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I wanted to post in this section as I believe it would be better suited (I like people opinon here, my thread is based on a friendship/relationship.

Hi I need to let this out. I'm having this problem I can't seem to handle and wanted to share it with you and to hear your opinon. It is going to be too long so please bear with me.

3 years ago, I met (I will refer her as Kate) Kate at family party. Her aunt was dating my uncle. I was 14 years old and she was 12 at that time. I thought she was really gorgeous and we clicked really well. We chat, joke around and played games with her sister. On that same night, we kissed on the lip and we hugged before I leave. I always remembered that. I would see her about three more time before it was the last. My uncle wasnít dating her aunt anymore so we decided to keep our friendship and chat online. We would chat every single day and we would tell each other almost everything. I loved chatting with her and enjoyed our conversations. This would last for about 4 months until we started to talk less and less. It just died down which is normal I suppose but it sadden me and I was upset about that. At that time, I was going through severe depression; I had strong temper, regular fights at school and strong suicide mind focused. I was so miserable. Hereís my background, I am deaf and always had a hard time making friends. I wasnít who I am, being myself around hearing people because I couldnít understand and speak well (although it is getting slightly better over time with therapy). I always hated myself, for who I am and still to this day I do. I still suffer from severe depression and am still heavily anti-social. So at that time, it was in the summer 3 years ago. I was planning to commit suicide. So with Kate and I talking less and less to the point, I blocked her. The real reason I did this was because of my plan to commit suicide and I wanted her to forget about me. She wasnít the only person I blocked. I blocked at least 4 people including her out of six people on my buddy list. Of course I didnít commit suicide back then otherwise I wouldnít be here today. I was always so desperate for attention I so badly needed, since I didnít have much my whole life. I am a good looking guy (or at least I have been told so), very outgoing person when given a chance to be myself and is very likeable person. Itís too bad people donít see me for who I am, what I am. I regret it very much (blocking her) and beat myself over it. Three years later, this year in Feb, I was 16 and Eve was 14 years old. I remembered her and missed her. I attempt to contact her again. I unblocked her and had no luck. This went on for a month until she signed on finally. I IM her and said hello. She remembered me and we went on to chat. I would always wait for her to come online to talk to her. Two times I had skipped a class at community college so I could stay and talk to her. I remembered everything about her and began to like her a lot. She couldnít be online often as she is busy. But the biggest problem was, she didnít talk to me too much. I suspect that she might not remember our past together and just regard me as a friend. I really liked her a lot and I wasnít going to let our friendship go like it did the last time. So I went on to create other screen name, pretending to be someone else (a girl, I know I know just hear me out okay). I used it and told her that I had found her screen name from some website. I made up some stories about myself. Kate opened up and talk to me (other sn) all of the time. I got to know her really well which I was really appreciate of. She talked to me the way she did three years ago. She was totally open about herself and talked to me about anything. Soon enough she told me about Nick(my name) and I in a way pressured her to talk to Nick more often and told her what a great guy he is. Now when I talked to her on my real screen name, I was always real with everything I had said to her and always said those sweet things as girls like to call it. I always had meant them and I was being real to her the whole time. Kate was starting to like me more and more. This went on for about two weeks before the final straw. She asked her aunt about me and told her that I was into her. According to her, she or whatever it is Kate got the information from stated that I was a sex freak since I was 5 years old (which is pretty absurd) and that I was a spoil brat. Kate told me (on other screen name) that Nick was all that and now she didnít want to meet me anymore. I was really hurt by this, by the fact she judged me not by getting to know me but by some information she got from nowhere. At the same time, I had realized what I was doing. I made a huge mistake and immediately went to tell Kate the truth about using other screen name. Kate was so upset. I send her the email, telling her the truth, told her everything about me, that I was hurt. I just wanted her to realize that I liked her a lot and I was hurt by her judgment. She read it while we were online and was so torn by it. I told her that it didnít matter anymore because she didnít want me after all and wasnít going to give me any chance. But after reading my email, she told me that we were a match that she was going to give me a chance. I canít describe how upset and angry she was at me which I understand. She went on to block me immediately without even finding out the whole story. She refused to talk to me, to compromise what had happened. I was so shocked by it and I went on to try to contact her all of the time. Now I know what youíre thinking, Iím a freak for what I had done. Youíre right. I hated myself and blamed the whole thing on myself. But you got to realize that it took something like this to make her realize about us, about who I really am. She could have at least communicated about what had happened and take this opportunity to strength our friendship but she chooses not to. She went on to get a boyfriend within few days after the incident. I canít describe how I was feeling; I had depression and her refusing to talk to me only height it. She truly made me happy and I would do anything to make her happy. I was always there for her and we were going through same thing. We both didnít have any friends and were misfit in school. I was there for her the whole time. After that incident, I couldnít sleep anymore (had insomnia), couldnít eat for a long time and was suffering bad grades. I hated myself for hurting her, that it was my fault and blamed myself for what happened. I managed to talk to her few times (by creating other sn, after blocking many of it, just to talk to her) and each time she would talk to me a little bit and would blocked me again. She ignored the situation and refuses to resolve it or at least understand what truly had happened. We were talking a little bit and hoped for better for both of us but still hated me and blocked me right away. Her lack of communicate is what had killed our friendship completely. Meanwhile, her hate for me has intensified over period of time for no reason. I canít describe what I was going through. I even had cut myself few times to release the stress and the pain I was going through. Kate has never cared about me. She went on to get boyfriend and friends and forgot about me. I felt so used, I was always there for her and she wouldn't do the same. I tried to explain to her the past we has together and our feeling for each other. She didnít remember any of that but nevertheless, she still judged me and put that above our friendship and our feeling for each other. I talked to a friend about what has happened. She made me realized that Kate wasnít worth suffering over, that nobody should had been treated like that way. Kate ignored the situation and refused to see me for who I am. Maybe it wasnít entirely my fault but the damaged was done. I had failed few classes, poor academic, and still have some insomnia to this day. I had depression for my whole life, I hated who I am and wanted to commit suicide many times. Sometimes I would hear voices of me, the old Nick. I was a different person when I was younger; I was extremely violent and would fight all of the time. I would hear the voices once in a while laughing at me and telling me that I wasnít worth living, that I was just a piece of s**t. I canít tell how many times I came close to killing myself with a knife in my hand, all ready to go. Kate made all that go away, and made me happy, knowing that there was someone out there like me, someone I could talk to about anything. Amazing how far depression can push you isnít it? It had pushed me to do horrible things such as creating screen name and pretending to be someone else. But Iím a human, I made a mistake and I learned from it. I could have kept lying when she told me those ******** she heard from nowhere and convince her that it is not true, Nick is nothing like that but I choose not to because I realized what I was doing, that I was such a ******ing ******* to do what I have done and told her the truth. I (myself) was always there for her when we talked. Kate wouldnít do the same thing. She treated me like I was just a replacement friend until she got her boyfriend and friends. Iím truly happy for her, that everything is going great for her despite of what she put me through. I wonder sometimes if it was truly my fault, that I truly deserved to go through what I had went through because I tried to do everything to talk to her but her lack of communicates is what killed our friendship, not wanting to understand anything. But a friend of mine explained that Kate didnít understand the importance of communicate and was just a spoil brat herself. I didnít want to believe it because I wanted to believe that I deserved what I went through for hurting her. But was she really hurt by it that much?

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