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[QUOTE=glamourgal]I have actually only been on one real "blind date" and the guy turned out to be a total hunk----I absolutely loved his personality!!! I guess I ended up being the dull one because I never got a call-back. I recently talked to the lady that wanted us to meet and she thinks that I should call him because she said that he has been very busy with work lately (she works at the same place as him) and that has been all he has had time for. I just refuse to do it though because if he truly liked me he would have found the time to give me a quick call. I have never been the one to pursue someone before and I just think that if a guy really likes you, he will certainly find the time to call.

Sophia, I really liked your advice----I think that I will be open-minded to being set-up, but like you stated I will get a lot of info first--or maybe see if I can meet them in a group setting before I agree to go out on an actual date. I have been really busy lately and I also just got back from a vacation, so I have not been on here very much, but I am trying to catch-up on your thread! I hope your date goes well with NG!!! Just know that you deserve only the best---so I hope that he is finally willing to be that!![/QUOTE]

Hey Glamour Girl! It's good to hear from you again, and I think you have a really great head on your shoulders when it comes to dating. I couldn't agree more with the first paragraph I quoted of yours above, especially the last two sentences. You are right not to take your coworker's advice, though I understand why she wants things to work out, as we all like to be successful matchmakers. Like you, I've always had a strong aversion to being the one to do the pursuing...if a guy doesn't keep a relationship going, at least in the early stages, I'm not going to do the work for him. In the few cases where I've given men the benefit of the doubt and done my share of the pursuing, things fizzled out, and I should have just sat back and realized a lot earlier that he wasn't that interested. We women could save ourselves so much wasted time and energy on men who are lukewarm about us if we'd trust our instincts when they don't call or otherwise make a consistent effort to keep us in their lives. I really think you're 100% correct that a guy will always find a minute to call or otherwise contact you if he's interested, considering how much women and sex are on their minds! ;) Besides, if a guy likes a girl, he is going to enjoy being enthusiastic about pursuing her...that's a big part of the fun for them, and I've never had a man who really liked me not be happy to pursue me. The ones who didn't call or only called sporatically when I didn't contact them just weren't that into me--I'm glad I wasn't more assertive about pursuing them, or who knows how many not that interested men I would have dated!

I'm not saying that if a guy doesn't call, it's always about the girl, because a lot of times they are just busy or not looking to date or involved with someone else or some other reason that doesn't have anything to do with the girl. But I think it's very smart to let them come to you; it's the quickest and most reliable way to tell if he really likes you. We'd save ourselves a lot of wondering and frustration if we'd all read He's Not Just That Into You and stop making excuses in our minds that make us feel okay about doing all or most of the chasing with men we really like who don't pursue us. That book just confirmed everything I'd already suspected about female friends I have who go after guys or continue to make an effort with men who don't pursue them in return. Women could save themselves so much time and effort with men who aren't that interested and will eventually move on if they only date guys who consistently and actively pursue them. I think the next time I hear a friend justify calling a guy who didn't call her after a date because "he's working really hard," or "he's been traveling," or "he's just shy about chasing after me," etc., I'm just going to keep quiet and give her a copy of that book. I hate to say this, because I'm such an ardent feminist and would really like to think that women and men can both do the chasing, but I guess while we're equal, we're not the same, and one thing that men want to keep exclusive to them is being the pursuers with women. Sorry to babble on about this; I mainly wanted to let you know that I think you're very smart to have grasped this so clearly and to live accordingly, no excuses! (In case you can't tell, it's just sinking in for me...I've never chased after guys because of shyness, not because I knew all this, but now I see why I've intuitively always sensed that I was better off that way.) I always admired women with the nerve to pursue guys, but thinking back, I've never seen one single example of guy really liking a woman where she was the one who put most of the effort into keeping the relationship going. In every single case like that, it turned out that he was just not that into her--either she was the "other woman" he never ever ended up leaving his primary relationship for, the girl he called for sex after other dates, or someone he tolerated dating until he met someone he really liked and disappeared. If every woman who wondered whether a man was truly into her stopped calling him, I bet most of them would be very unpleasantly surprised that they never heard from the man again.

Anyway, I apologize for going on and on about that and not about the main topic of your thread. While I think it's generally a good idea to go on as many dates as possible to learn more about what you want and like in the opposite sex, it doesn't sound like you're at all enthusiastic about these set-up attempts. I can certainly understand why...dating can be frustrating enough as it is without having to report back to people in your lives who are anxiously hoping you'll live happily ever after with the men they picked for you. If I were you, I'd take that pressure off yourself by just telling would-be matchmakers that you've decided to either take a break from dating or just stop going on blind dates. People will probably take it a lot better when you say no to setups if they think you're not interested in dates/blind dates period, rather than not interested in the particular guy they're trying to pitch to you. Even if you have to tell some white lies, that should get them to lay off once they say no...I know how annoyingly persistent those wannabe matchmakers can be! If you do agree to be set up, I think you're right to take Sophia's advice about getting together in a group rather than one-on-one. I think your approach sounds really smart, and please don't worry about offending people or hurting their feelings when you turn down dates. You have every right to date who you want without any pressure or guilt trips from others...I really admire you for being so smart and refusing to settle for something you don't want. I wish you all the best when it comes to dating...keep us posted please, OK? :wave:
Thanks GG for your sweet reply to my post. Things with J have been going really great :), thanks and I really appreciate you wishing me well. Sorry to hear you haven't been having the best of luck lately with men, but it is definitely clear that you have still got it if you inspire such a reaction from strangers on the street! The best way to deal with jerks like that, by the way, is to try to be at least a little flattered that they thought you worthy of being an idiot over. As for the call--I really don't think you should do it. Now I could be wrong and of course that's just my opinion, but I think he would have called you if he was interested. When I was online dating, I met two guys who I liked okay but who didn't call after our first meetings. I sent them polite thank you emails soon after the first dates and never heard back :eek:. This was a bit of a blow to my ego, but fortunately as many of you know it's quite healthy, and since all the other guys I dated wanted to see me again, I tried not to take it personally that those ones weren't interested. Their loss, right? But it was one of the few times in my life I've really been single and free to date around, and I learned quite a bit...one thing is that every word of that He's Just Not That Into You book is true. If a man is into you, he will find a way to contact you...of course there are occasional exceptions like if he gets run over by a bus or something, but they are too few and far between to ever make excuses for a guy who makes no effort to contact you. I agree with the other posters that it won't do any harm for you to call him, but I'm 99.99% sure it would just be a complete waste of time that could be spent on a man smart enough to realize what a great catch you are, GG. :wave:
I don't think you need to come up with anything super-witty or clever. I think GE has a good idea about leaving a message on his voicemail saying you had a great time playing golf with him, just wanted to say hi and see how things are going with him, and to give you a call if he wants to talk. Nothing too fancy or amusing becasue you don't want to sound like you're trying too hard. Oh, and don't forget to leave a callback number ;) Just try to pretend in your mind that you're calling a platonic friend so that you'll sound more natural. Good luck! Oh, and if you have his email address, I would probably send him an email rather than calling (email is more casual, I think), but I'm not sure if you do have it.

However, please don't get your hopes up too high for this guy, because, after I read Stacy's post, it does make sense that he could have asked the mutual friend who set you guys up for your contact info again if, say, he lost it somehow. So, chances are, he's either dating someone else or not terribly interested. Oh gosh, I know how confusing that must be. I think I might try it just for my own peace of mind if I liked the guy as much as you described.
Glamour, I understand your dillema--I would most likely be freaking out just as much! LOL. I hate to be in the role of a pursuer, but like Degen said, there is a possibility that this guy thinks you were not that interested. Hmm, it IS just a phonecall, after all. Another thing is, I wonder why the set-up lady didn't say anything of that nature to the guy. I mean, it makes more logical sense that she should encourage him to give you a call (since we all know men are generally expected to be the more aggressive party). Why don't you tell her you're worried he doesn't like you and find out if he said anything to her about the date. I would also let her know that I am certainly interested in another date with him. I don't think any respectable set-up lady would be able to keep this info to herself ;)
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Glamour, I understand your dillema--I would most likely be freaking out just as much! LOL. I hate to be in the role of a pursuer, but like Degen said, there is a possibility that this guy thinks you were not that interested. Hmm, it IS just a phonecall, after all. Another thing is, I wonder why the set-up lady didn't say anything of that nature to the guy. I mean, it makes more logical sense that she should encourage him to give you a call (since we all know men are generally expected to be the more aggressive party). Why don't you tell her you're worried he doesn't like you and find out if he said anything to her about the date. I would also let her know that I am certainly interested in another date with him. I don't think any respectable set-up lady would be able to keep this info to herself ;)[/QUOTE]

Glamour, take a little risk! I would call while he's at work and leave a message on his machine, that way it doesn't put him on the spot. One phone call saying you enjoyed the date is not going to make you appear desperate. He may really think you are too "hot" and he may fear being rejected himself.

If you really want to put your mind at ease, why not try it? It's great to have pride and self-respect, but where do we draw the line, as Heartland mentioned? Too much pride is a deterrent to finding love. I double dare you to call and leave a message! :D
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]As the Queen of Screen, I'm sure you leave a man with no doubt about whether you would accept another date or not. GG said she wasn't sure she communicated that clearly. Stacy, if you're have a bad day, what do you do to make sure the guy knows how you feel about him?

A go-between can relay his thoughts incorrectly. Maybe he won't say what he's really thinking to the go-between. Why add more confusion?


GG, if you decide to call, make it short but with a message... maybe something like "I was frustrated by the way I played golf when we went out. I don't want to leave you with a bad impression of how I play. What do you think?"

If you feel the need to be flirty, add "I think my problem was I couldn't keep my eye on the ball..."[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is true, and you all do make good points, particularly about the go-between, though I'm still not convinced this guy is remotely interested since he made no effort to contact GG on his own. I agree that there is nothing to lose by giving this guy a call, so why not? I think I was just playing devil's advocate a bit, but also I do think it's important to stay realistic and not get too excited about this guy...in my view the odds are still quite slim that he's interested in another date. However, Goody is right that there are always exceptions to every rule, and that it's worth taking risks when it comes to love...even if things don't work out, it's still valuable experience for us to face our fears and have the courage to pursue what we want.

Heartland, I think you are right that it's extremely easy for a man (or anyone, really) to tell if I like him or not...for some reason I just can't hide my feelings, and it's always written all over my face how I feel about someone. I don't like a lot of people and I have never had that instinct that most people have to care what other people think of them....I guess I just don't respect most people's intelligence and opinions enough so that what they think of me matters to me even a tiny little bit. When I was doing the online dating thing, there were some guys I met who just weren't at all my type in terms of not being educated, classy, professional, and sophisticated...they either didn't know how to tip, were religious, rode motocycles, had long hair, and/or just generally turned me off big time, and they all seemed to get the hint that I wasn't interested. But fortunately, all but one guy that I did like got the picture that I would be open to a second date and pursued me accordingly.

I know that most people aren't as obvious about conveying their impressions of others...and I certainly don't think my way is always the best way. I guess I can't really give very good advice about how to make sure people get the right impression about whether or not you're interested because I don't know how I convey this...believe me, I wish I did, because it would be a lot better sometimes if I could fake liking people, but I just can't seem to conceal my true feelings no matter how hard I try, which is both a blessing and curse. It's nice that guys I like get the picture, but I also know that most people I don't like think I'm snobby and/or bitchy...maybe they're right, but I have a right to be picky and not waste time with the vast majority of men out there who I can't respect as my intellectual equals. It would be one thing if I had trouble finding men who fit my standards to date, but so far that hasn't been a problem, so I don't see any reason to be more accepting of men who aren't particularly bright, cultured, or educated.

Ok I'm off topic here, so Heartland, the answer to your question is I'm not sure how you can change a man's mind if he leaves a date thinking you don't like him. I'm pretty sure that once a man leaves a first date with the impression that the woman isn't interested, it's going to be nearly impossible to get things back on track. One of the guys that didn't call after our first date actually appealed to me, so I tried to rationalize in my mind all these reasons why he might have avoided calling and contacted him myself. But I just don't think deep down that any guy who wanted to see a woman again would not call her...it's hard to accept this, as women, because we don't like to put this much power in the guy's hands and also, of course, no one wants to be rejected by someone they find appealing. Still, it does seem to be true that if a guy likes you, he'll ask you out again...we can make all the excuses we want for them, but in my opinion and experience, that's the bottom line. It doesn't mean that their lack of interest is personal or even has anything to do with us, but I think we women are deluding themselves if we think a man who likes us would never make contact again after the first date. Does anyone know any exceptions to this trend? That's really all I was trying to get across here by saying it's probably not worth GG's time to call her blind date guy. I think you're all great to be so supportive, but sometimes I think we can be too positive and encouraging here which results in getting someone's hopes up about a situation which really doesn't warrant such optimism.
Hey Stacy,

I totally agree with you that if a guy is interested in a girl, then 9 times out of 10 he will call her, and that could very well be the case with this guy---"he just wasn't that into me" and that is why I have not heard from him.

Anyway, even knowing that, I still want to give this guy a call. While I do know that I probably won't hear back from him, I just can't let myself not call and then always wonder "what if".

So even if I call him and get bad results, well, at least my mind will finally be at ease and I will have done something that I have never done before--Plus, I will have something new to laugh about :) !
[QUOTE=Snails].....but I think we women are deluding themselves if we think a man who likes us would never make contact again after the first date. Does anyone know any exceptions to this trend? That's really all I was trying to get across here by saying it's probably not worth GG's time to call her blind date guy. I think you're all great to be so supportive, but sometimes I think we can be too positive and encouraging here which results in getting someone's hopes up about a situation which really doesn't warrant such optimism.[/QUOTE]



Stacy ~ I think I would like to give this one a shot. Let's face it, not everyone is confident in the dating scene. I think it is almost stereotypical to assume that a guy will go and ask a girl out on a second date if interested. Perhaps his confidence was a little shaken and he had an off day or even misinterpreted things to think that the girl wouldn't even consider another date with him. I have to say that I am often glad I am a female because it takes great confidence for a man to approach a woman and come up with something new that won't be taken as just another line.

I remember my first visit to West Point as a freshman in college. It was the plebe's first night out and we walked in and they were practically drooling because they hadn't seen a girl in what must have seemed like forever!! :eek: I'll never forget walking in and looking up at all these men in their dress grays smiling with eyes popping out of their heads!!! I was asked numerous times to dance and was only happy to oblige and while having a drink with some of my friends in a huddle I was tapped on the shoulder by a Cadet who was about 5'4''. :eek: As I turned around and he asked for a dance with me (you must remember I am 5'9") I smiled and couldn't help but think of what courage and confidence it had taken for him to do that. I was immediately attracted to his courage and of course gave him a dance that must have knocked his socks off. :bouncing:

Anyway...I think us girls sometimes forget that men are sterotypically placed by us females to automatically be confident and not get the same dating jitters as we do. So if GG thought that he was too good looking and perhaps didn't leave him with a great impression who's to say that he wasn't entitled to feel the same way??? That's the reason why GG should give him a call.....sometimes somebody has to make the first move. And I don't think anyone is lining GG up for disappointment. It's a win/win situation. Right now she has no prospects....after the phone call all that can change!! ;)

I hope that this at least alleviates your fears in the sense that we don't want to set GG up for disappointment, in fact, I believe that it was her idea to make the phone call in the first place.

((HUGS)) ~ Goody
Stacy, I'm a lot like you in that my feelings about someone are usually written on my face, no matter how much I would want to hide them. LOL. But what I noticed is that it almost doesn't matter because the guys who really liked me called anyway. Some even started sending me flowers if I didn't return their calls. Men are perverse creatures, I think :D Actually, the most beautiful flowers I've gotten were always from the guys whom I turned down and gave them the "friendship" line. Go figure.

I honestly can't say that I do know of any exceptions to this (i.e. guys being genuinely interested in a woman but not calling her), however, I am very curious about GG's guy. There are always some exceptions to the rule. Perhaps his cat died the next day or something? You never know! Or, he could have gotten back together with an ex-gf, despite genuinely liking GG ;) Not that I would want GG to put herself in a position of a "guiney-pig," but I wonder what this guy would say to her and if he would ask her out again. I am just so curious.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]GG, I know it's scary, but I think it's a very good sign he called when he said he would and that he's interested in seeing you again. Yes, we must take risks sometimes. It's either take a risk on someone you like or stay on the safe side and keep dating a guy you're not remotely interested in. I would go with the risk. It's a relatively minor risk, in my opinion. Even if nothing happens after the second date, at least you would know that you tried. Hopefully, though, you guys will have a great time and more dates will follow. Chin up, Glamourgirl! I also think you should have a proper date like dinner together, so you can sit down somewhere and simply talk to each other and get to know each other better. besides, you can wear a nice outfit and show him who's a glamorous, classy woman turning guy's heads when she walks by! :)[/QUOTE]

Thank you Sophia! I know that I sometimes tend to make a big deal out of minor things :rolleyes: . It's certainly not the best trait that I have. I guess I am just tired of being the only single person out of my friends and family and I finally really do seem to like someone, so I am just worried about the outcome. I am sure that I will take the "risk" of going out with him if he asks, I just hope that I can get out of this depressed mood before then. I was in a not so good mood on our last date and I don't want to mess this one up too (if we do even go out). I also would like to go out to dinner and I really want to be able to dress up for him too. Anyway, I will let you guys know when he calls again. I think that another (small) thing that has kind of made me feel nervous is that the night before last I had a dream that I married this guy and I woke up full of nerves!! I have never dreamnt that before :eek: .
[QUOTE=glamourgal]Thank you Sophia! I know that I sometimes tend to make a big deal out of minor things :rolleyes: . It's certainly not the best trait that I have. I guess I am just tired of being the only single person out of my friends and family and I finally really do seem to like someone, so I am just worried about the outcome. I am sure that I will take the "risk" of going out with him if he asks, I just hope that I can get out of this depressed mood before then. I was in a not so good mood on our last date and I don't want to mess this one up too (if we do even go out). I also would like to go out to dinner and I really want to be able to dress up for him too. Anyway, I will let you guys know when he calls again. I think that another (small) thing that has kind of made me feel nervous is that the night before last I had a dream that I married this guy and I woke up full of nerves!! I have never dreamnt that before :eek: .[/QUOTE]

GG, if you really feel that intimated, you can always pretend he is gay. :D I know it's hard not to be intimated by really attractive men because I am too. But, it's really wierd, sometimes I see really plain looking women with these absolutely gorgeous men. I wonder what they are doing! So, evidently, looks are just the first impression on a man. He has to be interested in you mentally and emotionally too if he is going to stick around.

Have a shot of vodka or something before you meet him so you won't be quite so nervous. Don't drink too much though! And, just be yourself. He's probably going to be nervous too, you know. Wear a classy looking dress, but nothing too revealing and men love it when women who have long hair wear it up. That's because they imagine what it would look like down! And don't just listen to him, talk about yourself and your interests too. Hope I'm not overwhelming you with all this advice. Just a few pointers from books I have read. ALL THE BOOKS I HAVE READ. :D

When are you planning on going out?
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]GG, if you really feel that intimated, you can always pretend he is gay. :D I know it's hard not to be intimated by really attractive men because I am too. But, it's really wierd, sometimes I see really plain looking women with these absolutely gorgeous men. I wonder what they are doing! So, evidently, looks are just the first impression on a man. He has to be interested in you mentally and emotionally too if he is going to stick around.

Have a shot of vodka or something before you meet him so you won't be quite so nervous. Don't drink too much though! And, just be yourself. He's probably going to be nervous too, you know. Wear a classy looking dress, but nothing too revealing and men love it when women who have long hair wear it up. That's because they imagine what it would look like down! And don't just listen to him, talk about yourself and your interests too. Hope I'm not overwhelming you with all this advice. Just a few pointers from books I have read. ALL THE BOOKS I HAVE READ. :D

When are you planning on going out?[/QUOTE]

I love this advice...it absolutely cracked me up too. LMH and Sophia are right as well and I think their advice is also extremely wise. Remember that he's going to be nervous and intimidated by you, just as you are by him, and that you have a TON of wonderful qualities to offer any man. If you are still feeling nervous as the date approaches, I would make a short list of some of your best attributes and recite them to yourself whenever you start to feel nervous...everyone is correct that this is just one date, and the less pressured and the more confident in yourself you can feel, the better things will go. Think of it as an opportunity to have fun with a cute guy and just see what happens...I've had problems dating in the past when I took the dates too seriously and started thinking too far ahead of myself. The best dates are when you can stay in the moment, enjoy the experience, and try as hard as you can to be self-assured and relaxed. And remember that no matter what happens, this has been a valuable and positive experience for you in that you were able to face your fears and take a risk by calling him and also manage to conquer your nerves and lack of optimism and put your best foot forward. I know you will be a charming and confident date and hopefully he won't be so blown away that he's nervous the whole time...and if things don't go well, please don't take it personally. Remember that he is more than likely extremely intimidated by such a beautiful and charming woman like yourself, which is probably why he was too nervous to call in the first place. I've found that it helps me a great deal when I'm feeling nervous to focus on making the other person feel at ease, because chances are they're feeling the same way. When all else fails, it definitely helps me a lot to have a little wine or a few hits off a joint before a date (and of course I love my shots of vodka--GE, I wish we could get together and have some drinks, it would be a blast to hang out with you ladies in person! :D). So, hopefully some of this advice is helpful...I think the best thing you can do is remember all the great things you have to offer and try to be your most upbeat, outgoing, and confident version of yourself. Also please remember that every date is a worthwhile learning experience, especially this one, so you've already succeeded in facing your fears and taking a risk, even if he turns out to be a dud or a wimp too blind to appreciate how awesome you are :).
GG, I'm sorry he wasn't more upfront and clear with you, but I agree with Greeneyes that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I think you should have asked who "Tiffany" was. It's very odd that he would use her first name, as if you're supposed to know who he's talking about, instead of specifying "my friend," "my girlfriend," "my sister," etc. I would have said "Who's that, your friend?" Asking such a question wouldn't have put you in any kind of "lower" position; you would be simply asking for clarifying info, as any other person would.

Having said that, he sounds kinda immature, I have to say. A high-school kid is more likely to talk this way. And then the evasive line about playing golf again. Still, GG, please don't take this personally or see it as any kind of reflection on you. Quite the opposite. I don't think this guy is necessarily a "jerk," but he's definitely weird. If he's dating someone else, why not just say it and why act interested in another date with you? Perhaps he's a coward and wants to keep his options open in case he'd like to go out with you some time in the future.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]He would have to be retarded to mention to a potential date about another girl he's dating. That's why I am inclined to think that "Tiffany" is not his gf. But regardless, it's not a good sign that he didn't mention anything specific about setting up the next date with you. He sounds flaky and definitely not someone who is as interested in you as he should be, especially considering what a great and brave girl you are![/QUOTE]

I agree that he is flaky and obviously not very interested in me. I just hope that I never have to speak with him again--or hear his voice for that matter. I can't stand his laugh either--it's VERY dorky sounding! Anyway, I know that is "immature" of me to say that, but I am just upset with how this guy turned out. Thanks for thinking that I am a great and brave girl. I think that God is just going to have to drop someone on my doorstep because I am tired of putting myself out there only to be treated like this. Something must have changed between last Thursday when I 1st talked to him and yesterday. Maybe he got mad because I didn't return the call that he left me on Sunday, but he said that if I didn't call him back that he would call me back. So I decided not to call him because I didn't want to bother him while he was on his trip. He also told me last night that he left his cell phone in his truck, so he didn't have it the whole trip. I was wondering--why in the hell are you telling me this--it's not like I called you or anything while you were away. He is just a really confusing person and I don't have the time for anyone like that.





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