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Sophia ~ This is just one of those times that Goody would like to hold your hand. I know that you are far more deserving of somebody who has his life in order and not full of confusion. I have been here with you for sometime now and you have been through the ringer with guys who are unsure and giving you mixed signals, ex's calling you out of the blue wanting to see you again andthen walking away.....enough is enough. Leave my friend, Sophia, alone!!!!

I don't have any magic answers except that this sucks and NG is a fool for allowing an ex to steer him away from somebody as caring and wonderful as YOU. All I can say is that you are right in the sense that if he were as crazy about you as you would like, he wouldn't be such a smuck and leave you tormented wondering which way he is going to go. Unless he returns with a way of telling you and showing you that he was a complete idiot for not seeing this ex's motives and that he is going to make it up to you....I think that there is little else he can do to restore your faith in him. I think you basically know that he has lost major points with you and most likely he will be unable to earn them back unless he does something outstanding to win your heart back. I know that you put alot into this in terms of hope but it could have been much worse. And you are right....I didn't leave Tom hanging and feeling confused as NG has done to you.

I wish I could help more, Sophia. Realguy may be right in the sense that NG has too many issues and I would hate to believe that he might be going away with the ex. Do you think that is a possibility from your phone conversations??? And I think it is best that you don't answer his calls. You really don't know what to say and you are giving him time to "clear his head". You are in no condition to talk.

The more I think about it the more I feel that you deserve a guy without the emotional baggage. He may be great looking and a nice guy, but he is not making you feel like #1. And you deserve to be a guys #1.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Good Morning, Sophia :wave: First things first.....((((HUGS)))) I think you could use them big time. Okay, now that we have that out of the way I just want to say that you ought to lay off the worries of social classes and all. You are who you are and it's time to stop worrying about how it's going to be when a guy meets your parents. If you start adding that to your list you are just going to drive yourself & us crazy :eek: Let me tell you something....my family lived pretty much hand to mouth when I was growing up. I had to pay for my own education and came out with student loans and all. We didn't have any extras just the bare necessities but my parents were proud of me and when I finally got through those teenage years and saw how much they pushed me and supported me to achieve more than they did, I was proud of them too. ;) Tom's family came from the nice neighborhood and were well off. But they had worked for that having grown up in the Bronx. I must say I was quite nervous when it came for our parents to meet.....it was sorta like the hillbillies meeting the Rockerfellers :eek: However, the one thing I loved about Tom's family was that they were not the showey offey people who had money. They were more down to earth type of people sorta like Oprah, who knew that it wasn't always this way and made their children work like everyone else & didn't just go handing things to them. I guess that earned alot of respect from me until they tried moving in with me :jester:

Anyway....what I am trying to say is that you need to pick the things to worry about and disregard the things that you shouldn't. Any guy who falls in love with you won't care about your parents other than the fact that they brought you into the world and gave him the wonderful opportunity of meeting YOU. I know you worry about your mom being divorced as well.....when you have 50% of marriages ending that's a very good statistic of meeting somebody with divorced parents. You need to try to relax and look at the person that you are and see that she's made something wonderful of herself and should be proud of that person. And when the time comes that your Mr. Right meets your family he won't give a hoot because it is you that he loves and automatically your family will be loved by him too because they are part of you.

I must agree with Greeneyes in the sense that NG must still care about you, otherwise he would stop the calls. He told you his conflict and trusted you enough with it. It would be so easy for him to just walk away after telling you since he gave you a reason but for some reason he isn't. I don't want to give you false hopes but I still think that he has some integrity...he opened up with you and trusted you with his conflict. He didn't sleep with you either which is honorable to mention. And he is calling you which he really doesn't have to do. Put that together and we have a confused guy who still cares for you. Perhaps he couldn't be the guy showing his feelings until he resolves this issue. I am guessing here but I don't think he has closure with his ex. Seeing someone and seeing that the relationship is no longer viable is important before we can move on to another. NG needs this and do not be surprised if he sees his ex one more time when he returns....he will need to in order to make it clear that he no longer sees her as part of his future. This meeting will be a must and will require understanding on your part. You say that I didn't do what NG is doing to ou with Tom. We are all different in the way we handle things. I am guessing that NG was really wanting to marry this girl and she said no. Now all of a sudden she is interested in him......that is major confusion for a man and double for an engineer ;)

Okay....now what I really need to say is that you need to realize that you really have very little control over this situation other than how you react to it. If you alow it to shake your confidence it leaves nothing shining for NG or for the next guy that apporaches you in the streets of NYC. :D Okay....you got thrown a curve ball happens alot in life.....do your best to catch it and follow through. That's all you can do...the rest is just out of your hands. You have had a few days to react to this now you can do one of two things....allow it to knock you to the ground or rise up above it with confidence knowing that you are still the wonderful Sophia that we love and care for. I'm voting for the latter.

Thanks for the info regarding the city...we already have plans to eat at a classy italian restaurant that the birthday girl's son is a waiter at. He is going to be our personal waiter and my friend is going to be surprised. The restaurant is in Roslyn (where Goody was born BTW) but our plans of going into the city may be switched to a "Big Chill" night at Goody's summerhouse. The plans in the city, may be a bit much for everyone financially....but we are still trying to make a final decision on that. Bottom line being together is what matters most. I will definitely mention Dangerfields.....do you have to eat there or can you just go for the show???

I hope my post and those before me allow you to see things a little better. I still think that you shouldn't talk to NG until you are able to do so with confidence. A few missed phone calls may be just what he needs in order for him to see things a little more clearly. ;)

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody :wave:
Thanks so much again, guys! You have NO idea just how much your support and caring means to me. I just got back from a nice evening out with friends and sure enough, there's a message from NG sounding as if he's completely oblivious to everything, just saying he wanted to call before he leaves for his trip tomorrow and asking me to call him back. Nothing in the tone of his voice or the content of the phone message indicates that he has received my email, and yet, how could he not? No response from him in my email account, either :confused: I sent it last night to his personal account, not his work account, and I am pretty sure he checks his emails quite regularly because in the past, he would respond to them in a matter of an hour or two. I don't know what to make of this, but I figured if he had time to call in the evening, he could have had time to go out with me before he leaves also. So I don't think I'm going to call him back at all. Although, a part of me is curious if he's just going to pretend as if he never got my email from last night.

BlueEyedLady, he's not going to Florida; he's going to one of the U.S. Virgin Islands, if that makes any difference. I only found out about this trip last week, so I don't think there were any "original" plans that were changed or not. But I also find it somewhat hard to believe that this is indeed a business-related trip. She might be going with him or not; I have no idea. Who the hell cares. Let him have her if that's what he wants. I am not going to drive myself crazy thinking about this anymore. Oh, and btw, yes, he was making some comments about not ever getting married, but minutes later he would make completely contradictory comments about how it will be when he is married with a family. So, I think he just doesn't know what he wants, really.

Soulster, you're right, I find it quite bizarre that he won't make plans to go out with me and is telling me about all his "confusion," and yet he keeps calling every day. I don't know why he's doing this either. He did say he wanted to go out with me and take me to the U.S. Open once he's back from the trip, but that's not for another month or so.

Stacy, you're so right: I agree that I deserve a guy who has all the good characteristics that NG possessed but is also totally crazy about me. That would be the ideal, and thank you for reminding me that this is what I should be striving for in a relationship and not settling for anything inferior.

I'm off to bed now; I'm simply exhausted. Thank you again and have a good night everyone :wave:
[QUOTE=BLUE EYED LADY]From what you have shared with us, you have gone through alot of difficult things in your childhood, as many of us had that post on this board. I believe that we really need to have healing from our past before we can have true happiness in our future. Please think about what I am saying to determine if you think there are things that are still hurting you and causing you pain. The way to determine true healing I believe, is when we can think about something painful in our childhood or past and not feel that sharp stab of pain with the memory. Somethimes we have to rehash things of the past to move on to a brighter future. (Please forgive me if I am offending you in any way.) I just want to make sure there are no obstacles of any kind hindering you from finding true love.
Also, I want to tell you that I think you are amazing to have studied and worked so hard to overcome the obstacles from your past. You are an intelligent, caring, stylish, and beautiful woman that WILL capture the heart of the RIGHT man no matter how much money he may have or what wonderful lifestyle he may be accustomed to. You deserve the best. Never sell yourself short and never settle for less than you deserve. Personally, I much more admire the men and women that have accompished alot by their own efforts, not because it was handed down to them. Any decent man will admire and appreciate that about you as well.
Keep your chin up Sophia and keep on dreaming, because dreams can come true. :angel:
Love,
Blue Eyed Lady[/QUOTE]

Sophia ~ I think that with everything going on you may have overlooked some of the great things that Blue had to say above. Now, Goody has known you for a long time and I have often heard you say yourself that it seems that you always go for the wrong type of guy....one that in your very own words is going to abandon you like your dad and stepfather did. We are your friends here who hold what you share with us here in the utmost of confidence. That is why I brought what Blue had to say back for you to read because perhaps there is some validity in the fact that there are issues and hurts in your past that need some addressing before you go into the next relationship.

I had to do this before going into my relationship with Tom and it was the best thing that I ever did for myself and for him as well. Fixing myself and making myself whole again was the best that I could give him. We need to give the best in a relationship. When we are less than our best our relationship is as well. Just some food for thought ;)

As far as calling NG....I wouldn't. :nono: It would just put you in a compromising position. Your not calling him and his reading his email in due time will get the message across and also allow you time to work this all out in your head and in your heart.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody :wave:
[QUOTE=SophiaM] I am feeling very discouraged today and can't really see the bigger picture at all. Yeah, I'll see what happens, I guess. I don't think he received my last email because I sent it on the day he left for the trip.[/QUOTE] Hi, Sophia. I am sorry to see that you are having such a rough time of it. I know that you really care about NG and I must admit from the looks of things it looks like this trip is everything but business. It's monkey business if you ask Goody and I am not one to tolereate deceit when it comes to relationships. I mean, if you need to clear your head and you're bringing your ex then be honest. I mean, let's face it, if he was deceitful and on top of that unsure of his felings for you vs. his ex he should be totally honest with you and tell you that he's not over her and needs to let you go, not leave you hanging. :nono: The big picture as painful as it is to see is he doesn't have the ability to be exclusive with you and is not going to be making you feel like #1 until he has no other choice. And I think that stinks because you deserve so much better. I don't know what his last email said.....I believe that he said something like he isn't ready to let you go & hopes to speak to you before he leaves and I bgot the impression that he didn't receive the pink slip email that you sent from his response, am I right???

This is painful but unfortunately there is nothing you can do until you hear from him again. I think that you are definitely going to need some face to face or at the very least some telephone cosure on all of this. Otherwise I see you being tormented for a very long time and I don't want that for you.

[QUOTE=SophiaM]I miss talking to him, I must say. He was calling me every day before and I was looking forward to that phonecall each night. Now there's nothing to look forward to. Only working my butt off and studying. Every day is more or less the same. I'm burnt out and would love to go on vacation in August but can't really afford anything with the limited graduate student budget I'm on. Sometimes I question why I even started this program and now I'm in so much debt from student loans that it scares me. :eek:[/QUOTE] Goody knows what you're going through. After college while working in NYC at NY Hospital I was going through a broken engagement. The guy still sent me flowers and called me from Germany where he was stationed.....he was as confused as NG not over an ex but confidence issues and had me confused as well. My heart was in a tug of war for the longest of times but working and keeping busy definitely helped. And if it helps....I out myself through college all on my own with help of my parents getting financial aid and student loans etc. I did work study and paid them all off and couldn't feel prouder for having done so. I want you to feel the same...and you really should. You have managed to rise up above your past and to go about setting a furture that you will always be proud of. Don't allow NG or any man bring you down enough to ever forget that. You will meet someone, Sophia, that will love and care about you just as much as you do them. And you should expect nothing less.

Now...you never addressed my last post to you.....and I have a feeling as bluntly as some may put it you may need to work on some things within yourself before finding your Mr. Right. I did so and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

These are the times that I wish that we could meet up and I could be there in person as your friend to hug you & tell you that everything is going to be okay. Do not be desperate enough to go back to that "toxic" friend. I am sure she have nothing comforting to say and you need a better friend than that even if it's a cyber one like ME!!!! ;)

Just as a distraction....we never ended up going into the city this weekend. We did have reservations at a place called Caroline's to see some comedian named Collins but ended up taking a road trip together in a van and going to a great italian place in Roslyn where my friends son works and who personally waited on our table. Goody was feeling pretty good as was everyone else and we took the van back to our summerhouse where we had a "Big Chill" sleepover with 4 other couples. One of the guys plays the guitar & we sang our favorite songs for most of the night and had a wonderful time. I almost wanted to steer that van into NYC and pick you up....we would have made you forget about NG for at least a little while. :D

You're going to be okay, Sophia. You need to focus on yourself, keep your confidence up and see what happens once NG returns. Meanwhile you do what makes you most happy and know that we are here for you. ~ Goody :wave:
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Sophia, I don’t think your email to NG was any real news for him. It merely said what he must have figured you would feel and do after he announced his “confusion”. He knew he was in deep doo-doo with you, period.

I think the call was mainly to get a feel for your current attitude towards him… he must have wondered, after this much time to think, if you would even talk to him much less ever see him again. His calling you quickly after his return, having a gift for you and wanting to see you soon, when taken together, seem to indicate he is still quite interested in you.

My best guess is you can expect a lot of groveling from him when you next see him. Groveling is done best face-to-face.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Heartland, the last paragraph of your post made me laugh--I hope you're right :D Then again, I really don't know what to expect. When he can be so "confused" when I treated him well, was very patient, never pressured him to talk about his "feelings" or anything, and never complained about anything, maybe he's just not so into me :( It makes me sad because I just don't know what the heck I'm doing wrong that every guy I'm attracted to doesn't work out. I made mistakes in the past, but this time I thought I was doing everything "right." Looks like the only men who fall in love with me are those that I have no romantic interest in. I'm very frustrated with that. He didn't call me last night, when he used to call every day, or even more than once a day, so I wouldn't exactly classify that as "groveling behavior."

Do you think he would have respected me more if I refused to speak to him at all? Maybe he now thinks I'm a pushover.
Stacy, you're so sweet, and I absolutely LOVE and appreciate your advice! Yes, I would love you to be my cyber sister! :bouncing: In a way, I am the only child too, because my sister is really my half-sister and we have very little in common other than just being related to each other.

I admit, I AM quite insecure, despite what I feel objectively that I deserve. It must stem from how my mom was extremely critical and demanding of me growing up. The only positive thing that came from that is that I am more ambitious than a lot of people I know, and I'm somewhat of a perfectionist (it could be a bad thing, too). Sadly, I'm also my own worst critic and I often feel guilty for something, even if I intellectually know I didn't do anything wrong. For example, now I feel a vague feeling of guilt for yelling at my ex and calling him names the last time he called me a couple of weeks ago. For some reason, I feel bad and want to make up, even though I know he didn't deserve a better treatment from me.

As for NG...I don't know. I am so torn...It was so promising and I really liked him on so many levels. Would you not ever consider working things out with him if you were in my shoes? Perhaps I really do have very low demands, and I'm not even aware of it. See, I still feel like he's such a great guy for not trying to take advantage of me and then dump me heartlessly, that I feel like he's worth to at least to be given more time. I honestly don't think I'm mature or that I know enough about relationships to make good decisions for myself. It's a lot easier to advise other people, but I myself am truly blind to what's best for me. I just cannot be objective in my own case :confused: I might be terribly wrong again, but I just thought he was so different from the other guys I dated...Maybe I'm idealizing again...(sigh).
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Stacy, you're so sweet, and I absolutely LOVE and appreciate your advice! Yes, I would love you to be my cyber sister! :bouncing: In a way, I am the only child too, because my sister is really my half-sister and we have very little in common other than just being related to each other.

I admit, I AM quite insecure, despite what I feel objectively that I deserve. It must stem from how my mom was extremely critical and demanding of me growing up. The only positive thing that came from that is that I am more ambitious than a lot of people I know, and I'm somewhat of a perfectionist (it could be a bad thing, too). Sadly, I'm also my own worst critic and I often feel guilty for something, even if I intellectually know I didn't do anything wrong. For example, now I feel a vague feeling of guilt for yelling at my ex and calling him names the last time he called me a couple of weeks ago. For some reason, I feel bad and want to make up, even though I know he didn't deserve a better treatment from me.

As for NG...I don't know. I am so torn...It was so promising and I really liked him on so many levels. Would you not ever consider working things out with him if you were in my shoes? Perhaps I really do have very low demands, and I'm not even aware of it. See, I still feel like he's such a great guy for not trying to take advantage of me and then dump me heartlessly, that I feel like he's worth to at least to be given more time. I honestly don't think I'm mature or that I know enough about relationships to make good decisions for myself. It's a lot easier to advise other people, but I myself am truly blind to what's best for me. I just cannot be objective in my own case :confused: I might be terribly wrong again, but I just thought he was so different from the other guys I dated...Maybe I'm idealizing again...(sigh).[/QUOTE]

Hi big cyber sis! :wave:

I'm sorry to hear your mom was so tough on you growing up...I can't imagine how difficult it must be when the one person who is supposed to love and support you unconditionally fails at that responsibility. I'm really impressed and surprised at how well you've coped and thrived despite your mom's opposition...you really need to give yourself a lot more credit for all you've achieved and for the wonderful woman you've become, all on your own! I was actually thinking when I wrote my last post that you strike me as a perfectionist, at least to some degree, which helps explain why you expect so much of yourself in relationships. Yet you need to start holding the men you date to the same standards you hold yourself--you're an amazing, intelligent, talented, and beautiful woman who any man would be very lucky to date. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist to work on boosting your self-esteem and raising your standards in terms of what you require and demand from men? They really are only going to give you as much as you expect, and so far it doesn't sound like you've valued yourself nearly as highly (and perhaps that is why you've had lower standards as far as what kind of treatment is acceptable within your relationships?) than you should have.

I'm probably not the right person to ask about giving NG another chance, as I tend to go too far toward the other end of the spectrum in terms of demanding only the best treatment from men. That makes for more drama than it should from time to time, yet it has definitely worked for me in terms of never having to deal with a boyfriend disrespecting me or failing to treat me with love and consideration. The idea of a man getting my hopes up, telling me he wanted to see me exclusively, then pulling away, not telling me what's up until finally confessing that he's not sure if he wouldn't rather be with an ex makes my blood boil. Lots of people, like GE and Dido, have made good points in favor of giving NG another chance, but I'm not sure it's worth your time and emotional energy to get involved again with a man who could put you through such turmoil in such a short time. It bothers me a lot that he has ignored your email and is acting like he did nothing wrong and that nothing out of the ordinary has happened when the whole ex situation has caused you so much stress, confusion, and unhappiness. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'd never give him another chance, but I highly doubt that I wouldn't have told him to drop dead and leave me alone permanently when he first mentioned that he was debating whether to date me or go back to his ex. I just think we're both way too wonderful and highly desired to ever tolerate, even for a minute, being put in a position where we're competing with some other woman and not without a doubt the one and only woman in our men's lives. I don't think the fact that NG compares favorably to your exes should count in his favor--one thing my brilliant cyber-family has taught me today is that it's never good to compare one relationship to another rather than measuring it against itself for the unique entity it is. The only standard you should judge NG by is how he treats you, how he makes you feel about yourself, and how secure and cared for you feel around him. I don't happen to think he's shown you the respect and devotion tons of guys would kill for the opportunity to show you, but only you can decide what you will and won't stand for, and it's not my place to tell you what to do. I do think you should definitely raise your standards as far as how well you expect to be treated (and especially increase how kindly and generously you judge and treat yourself)!! You're awesome, and I think you deserve nothing but the best in every way...only you know if NG has the potential to treat you as wonderfully as you deserve to be treated. So far, he has a lot to make up for, and if he doesn't start worshipping the ground you walk on and constantly professing what a fool he was to ever question whether he'd rather be with another woman, I'd strongly suggest you cut him loose and find a man who will never doubt whether you're the woman he wants.





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