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Hi guys!!!!! Beware: I am very frustrated, therefore this letter is long!

I think that I am in love with this guy (ive never told him) and he is driving me absolutley crazy. I think I am quite aware of what's going on, but I think I need to hear it from somebody else. Just a little bit of backgroung knowledge:
I am 19 yo - never had a boyfriend, and dont often fall for anyone.
him - 24 - hasnt been single for a while

We met about 9 months ago, and straight away we both knew something was there, but never said anything. He also had a girlfriend at the time which he never told me about, and I never asked. In January (yessssss...very long time ago), we were pretty drunk and he told me that he was so confused but he was falling in love with me. Did I mention we work together sometimes...just to confuse the situation a bit more. So the next time I saw him, we pretended that nothing happened, and although we said little about what was going on, we could both feel that we really liked eachother.

In about March, we met up one night, because I desperately needed some answers because it was doing my head in. He held my hand and told me that he liked me so much, and he just sat there and looked into my eyes..still had a girlfriend at the time. He said he was going to break up with her and he was just confused and needed some time. We went back to being normal again (I think this is the only way that I can deal with it).

Next, in May, he and his girlfriend are on a break, another drunken night, we kissed, and we stayed at a friends place. I didn't sleep with him, but we spent the night together. I couldn't sleep (probably the guilt). In the morning he was really cold and distant. He kissed me goodbye on the cheek before he left, and said he just needed to sort some stuff out. I told him, he knew how i felt and it was up to him. it's July, and not a meaningful conversation as yet. I told him we needed to talk, because I can't do this anymore. Every opportunity that arose for us to talk, something came up, and we never did. So I msg him and say, we probably dont need to talk anyway because if you wanted something to happen it would have by now.. i just needed you to tell me that it wasn't gonna happen, so i can move on.

Then today we work together, I knew straight away when i saw him that something was up. When i went on lunch, I got his reply saying 'we have a lot to talk about', he 'feels a lot for me' and 'i am everything he could possibly want' but he's not ready to commit to anything, and he cant give me what i want right now. He also said that he knows that it was all or nothing with me.. im not sure if this is because i am so crazy about him and things would probably get serious quickly, or that he thinks that im going to lock him up and throw away the key. I also don't think he understands that i am 19 - he is 24, supposedly the mature one, and he isn't ready. I don't want to elope with the boy, I just want to share experiences with him. he also wants to continue being close friends (which we are not anyway, because we can't even bring ourselves to be honest with eachother.)
Contradicting each word with the next. i told him to come over tonight...he msgd me and said he wanted a quiet one - which is obviously just him not wanting to resolve this. Then he says, what did you think of my msgs.

So I replied that he can't say things like 'one day'... 'right now' because it is just giving me false hopes that i can't get over because i am so crazy about him. and that i need to get him out of my head because im not taking anybody else seriously, because i know i want him. I said he needs to tell that its not going to happen. i think he subconsciously knows that he's trying to keep me on tab, just in case he is ready for a real relationship.

He is the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the last at night. Every song reminds me of him. and im just so happy to be spending time with him when we are together that all the bad things seem to slip away.

this letter has been focused on all his bad points, because i don't think reliving the good stuff is going to help me. Just writing this letter and recapping on previous events has helped me put it all into perspective. I know that i am selfish and nieve, and that he has told me he just wants to be friends, and i should be able to digest this all on my own. But i think that hearing others opinions, will help me move on with my life, and stop everything from gushing back every time i look into his eyes.

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