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Relationship Health Message Board


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Re: Affair?
Aug 2, 2005
[QUOTE=jjalum]I really have tried to talk to m husband about the lack of intimacy and how I NEED more from him.....something, anything; a compliment, a second look, flirtatuous affection,......sex. And I feel as though I have thrown myself at him for a long time, with no real response. I have always had to initiate sex, always been the first to say "I love you" or to give a compliment.

But the last few weeks, I have stopped doing any of that. I am tired of feeling somewhat rejected. And he can tell something is wrong, yet he never asks. He just tries to be more affectionate to smooth things over. And at this point, I need more than just affection...I need some form of intimacy and companionship. I don't know.....I'm just sad, lonely.[/QUOTE]

I'd like to help you with this a little bit since I once was in your two shoes. First you must realize that the only one you are capable of changing is YOURSELF. If you think that you are going to change your husband by demandig it of him, or constantly asking him too, it won't work. :nono: Been there and done that. :D The key is making some changes within yourself and by doing so you will hopefully generate some changes within your husband.

With that all said & done, I must admit, that I see an awful lot of myself and past behaviors in your post. Like you, I was the giver of love, hugs, intimacy and compliments always waiting for something in return. I knew that my husband was capable of doing so because he did so when we were dating and in the first part of our marriage but slowly and oh so subtly he slacked off. I would complain and be like the wind.....always the same complaint and looked at it as if I was deserving of these things and eventually like you I got tired of doing what came so naturally for me and stopped. And because it was soooo against my nature to do so I became even more miserable. And thus I began to complain and blow like the wind even more and my husband, rather than warming up to the idea of becoming more romantic moved even further away. This went on for some time turning into a viscious cycle until I eventually came here and was offered some wonderful support & insight which I would like nothing more to do than pass on to you. ;)

You want love and affection and deserve it...everybody does. You know that you cannot change your husband but you CAN change yourself. First you must stop all complaining or nagging or anything that would be considered windlike in a man's eyes.....you do not want to blow him away. :eek: Instead, take on the warmth of the sun and radiate your sunshine. Cook your husband's favorite meal, greet him with a big hug and kiss and welcome him with excitement at the end of the day. Share with him the good things that happenend in your day even if it was a miserable one....just find the one good thing that happened and share that. Learn to read him and do not ask for anything you need when the time looks bad....this I have learned to refer to as "shields up" position. You do not want to act in any negative way when he is in the "shields up" position. :nono: Rather you want to learn to get him to a "shields down" position and know when he is most receptive to your needs. This will not all happen overnight....it is going to take some time and effort on your part. When your husband even in the smallest sense addresses one of your needs you need to positively reinforce that with a big smile or some type of verbal recognition. If he grabs your hand you can say, "geez, that's just what I needed and it brings back wonderful memories of the time we made out at the beach!!!" You are not going to get everything at once and you may not even get it all but you will be able to get most of your needs met once you are able to make these changes within yourself.

Be careful not to revert back to your old ways when you do not get what you need right away. Consistency on your part is key to success. When I was going through the pain of feeling like I was the only one loving in the relationship, my husband told me that he had stopped doing things that use to be natural because he felt as if he could never measure up to what I needed due to my constant complaint. Once I stopped doing that, he was able to return to his natural way of being able to show me the ways that he loved me. Now don't get me wrong, he still reverts back as I do on occasion, however, we both have learned to prevent it from getting back to the vicious cycle that sucked us up like a tornado and almost ruined our marriage.

Also....I have learned not to rely soley on my husband for the emotional support that I need. It's common in most marriages to think of our spouses as our best friends who need to act as such. That is not only unhealthy but also unrealistic to place such demand on somebody on a 24/7 basis. That's why we need our friends and if you need unbiased friends I have learned that this is the perfect place to go. :bouncing: I have found that when I come here my marriage benefits indirectly from it. I am a believer in "killing 2 birds with one stone" and what better way to do so by coming to help others and at the same time be helping your marriage as well. I had alot to free time on my hands due to a chronic back problem. I somewhat felt I lost a sensre of purpose and passion in my life until I came here and found it again. Helping others is what drives me and there are plenty of opportunities to do that here. My first passion is my family and children of course but it is a wonderful thing when balanced with what I love to do here.

And so....I would like to leave you with an analogy that helped me out with my marriage. A marriage is like a garden with the most beautiful flowers. Tend to it and it will flourish.....neglect it and it wil become overgrown with weeds. Perhaps some weeds have entered your garden as they did mine...but it is never too late with enough love and committment to yank them out and restore it to it's natural beauty. You only need love and committment from those that tend it. Do not underestimate your husband's love & committment. Even when you think it isn't there it's just waiting to be unburied. That's what I found out with a little help from my friends. ;)

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody :angel:
Re: Affair?
Aug 8, 2005
About the porn, I can tell you that it is unhealthy, because I feel it demeans women (in the case of a man viewing) by reducing the act of lovemaking to nothing more than sex, meaningless sex, in fact. I am a man, by the way, and I struggle with a pretty unhealthy porn obsession myself. I know that it had a role in the destruction of my marriage, as well as sex continues to be at the root of my self-esteem issues and as such a major hurdle in the search for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

I skipped to the end of this thread, so I apoligize for any assumptions I make due to an abscence of facts, but I can say with conviction that an emotional affair on one side and a porn obsession on the other is cause for concern, and commands counseling. My marriage ended largely because of an emotional affair that turned sexual, a relationship that in turn didn't work out and continues to be a problem for me in my recovery.

Porn is as much a feeding of the addiction as any. Doesn't matter what it is, the addict will always find a way to use. I don't know if past addiction is present in this situation, but I know that it could be possible based on what I'm hearing.

I urge you to break off your affair with this man, if you haven't already, confront your husband about the porn and seek counseling. If I had done the same thing, although I'm not saying I still wouldn't have divorced my wife, at least I would have done the best I could to save the marriage. In many ways, I was already gone before the bomb even dropped, so to speak. Now there is far too much guilt and shame involved, and it continues to hamstring my ability to have a healthy relationship as a result.

I wish you luck





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