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Since you are just dating and are not married or engaged I would say that neither of you are wrong. Just with the wrong person.

He needs to be with someone who doesn't mind him contacting his ex-girlfriends
and
You need to be with someone who doesn't keep in touch with his ex-girlfriends.

You can love him and still not have it be a good fit for an excellent relationship...
I'd break things off sooner than later and look for someone who better fits your needs..
:angel:
Hey,
I wish I could give you some positive insight into your situation but honestly, I don't really see any good in a guy keeping ex g/f's around for friendship. I say this because I have first hand experience with a situation like yours. It's a long story but basically I dated a guy for a few months a while back and I still keep in contact with him, as he does with all of his ex's. This guy has a ton of girl/friends. He lives out of state now and I actually just got back from visiting him where we ended up hooking up. The catch is, about 4 days before I was supposed to leave, he told me that he had just committed to a girl he had been dating mostly out of her insecurity about my being there to visit him. It's a very messed up situation, we DID end up hooking up, not something that I'm proud of, but also just goes to show that he wasn't ready to commit to this girl. Anyway, I'm thinking of cutting this guy off because I honestly think that holding onto past exes just causes more trouble than they are worth and can very rarely be platonic, unless the relationship did not start out as a sexual one in the first place. Basically what I am trying to say is girl/friends are fine, but holding onto friendships with past sexual partners can rarely be a good thing unless both parties are completely moved on. Good luck.
Ladiva, how are things going with your BF? I hope you are feeling better and that you were able to talk things out and find a solution that makes you both happy. I agree that it's not really fair for him to be upset about you discussing this here while he's not respecting your feelings about his ex-girlfriends. But as far as having them as friends goes, I still stick by my original advice...he should definitely, however, try to understand or at least respect where you're coming from and try to reach a compromise that makes both of you feel comfortable. Have you guys talked anymore? I just hope this all blows over and that everything works out for the best. I guess that if he doesn't make any effort to understand where you're coming from and make you feel reassured, he may not just be the right guy for you after all :confused:. But I also think you should really try to understand his position and be extremely careful to avoid seeming like you're being possessive and controlling in trying to prohibit certain friendships. Hopefully you can meet in the middle here and both compromise in order to make the other person feel satisfied and understood. Hang in there and hopefully he will come around and be more sensitive to your feelings, because you definitely shouldn't be the only one compromising. Maybe asking to meet his friends that live around your area would reassure you a bit?? I just think there has to be a good solution other than him ignoring you or you demanding that he cut off all ties with his exes...I will keep my fingers crossed that you guys work everything out and are happy together again soon :).

Realguy, your opinions may have been true for you, but they just don't hold up as blanket generalizations...my own situation completely contradicts everything you said, and I'm sure if that's the case with my experiences, there are plenty of others as well that disprove your assertions. It's not about staying friends with exes to keep new lovers from getting close; it's about wanting to stay in touch with people who were very important in my life and who I still care for greatly as friends. If a guy can't respect me and trust me enough to let me choose my own friends and not demand to be the only man I talk to, then in my view, he's an insecure control freak and I'm much better off kicking him out the door. And I've never really been single--it's just not true that someone has to let their partner control whether they stay friends with their exes in order to have a relationship. I've had one relationship after another and plenty of guys lined up whenever one ends, none of whom have ever tried to control me, because I'm not at all attracted to jealous and insecure guys. I like my men to be confident and secure enough not to be threatened by any other men and to trust me enough to know I'd never cheat with an ex. BUT--I would respect their feelings if they were concerned and wanted to keep an eye on my communications with exes, and I definitely think ladiva's BF should respect her feelings as well. There's just a big difference between being sensitive to someone's concerns and letting them dictate who you can and can't be friends with...that crosses the line into unacceptably controlling and would be a deal-breaking turn off in my view.
Hi, Lavida :wave: I must say for the most part I would have to agree with Realguy on this one in the sense that most people whether male or female would have a problem with their SO having "regular" contact with an ex. I am sure that if it were you talking to any of your exs that your BF would not be too thrilled with the situation either. Just the fact that he had a problem with you coming here shows that to be true....even if it is just talking with your cyberfriends. :D

The important thing is that no one should have a problem with a random encounter with an ex by telephone, however, regular contact is a different story. I've had an ex fiance contact me randomly which has been no threat to my husband because he know that it was me that broke the engagement and the reasons why. In fact we have a little joke because once my husband's best friend called and I answered as if it were my ex fiance saying..."Oh hi, R. How are you it's been quite some time since I heard from you!!" Well, my husband's best friend took that opportunity to tease the life out of me and hasn't stopped since. Everytime he calls he identifies himself as R. and gets a kick out of my reaction to that ;)

Anyway....as far as the way in which you resolve things, as much as we would like to think that they should be resolved before we go to sleep that doesn't always happen. I am one that finds it difficult to sleep when I am having a problem with my husband but he is one that can fall asleep in the middle of a sentence if he is tired. :eek: This drives me crazy and it is so ironic because in his vows he promised "to never allow the sun to go down on any wrath between us" (I think he must have plagerized that from someone else's vows ;) ) and I can't say how many times he got away with that one. But, I have to say that for the most part we try to work things out as quickly as possible. It is important to resolve things, compromise and choose our battles in a relationship. The way we communicate is important too. What exactly do you see as the problem you are having with your BF in this area??? Does he avoid conflict, get angry and have you fearful of expressing your feelings or does he just pretend there is not a problem?? If there is something that just comes up over & over again it is important that you do resolve it otherwise it will continue to be a problem between you. You must also realize that there are things that you may just have to accept but that if they are something that you absolutely cannot then you must realize that you cannot change them and may have to walk away if the issue is one that you cannot compromise on.

I also sense that you may have some cultural differences in which you question whether or not this is the way of an American guy. Respect and love are universal no matter what background one comes from. And in a relationship you should feel like more of a person with the other rather than lesser of a person. He should bring out the best in you and make you feel good about yourself. That is what is most important.

I also sense that this is a fairly new relationship for you and that you are now approaching a stage in which you are taking a risk in seeing it as something special but are having some doubts. You need to ask yourself if perhaps your doubts come from the past hurts that you had with other guys or if they come from this BF who doesn't seem to meet all of your needs. Only you can decide this and what it is that is causing you such worry at this particular time.

I hope we can help you figure things out a little bit better. ~ Goody :wave:
You know I think its better to settle for a good man than being alone. I see for example my coworker who is hindu she says that over there "love comes after the marriage" She says her marriage was arranged she did not was in love as to say but you know I see her having a happy life. Definetly better than to be lonely. She seems to have deep caring feelings for her husband. I think if a man treats one good love can grow over time. I don't know how it is for married people but I often been told that love transform over time after marriage. I never heard of anyone divorcing because the man was good. But ever hear of people divorcing where they did felt sparks when they got married.

I think of my college ex the best bf i ever had who i never felt the sparks because of physical attraction reasons (that's why I left him). The way I see it now I would prefer to be married to him than being alone. He treated me like a queen, never made me cry over nothing. As far of the sex aspect goes with say someone not so physically attractive well it depends Sophia I mean the man cann't be disgusting for you. Some level of physical attraction must definetly be met.

Sophia sometimes I'm confused at this being "in love" thing. I know the exbf before my current bf thought like the being in love emotion wasn't everything that is needed for a marriage. He had to see like I was able to run a house, take care of his children etc..





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