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Relationship Health Message Board


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I think that my boyfriend of 2 years has some unresolved issues with women. I suspect that he is afraid of being controlled and also afraid of being cheated on. In his past relationships he was cheated on and controlled. He ex-girlfriend wouldn't let him hang out with his friends. She didn't like his friends and thought they were trouble, so he always had to hang out with her and her friends..... or so he says. I almost have trouble believing that he would let someone controll him like this because he is the extreme opposite in our relationship! Maybe he is like this because he was hurt. Here are some examples:

1. He forgets to call me back when he says he was going too. He will be good for a long time, but then he will get back into this habbit of not calling me. Then if I call him he almost gets defensive. Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal... but for me I take this as an issue of trust. If I cant trust him to call me back....

2. He doesn't spend very much time with me. On more than on occasion during our 2 year relationship he has broken plans with me to hang out with the guys. One time he didn't even bother to call me and tell me that he was't going to come over to my place after all. We had plans to watch a movie and he never showed up. It was 10 at nite by the time I had gotten ahold of him. He was at the bar with his buddies and by the time I talked to him, I had already watched the movie by my self... plus I was so mad that I didn't want to see him anyway.

3. He has made the comment that all his buddies know that he can never hang out with them anyway because of me. I see my boyfriend 1 or 2 times a week. That is it. He sees his buddies every day. I have never told him that he couldn't hang out with them. The only times I got mad, were the times he ditched me.

4. He races every friday and saturday night. Racing takes up most of his spare time, when he is not racing he is working on his car with his buddies... making adjustments. I go to the races with him to watch every weekend, and he completly ignores me while we are there. I'll turn around and he will be 4 trailers down talking to a group of people. Last night he went up in the stands with his buddies to watch some of the racing action and didn't tell me. I sat in his trailer by my self for and hour. I didn't know where he was. When he came back, I think he could tell that I was upset because he said "oh, where were you?" I told him that I was a little upset that he ditched me again.... and he said "well, I don't have time to baby-sit you. thats all I can say." I feel like I am a burden to him. I am not kidding you when I say that he ignores me the whole time we are there. He doesn't say a word to me. I know that he is busy working on his car and stuff... but would it kill him to talk to me for 5 minutes. I mean, i don't oppress the guy. I let him do his thing. I have never even made him watch a chick flick with me.

I never thought I could feel so alone in a relationship. Half the time he goes out with his buddies and he never invites me along. He says that I don't like to do anything. That isn't true. There are lots of things that I like to do. I like to go to the beach, and on walks, and I like to read, picnics. But since racing takes up most of his time and his buddies take up the other half... there is not much left for me. I called him this morning and am still waiting for him to return my call.

Why is he dating me if he doesn't like to spend time with me? He is old enough to know better. He is 32 years old. I am 23 and this is my first serious relationship I have been in. I love him and sometimes things are good.... but then he will be like this. I want to break up with him at times because I tell myself that there has to be a man out there who will want to spend more time with me. But it is so hard to let go of someone who has been such a big part of your life for such a long time. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating.

I guess my question is..... is there a way to find a happy medium? I know that his ex-girl friends got him to spend lots of time with. He watched chick flicks with and took them places. I don't want to control him... but how can I get him to WANT to spend more time with me? Every time I feel him pulling away, I give him even more space than I normally do.... but I am tired of playing games.

I am a very shy person and he is and extremly outgoing people person. I admire him for that and I think its great... I know that I am the first shy girl he had dated... he other girlfriends were like him. Loud party girls. From his discription they were kind of mean and would pick fights with people! Maybe this is the type of girl he needs to be dating to keep him in line. At least this is the way I have been feeling lately.

Are all men like this??? Am I being a big baby over nothing????

Sorry for the long post, any input would help greatly........





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