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I am going crazy... i have lost all hope.. i think i may be having a nervous breakdown if i new what that consisted of...and i have no one left to talk to or ask about this for my friends and family are tired of it.

I married the woman of my dreams, when we first got together everything was great, then i asked her to marry me, she said yes, and we got married, then she stoped paying attention to me, i got depressed and slept alot, i had a job but im a designer and jobs were hard to find so i worked odd jobs to help pay for things but i was so depressed that i married the woman of my dreams and she didnt want me no more then 4 months into the marriage so i slept quite a bit in order to excape the pain.. we had sex maybe once a month and then after 2 years it just ended, i asked her if she would want to be with me and she would just say no, keep in mind i still tried and told her i loved her everyday, i never even looked at another woman being, well, i had the woman i always wanted i just didnt understand why this was happending. finaly she started telling me after 3 years to have an affair on her, i was shocked and hurt, i didnt want to, so i didnt, i kept trying to be with my baby, she told me and told me and told me then finaly after 2 years of her telling me this someone where i worked showed me attention and it was wonderful, she told me things i longed to hear my wife tell me. now keep in mind by this time i took a job more then 100 miles away from my friends and family because my wife told me that she would like to live in the country and i was now able to buy her a big house that she always wanted and i was offered a real good job with benifits and everything we could want.. i thought this would make her happy.. but it didnt.. anyway...after six months in our dream home.. and after i was showed affection and being i craved it so badly after 3 years of nothing... i gave her money to leave.. and she left.. it was hard.. i have never hit my wife and i wouldnt even dream of it, she then met men and was sexual with a couple.. another thing i didnt understand because i wanted her so badly... i know its not me.. im a very good looking guy and i have ALOT of things going for me and alot of women that want me.. im not bad in bed this i know and i dont smell or anything.. finding women is NOT a problem for me... and never was... just being with my wife is... for some reason.... during this six months apart we were both with a couple different people.. even though i would be with someone else i would always want her... i am so devoted to my wife somtimes i think im obsessed.. jesus i dont even know why im writting this... it all seems so messed up and so simple at the same time... i would act crazy and call her all the time and IM her online and she wouldnt block me she would answer for what i think was the pure plesure to tell me to go away.. until i found someone then she would tell me how much she missed me.. well now she is back... i moved her back in myself.. i cried as much as a could and begged for forgiveness for kicking her out and explained numerous times how i ALWAYS just wanted her and no one else... i have cried so much that i dont think a can anymore for anything.... i am obsessed with these thoughts of her with other people i cant get them out of my mind.. when i tell her this she tells me that was non of my business and i should just stop thinking about it.. well its not that easy.. i have no control and it hurts so bad.. she still wont be with me sexually and gives me kisses on the cheek in which im insulted being that i she has slept with other people.. i just dont understand why she cant sleep with me.. she says that its been a very very long time and that we have been throught alot.. i thought that in order to work this out that we would at the very least have to try.. its killing me thinking of her just two months ago sleeping with someone else and she cant sleep with me.. i want to get these images out of my head and i cant figure out how cause i dont have any other images to put in there.. she wont do anything with i said i get a kiss on the cheek.. she is more concerned with out bills and says she doesnt have the energy to work on things with me and that she doesnt know if she can be with me that way...when i ask then why is she back she says cause i wouldnt leave her alone.. i tell her the reason why is becuase i wanted to be with her.. not to mention she could have blocked me if it was that bad.. i jsut want to be with my wife...i dont get why she moved back in... i think maybe she just wants to be my friend or somthing but i dont look at her as just a friend i adore her so much that when we are sitting outside talking i need to look away cause seeing her beauty in front of me hurts so badly that i cant be close to her i need to not look at her.. i shake all the time.. my hands shake and i have a constant pain in my chest.. she tells me to just do other things... but i cant do anything.. i have lots of projects i could do but i dont have it in me to do anything.. to me i finaly have my wife back for what i thought was going to be a time to work things out but its not or somthing.. i dont understand why we just cant foget about the past and try to work it out.. i have ALWAYS been good to her and never been bad to her except at the very end when the last thing i heard from her was "dude its not going to happen" when i asked her to make love to me...ok.. i need to calm down.. honestly though.. i dont know how to make this pain stop... i just want it to stop.. i want to be able to breath again.. i want my wife but i seem to be coming to the conclusion as i have done before that she just doesnt want me.. but why does she play these games.. why is she back.. why is it ok to sleep with other people but not with me.. i gave up alot to be back in this mess...but im back.. i just cant cope .. i thought things would be different.. i thought we would try... how do i stop thinking?

very very desperate lonley confused.

uhg... i hope that made sense.. it probably didnt... im not making alot of sense lately.

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