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I have to disagree with most of the responses so far...I guess a lot of women don't think it's really possible to be platonic friends with an ex. Maybe because I've dated a ton of guys and always had almost exclusively male friends, I still keep in close contact with numerous guys I've slept with (whether in serious, long term relationships or just for fun :D). I consider them close friends, but since there is nothing sexual or romantic going on anymore, I'd consider any boyfriend who tried to prevent me from maintaining these friendships VERY insecure, clingy, jealous, and controlling. Is this how you want to come off? Are you really that uncertain of your relationship that you feel threatened by these other women? He's with you now, not them, and if you trust him and have confidence in yourself, you're only causing unnecessary problems and making yourself look insecure and jealous by trying to interfere with his friendships. If a guy I was dating did this to me, like I said, not only would I think he was a pathetic loser, but I'd dump him and move on ASAP.
Ladiva, how are things going with your BF? I hope you are feeling better and that you were able to talk things out and find a solution that makes you both happy. I agree that it's not really fair for him to be upset about you discussing this here while he's not respecting your feelings about his ex-girlfriends. But as far as having them as friends goes, I still stick by my original advice...he should definitely, however, try to understand or at least respect where you're coming from and try to reach a compromise that makes both of you feel comfortable. Have you guys talked anymore? I just hope this all blows over and that everything works out for the best. I guess that if he doesn't make any effort to understand where you're coming from and make you feel reassured, he may not just be the right guy for you after all :confused:. But I also think you should really try to understand his position and be extremely careful to avoid seeming like you're being possessive and controlling in trying to prohibit certain friendships. Hopefully you can meet in the middle here and both compromise in order to make the other person feel satisfied and understood. Hang in there and hopefully he will come around and be more sensitive to your feelings, because you definitely shouldn't be the only one compromising. Maybe asking to meet his friends that live around your area would reassure you a bit?? I just think there has to be a good solution other than him ignoring you or you demanding that he cut off all ties with his exes...I will keep my fingers crossed that you guys work everything out and are happy together again soon :).

Realguy, your opinions may have been true for you, but they just don't hold up as blanket generalizations...my own situation completely contradicts everything you said, and I'm sure if that's the case with my experiences, there are plenty of others as well that disprove your assertions. It's not about staying friends with exes to keep new lovers from getting close; it's about wanting to stay in touch with people who were very important in my life and who I still care for greatly as friends. If a guy can't respect me and trust me enough to let me choose my own friends and not demand to be the only man I talk to, then in my view, he's an insecure control freak and I'm much better off kicking him out the door. And I've never really been single--it's just not true that someone has to let their partner control whether they stay friends with their exes in order to have a relationship. I've had one relationship after another and plenty of guys lined up whenever one ends, none of whom have ever tried to control me, because I'm not at all attracted to jealous and insecure guys. I like my men to be confident and secure enough not to be threatened by any other men and to trust me enough to know I'd never cheat with an ex. BUT--I would respect their feelings if they were concerned and wanted to keep an eye on my communications with exes, and I definitely think ladiva's BF should respect her feelings as well. There's just a big difference between being sensitive to someone's concerns and letting them dictate who you can and can't be friends with...that crosses the line into unacceptably controlling and would be a deal-breaking turn off in my view.
[QUOTE=ladivapr02]Yes goody that's the one I met him online 4 months ago. :)[/QUOTE]

Lavida ~ Sometimes others can see things a little bit clearer than we can when the fog rolls in. You say that this guy is the one and special pretty much from the start. And then you are uncomfortable with his regular contact with various exs which you feel uncomfortable about enough to come here to discuss with people you trust. You also share with us how another concern you have is the way in which he resolves things. You have told him how his having contact with exs makes you feel bad. A loving partner would try to make you feel more secure and come up with a solution for that. What has your BF done to make you feel better about this??? From what you have shared here, he made you feel bad for coming here and also you were apologetic for having offended him or for having made him feel bad for how he sees his exs. :nono:

I am going to say it like I see it....your BF seems to be quite controlling and makes you feel guilty for his lack of concern for your feelings. I remember having a boyfriend who was very much like that. You shared with me that you had been left/abandoned by someone while looking at rings and other painful experiences. And now you seem to be making excuses for a man who doesn't seem to care about how you feel, makes you feel guilty for seeking advice and then makes you feel as if you need to apologize for your lack of understanding about his exs.

I am sorry, Lavida, but this picture is way too familiar to me. I had a broken engagement and then was engaged to a guy who treated me alot like you describe your current BF and I, like you, made excuses for him. It got worse and I still stayed with him. The longer I stayed the worse it got. I was fortunate to walk away and when it came time to find out why I had stayed so long I discovered that it was because he was my first that I had given myself to at the age of 25. I figured we were getting married and that I had given the best part of me to him and it was the second time I was engaged and that it just had to work out. It took a therapist to make me see why I had stayed so long in a relationship like that. And I have a feeling that you may be in the same situation. I just wanted to share this with you because I think that you needed to hear it. Mostly I want you to know that when someone loves you they make you feel good about yourself and respect you and your feelings because you mean the world to them. That's how it should be for you and you deserve nothing less.

I also want to congratulate you on your newest venture in life. Working with the sick is quite rewarding and I can feel your excitement and wanted to wish you the best with that. I apologize if I misread anything in your posts....but something pulled me to share with you my experience as a way to help you see things a little more clearly. I only wish you the best in love & happiness ~ Goody :wave:





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