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[QUOTE=glamourgal]I have actually only been on one real "blind date" and the guy turned out to be a total hunk----I absolutely loved his personality!!! I guess I ended up being the dull one because I never got a call-back. I recently talked to the lady that wanted us to meet and she thinks that I should call him because she said that he has been very busy with work lately (she works at the same place as him) and that has been all he has had time for. I just refuse to do it though because if he truly liked me he would have found the time to give me a quick call. I have never been the one to pursue someone before and I just think that if a guy really likes you, he will certainly find the time to call.

Sophia, I really liked your advice----I think that I will be open-minded to being set-up, but like you stated I will get a lot of info first--or maybe see if I can meet them in a group setting before I agree to go out on an actual date. I have been really busy lately and I also just got back from a vacation, so I have not been on here very much, but I am trying to catch-up on your thread! I hope your date goes well with NG!!! Just know that you deserve only the best---so I hope that he is finally willing to be that!![/QUOTE]

Hey Glamour Girl! It's good to hear from you again, and I think you have a really great head on your shoulders when it comes to dating. I couldn't agree more with the first paragraph I quoted of yours above, especially the last two sentences. You are right not to take your coworker's advice, though I understand why she wants things to work out, as we all like to be successful matchmakers. Like you, I've always had a strong aversion to being the one to do the pursuing...if a guy doesn't keep a relationship going, at least in the early stages, I'm not going to do the work for him. In the few cases where I've given men the benefit of the doubt and done my share of the pursuing, things fizzled out, and I should have just sat back and realized a lot earlier that he wasn't that interested. We women could save ourselves so much wasted time and energy on men who are lukewarm about us if we'd trust our instincts when they don't call or otherwise make a consistent effort to keep us in their lives. I really think you're 100% correct that a guy will always find a minute to call or otherwise contact you if he's interested, considering how much women and sex are on their minds! ;) Besides, if a guy likes a girl, he is going to enjoy being enthusiastic about pursuing her...that's a big part of the fun for them, and I've never had a man who really liked me not be happy to pursue me. The ones who didn't call or only called sporatically when I didn't contact them just weren't that into me--I'm glad I wasn't more assertive about pursuing them, or who knows how many not that interested men I would have dated!

I'm not saying that if a guy doesn't call, it's always about the girl, because a lot of times they are just busy or not looking to date or involved with someone else or some other reason that doesn't have anything to do with the girl. But I think it's very smart to let them come to you; it's the quickest and most reliable way to tell if he really likes you. We'd save ourselves a lot of wondering and frustration if we'd all read He's Not Just That Into You and stop making excuses in our minds that make us feel okay about doing all or most of the chasing with men we really like who don't pursue us. That book just confirmed everything I'd already suspected about female friends I have who go after guys or continue to make an effort with men who don't pursue them in return. Women could save themselves so much time and effort with men who aren't that interested and will eventually move on if they only date guys who consistently and actively pursue them. I think the next time I hear a friend justify calling a guy who didn't call her after a date because "he's working really hard," or "he's been traveling," or "he's just shy about chasing after me," etc., I'm just going to keep quiet and give her a copy of that book. I hate to say this, because I'm such an ardent feminist and would really like to think that women and men can both do the chasing, but I guess while we're equal, we're not the same, and one thing that men want to keep exclusive to them is being the pursuers with women. Sorry to babble on about this; I mainly wanted to let you know that I think you're very smart to have grasped this so clearly and to live accordingly, no excuses! (In case you can't tell, it's just sinking in for me...I've never chased after guys because of shyness, not because I knew all this, but now I see why I've intuitively always sensed that I was better off that way.) I always admired women with the nerve to pursue guys, but thinking back, I've never seen one single example of guy really liking a woman where she was the one who put most of the effort into keeping the relationship going. In every single case like that, it turned out that he was just not that into her--either she was the "other woman" he never ever ended up leaving his primary relationship for, the girl he called for sex after other dates, or someone he tolerated dating until he met someone he really liked and disappeared. If every woman who wondered whether a man was truly into her stopped calling him, I bet most of them would be very unpleasantly surprised that they never heard from the man again.

Anyway, I apologize for going on and on about that and not about the main topic of your thread. While I think it's generally a good idea to go on as many dates as possible to learn more about what you want and like in the opposite sex, it doesn't sound like you're at all enthusiastic about these set-up attempts. I can certainly understand why...dating can be frustrating enough as it is without having to report back to people in your lives who are anxiously hoping you'll live happily ever after with the men they picked for you. If I were you, I'd take that pressure off yourself by just telling would-be matchmakers that you've decided to either take a break from dating or just stop going on blind dates. People will probably take it a lot better when you say no to setups if they think you're not interested in dates/blind dates period, rather than not interested in the particular guy they're trying to pitch to you. Even if you have to tell some white lies, that should get them to lay off once they say no...I know how annoyingly persistent those wannabe matchmakers can be! If you do agree to be set up, I think you're right to take Sophia's advice about getting together in a group rather than one-on-one. I think your approach sounds really smart, and please don't worry about offending people or hurting their feelings when you turn down dates. You have every right to date who you want without any pressure or guilt trips from others...I really admire you for being so smart and refusing to settle for something you don't want. I wish you all the best when it comes to dating...keep us posted please, OK? :wave:
I don't know if this will help or not, but I read that sometimes men feel somewhat intimated by extremely attractive women. I don't know what you look like, of course, glamorgal, but from your posts and what I've read so far, I picture you as tall and striking looking.

As far as the guy not calling back, I don't know how long it's been since your first date, but I also read that sometimes men will wait a while to call a girl they really like because they don't want to "appear desperate". So, you might keep this in mind.

I do agree that while it's always best to let a man pursue you, sometimes it doesn't hurt to give a guy a quick call just to say "hello" without asking for anything and without appearing desperate. Do you have this guy's number?

If it's been a week, and he still hasn't called you, I don't see any harm in leaving a message on his phone telling him you enjoyed meeting him. You can show interest in a man without him feeling pressured if it's done correctly.

Then, if he still doesn't call, you can put your mind at ease.
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]As the Queen of Screen, I'm sure you leave a man with no doubt about whether you would accept another date or not. GG said she wasn't sure she communicated that clearly. Stacy, if you're have a bad day, what do you do to make sure the guy knows how you feel about him?

A go-between can relay his thoughts incorrectly. Maybe he won't say what he's really thinking to the go-between. Why add more confusion?


GG, if you decide to call, make it short but with a message... maybe something like "I was frustrated by the way I played golf when we went out. I don't want to leave you with a bad impression of how I play. What do you think?"

If you feel the need to be flirty, add "I think my problem was I couldn't keep my eye on the ball..."[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is true, and you all do make good points, particularly about the go-between, though I'm still not convinced this guy is remotely interested since he made no effort to contact GG on his own. I agree that there is nothing to lose by giving this guy a call, so why not? I think I was just playing devil's advocate a bit, but also I do think it's important to stay realistic and not get too excited about this guy...in my view the odds are still quite slim that he's interested in another date. However, Goody is right that there are always exceptions to every rule, and that it's worth taking risks when it comes to love...even if things don't work out, it's still valuable experience for us to face our fears and have the courage to pursue what we want.

Heartland, I think you are right that it's extremely easy for a man (or anyone, really) to tell if I like him or not...for some reason I just can't hide my feelings, and it's always written all over my face how I feel about someone. I don't like a lot of people and I have never had that instinct that most people have to care what other people think of them....I guess I just don't respect most people's intelligence and opinions enough so that what they think of me matters to me even a tiny little bit. When I was doing the online dating thing, there were some guys I met who just weren't at all my type in terms of not being educated, classy, professional, and sophisticated...they either didn't know how to tip, were religious, rode motocycles, had long hair, and/or just generally turned me off big time, and they all seemed to get the hint that I wasn't interested. But fortunately, all but one guy that I did like got the picture that I would be open to a second date and pursued me accordingly.

I know that most people aren't as obvious about conveying their impressions of others...and I certainly don't think my way is always the best way. I guess I can't really give very good advice about how to make sure people get the right impression about whether or not you're interested because I don't know how I convey this...believe me, I wish I did, because it would be a lot better sometimes if I could fake liking people, but I just can't seem to conceal my true feelings no matter how hard I try, which is both a blessing and curse. It's nice that guys I like get the picture, but I also know that most people I don't like think I'm snobby and/or bitchy...maybe they're right, but I have a right to be picky and not waste time with the vast majority of men out there who I can't respect as my intellectual equals. It would be one thing if I had trouble finding men who fit my standards to date, but so far that hasn't been a problem, so I don't see any reason to be more accepting of men who aren't particularly bright, cultured, or educated.

Ok I'm off topic here, so Heartland, the answer to your question is I'm not sure how you can change a man's mind if he leaves a date thinking you don't like him. I'm pretty sure that once a man leaves a first date with the impression that the woman isn't interested, it's going to be nearly impossible to get things back on track. One of the guys that didn't call after our first date actually appealed to me, so I tried to rationalize in my mind all these reasons why he might have avoided calling and contacted him myself. But I just don't think deep down that any guy who wanted to see a woman again would not call her...it's hard to accept this, as women, because we don't like to put this much power in the guy's hands and also, of course, no one wants to be rejected by someone they find appealing. Still, it does seem to be true that if a guy likes you, he'll ask you out again...we can make all the excuses we want for them, but in my opinion and experience, that's the bottom line. It doesn't mean that their lack of interest is personal or even has anything to do with us, but I think we women are deluding themselves if we think a man who likes us would never make contact again after the first date. Does anyone know any exceptions to this trend? That's really all I was trying to get across here by saying it's probably not worth GG's time to call her blind date guy. I think you're all great to be so supportive, but sometimes I think we can be too positive and encouraging here which results in getting someone's hopes up about a situation which really doesn't warrant such optimism.





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