not to see why she’s putting such an effort into rekindling their relationship now of all times, and so suddenly after seeing you guys together. I don’t know…to me there seem like a few different possible scenarios could be occurring with NG, and I’m not happy about any of them. So while I definitely think you deserve some answers, I also think you’re probably better off telling NG that he can call you if and only if he gets his head straight and wants to be with you exclusively again. If you are still single, you’ll consider giving him a second chance…that is definitely as nice as I would possibly be to NG if I was in your shoes.

That is both because he doesn’t deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect by you now after dangling a lot of promises in front of you then letting you down big time and because the first possible reason why he might be doing this that comes to mind is as a test of sorts. The way he’s been acting lately reminds me of a man who is uncertain about whether the woman he is dating is right for him—he seems kind of concerned that you will demand more of his time and energy than he is willing to give up, or infringe on his freedom and ability to travel light in life more than he wants. I don’t think you are—it seems more like he’s the one with the issues here …but still, he may have told you about his ex to see if you would react by acting clingy and jealous towards him or if you were the confident and independent woman he wanted and would therefore respond by telling him that you can do better and to get lost. He could also be seeing how threatened you get by other women, whether exes or platonic friends or coworkers, to see how much latitude he’ll have to be around other women without you being jealous, or see if you have the self-esteem not to lower yourself by comparing yourself, or competing, against any other women—you are better than that, and the right man for you will continually act like you are the only woman in the room. That’s the bottom line here, and I am really happy that you see how much better you deserve from the man in your life.

Anyway, whatever his reasons, NG’s behavior was really rude and slimy in my book, though I do grudgingly agree with whoever praised him for at least being honest. Still, none of us should ever waste another minute on a man whose only reaction to his ex resuming contact is to tell her politely that he is involved and happy with someone else now. If he has to think about it at all…well, I don’t think any of us like the implications of that! In your case, Sophia, I might consider giving him another chance if he decides for sure that he wants to be with you and make it up to you, but I’m not sure I see him having the confidence and astuteness to do so…maybe he’s just happier never leaving his little bubble world where he’s already dated all the female inhabitants? I am sorry if this came across as a little blunt; I’m not the best at being sympathetic but I do feel for you big time, Sophia. Unfortunately, as you said, neither of your options are all that great when it comes to NG, but I know one thing you should definitely do: go back to online dating and being willing to consider other date proposals from those cute guys on the street who can’t take their eyes off of you! :D

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